Saturday Night Live had its highest ratings in 14 years last Saturday thanks to the buzz surrounding Sarah Palin's appearance. I thought Palin did pretty well -- not exceptionally funny but she didn't try too hard to be funny. She was a good sport. The opening scene with Alec Baldwin was great, but Amy Poehler's rap on Weekend Update was easily the highlight of the show.
It is just me or is Amy Poehler SO MUCH funnier than Tina Fey? Check out the video below.
http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/update-palin-rap/773781/
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
What You Missed If You Just Woke Up From A 10-Year Coma
GUEST BLOG BY HUNTER REID:
Q: Have you ever wondered how difficult it would be to explain our modern existence to someone that suddenly awoke from a decade-long coma? For instance, do you remember in "Demolition Man" how confused John Spartan (Sly Stallone) was in the New World after the police thawed him out from his Cryogenic status? In the 30 years that passed Sly by Taco Bell had become fine-dining; smoking, cursing, and contact-sports were against the law; and wiping your ass had been replaced by the "3 Seashells" technique. Given such a scenario, how would you sum-up our evolution since 1998?
Here is my attempt to connect-the-dots of modernity into some kind of logical path, and possibly guess whether Jason Mraz will become the next John Mayer or Shawn Colvin:
1. Mass Communication:
Humans of the 21 century aren't telepathic, but we are as close as one could ever imagine. Every single person above the age of eight has a wireless phone that gets reception anywhere in the world. These no-wire devices come as small as a pack of matches and can be used hands-free. A cell phone usually includes instant messaging, video games, and the internet. For most people their phones double as a stereo or even triple as a laptop computer. Apple, Inc. made a miraculous comeback and revolutionized music and computers by releasing a cell phone (about the size of a billfold) that combines every medium of communication and entertainment, AND it uses the convenience of touch-screens. So, no more silly buttons.
But, talking isn't the only way we communicate. Almost every American household gets 200+ digitalized TV channels as their "basic" package. Everyone, I mean ev-very-one, checks their email at least twice a day. And they have satellite radios in their cars with another 200+ stations. Simultaneously, we can communicate through several mediums instantaneously.
2. To illustrate, consider our…Political atmosphere:
Because of our capabilities with regard to mass communication, particularly our love for sensational journalism, cable television and wireless internet, we have discovered more things than anyone should ever know about our candidates. "Who they married?" "What kind of house do they own, and who are their neighbors?" "What they named their pets?" are all important issues these days. Policies and issues cannot be the sole focus on an election. We need to know who has the better fudge-brownie recipe: Michelle Obama or Cindy McCain? Listen, if you want to learn about a candidate's policies, just go their website. But, don't bother anyone with that nonsense because you will wind up on a cable news station yelling back and forth with a big talking head.
3. Names:
To me, the names of our Presidents have always been a microcosm that represents how Americans view themselves. In our formidable years we had very British named Presidents like George, John, and Thomas. During the Civil War-era we came out with uniquely frontier names like Abe, Ulyssus and Rutherford. Then, during the World Wars we started to emphasize the importance of full names and initials with FDR, Dwight D., JFK, and LBJ. Today, the two hottest politicians on this planet are Barack Obama and Willow Palin's momma (Sarah). We seem tired of these stuffy sounding names. We have to be individualistic. Soon enough we will elect a Trey or a Dax as our Commander in Chief, and we are all gonna wonder what the hell happened to naming your kid Joseph or Matthew or Andrew.
4. Television shows:
TV has gotten a whole lot sexier these days. For starters, the show with the largest female audience in entertainment history was called, "Sex and the City," which focused on the lives of four women that slutted their way around their favorite city, New York. "The Practice," dissolved, renamed itself "Boston Legal," and centered all the drama on the characters sex lives. "E.R." flat-lined, they re-casted, all the doctors started having sex, and they call it "Grey's Anatomy." (footnote: McDreamy is a poor man's Noah Wylie).
… and deadlier. "NYPD Blue" is now "NYPD Special Victims Unit," and focuses on homicide forensics. Forensics is so popular that we have a Crime Scene Investigation show for New York, Miami, and Thursday; we have a forensic show about solving cold cases called "Cold Case;" one about solving murders using numerology called "Numbers;" and one about solving cold case murders called "Bones." There is a "Specialist," "Mentalist," and a "Closer," that are all wildly popular. But, if that isn't deadly enough for you, there is a hit show named "Dexter," about the complexities of a forensic blood pathologist, who moonlights as a vigilante serial killer, and has to investigate his own crimes by daylight.
5. In case you were wondering about the Tanner family tree:
Danny's girls have all grown up, and boy did they need a mom in their life. Deej is fine (little pudgy), but Jodi Sweeten became a meth-head, and the twins became anorexic whores. Danny turned out to be quite the perverted father, Uncle Jessie lost the hottest woman on earth to Koosh (from Jerry Mcguire), and Uncle Joey's jokes got old. Aunt Becky maintained a TV personality on The CW (which use to be The WB, which use to be WGN), and is now a star on the 90210 remake where she has married the dude from Silk Stalkings, adopted the kid from The Wire, and moved into Beverly Hills with the grandma from Arrested Development (the latter two being the best-written drama and comedy shows, respectively).
6. Close:
After examining our lives since 1998, it seems that the dots cannot be connected to anything meaningful. Oh well, at least we finally put Wesley Snipes behind bars.
FOLLOW-UP FROM CHOP:
I have to throw in my two cents on this interesting hypothetical raised by Hunter. First of all, D.J. Tanner is not pudgy anymore. Who knew she would be the hottest of the Tanner sisters now? If a friend of mine just awoke from a 10-year coma and I had to explain everything he'd missed since 1998, here are the 10 most important things I'd tell him:
1) Songs aren't free on Napster anymore. You have to pay for them on iTunes, and then you put them on your iPod. What's an iPod, you ask? Shit, you missed a lot.
2) Boston is dominating the professional sports scene. The Red Sox broke the curse, the Patriots drafted Tom Brady (yeah, that guy that didn't start for Michigan before your coma), and the Celtics traded very little talent to get Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen on the same team with Paul Pierce.
3) The World Trade Center is gone. I hope your birthday isn't September 11 because it will be ruined forever.
4) 2Pac died two years before you went into a coma, but he has released four albums since then.
5) Gas is $4.00/gallon, but cars keep getting bigger. Oh, and thousands of people now drive Hummers as their main source of transportation. Yes, even when they are not driving in the desert or on water.
6) Reality TV has gone to a whole new level. You knew the Real World and Survivor, but now there are more dancing and singing competitions, nanny shows, and ridiculous dating shows than you ever could have imagined. Now, when you turn on VH1, instead of seeing Richard Marx videos, you seen the singer for Poison and Flava Flav making out with 19-year old strippers.
7) Coca-Cola developed a drink called Coke Zero that tastes better than Coke and has no calories. It is the nectar of the gods.
8) Screech has a sex tape.
9) Poker is on ESPN at least two hours a day. The National Spelling Bee is aired live on ABC.
10) McDonald's now serves bottled water, salads, and healthy wraps. On a positive note, they developed a breakfast sandwich that is sausage or bacon with cheese and egg in between two maple syrup flavored pancakes. I know what you're thinking -- you love their biscuits and think the biscuits sound better than these new (to you) McGriddles. Trust me, order the McGriddles.
Q: Have you ever wondered how difficult it would be to explain our modern existence to someone that suddenly awoke from a decade-long coma? For instance, do you remember in "Demolition Man" how confused John Spartan (Sly Stallone) was in the New World after the police thawed him out from his Cryogenic status? In the 30 years that passed Sly by Taco Bell had become fine-dining; smoking, cursing, and contact-sports were against the law; and wiping your ass had been replaced by the "3 Seashells" technique. Given such a scenario, how would you sum-up our evolution since 1998?
Here is my attempt to connect-the-dots of modernity into some kind of logical path, and possibly guess whether Jason Mraz will become the next John Mayer or Shawn Colvin:
1. Mass Communication:
Humans of the 21 century aren't telepathic, but we are as close as one could ever imagine. Every single person above the age of eight has a wireless phone that gets reception anywhere in the world. These no-wire devices come as small as a pack of matches and can be used hands-free. A cell phone usually includes instant messaging, video games, and the internet. For most people their phones double as a stereo or even triple as a laptop computer. Apple, Inc. made a miraculous comeback and revolutionized music and computers by releasing a cell phone (about the size of a billfold) that combines every medium of communication and entertainment, AND it uses the convenience of touch-screens. So, no more silly buttons.
But, talking isn't the only way we communicate. Almost every American household gets 200+ digitalized TV channels as their "basic" package. Everyone, I mean ev-very-one, checks their email at least twice a day. And they have satellite radios in their cars with another 200+ stations. Simultaneously, we can communicate through several mediums instantaneously.
2. To illustrate, consider our…Political atmosphere:
Because of our capabilities with regard to mass communication, particularly our love for sensational journalism, cable television and wireless internet, we have discovered more things than anyone should ever know about our candidates. "Who they married?" "What kind of house do they own, and who are their neighbors?" "What they named their pets?" are all important issues these days. Policies and issues cannot be the sole focus on an election. We need to know who has the better fudge-brownie recipe: Michelle Obama or Cindy McCain? Listen, if you want to learn about a candidate's policies, just go their website. But, don't bother anyone with that nonsense because you will wind up on a cable news station yelling back and forth with a big talking head.
3. Names:
To me, the names of our Presidents have always been a microcosm that represents how Americans view themselves. In our formidable years we had very British named Presidents like George, John, and Thomas. During the Civil War-era we came out with uniquely frontier names like Abe, Ulyssus and Rutherford. Then, during the World Wars we started to emphasize the importance of full names and initials with FDR, Dwight D., JFK, and LBJ. Today, the two hottest politicians on this planet are Barack Obama and Willow Palin's momma (Sarah). We seem tired of these stuffy sounding names. We have to be individualistic. Soon enough we will elect a Trey or a Dax as our Commander in Chief, and we are all gonna wonder what the hell happened to naming your kid Joseph or Matthew or Andrew.
4. Television shows:
TV has gotten a whole lot sexier these days. For starters, the show with the largest female audience in entertainment history was called, "Sex and the City," which focused on the lives of four women that slutted their way around their favorite city, New York. "The Practice," dissolved, renamed itself "Boston Legal," and centered all the drama on the characters sex lives. "E.R." flat-lined, they re-casted, all the doctors started having sex, and they call it "Grey's Anatomy." (footnote: McDreamy is a poor man's Noah Wylie).
… and deadlier. "NYPD Blue" is now "NYPD Special Victims Unit," and focuses on homicide forensics. Forensics is so popular that we have a Crime Scene Investigation show for New York, Miami, and Thursday; we have a forensic show about solving cold cases called "Cold Case;" one about solving murders using numerology called "Numbers;" and one about solving cold case murders called "Bones." There is a "Specialist," "Mentalist," and a "Closer," that are all wildly popular. But, if that isn't deadly enough for you, there is a hit show named "Dexter," about the complexities of a forensic blood pathologist, who moonlights as a vigilante serial killer, and has to investigate his own crimes by daylight.
5. In case you were wondering about the Tanner family tree:
Danny's girls have all grown up, and boy did they need a mom in their life. Deej is fine (little pudgy), but Jodi Sweeten became a meth-head, and the twins became anorexic whores. Danny turned out to be quite the perverted father, Uncle Jessie lost the hottest woman on earth to Koosh (from Jerry Mcguire), and Uncle Joey's jokes got old. Aunt Becky maintained a TV personality on The CW (which use to be The WB, which use to be WGN), and is now a star on the 90210 remake where she has married the dude from Silk Stalkings, adopted the kid from The Wire, and moved into Beverly Hills with the grandma from Arrested Development (the latter two being the best-written drama and comedy shows, respectively).
6. Close:
After examining our lives since 1998, it seems that the dots cannot be connected to anything meaningful. Oh well, at least we finally put Wesley Snipes behind bars.
FOLLOW-UP FROM CHOP:
I have to throw in my two cents on this interesting hypothetical raised by Hunter. First of all, D.J. Tanner is not pudgy anymore. Who knew she would be the hottest of the Tanner sisters now? If a friend of mine just awoke from a 10-year coma and I had to explain everything he'd missed since 1998, here are the 10 most important things I'd tell him:
1) Songs aren't free on Napster anymore. You have to pay for them on iTunes, and then you put them on your iPod. What's an iPod, you ask? Shit, you missed a lot.
2) Boston is dominating the professional sports scene. The Red Sox broke the curse, the Patriots drafted Tom Brady (yeah, that guy that didn't start for Michigan before your coma), and the Celtics traded very little talent to get Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen on the same team with Paul Pierce.
3) The World Trade Center is gone. I hope your birthday isn't September 11 because it will be ruined forever.
4) 2Pac died two years before you went into a coma, but he has released four albums since then.
5) Gas is $4.00/gallon, but cars keep getting bigger. Oh, and thousands of people now drive Hummers as their main source of transportation. Yes, even when they are not driving in the desert or on water.
6) Reality TV has gone to a whole new level. You knew the Real World and Survivor, but now there are more dancing and singing competitions, nanny shows, and ridiculous dating shows than you ever could have imagined. Now, when you turn on VH1, instead of seeing Richard Marx videos, you seen the singer for Poison and Flava Flav making out with 19-year old strippers.
7) Coca-Cola developed a drink called Coke Zero that tastes better than Coke and has no calories. It is the nectar of the gods.
8) Screech has a sex tape.
9) Poker is on ESPN at least two hours a day. The National Spelling Bee is aired live on ABC.
10) McDonald's now serves bottled water, salads, and healthy wraps. On a positive note, they developed a breakfast sandwich that is sausage or bacon with cheese and egg in between two maple syrup flavored pancakes. I know what you're thinking -- you love their biscuits and think the biscuits sound better than these new (to you) McGriddles. Trust me, order the McGriddles.