Revisiting a 2001 Post from The Onion

I am working on some good blogs that I will post next week when I have more time. For now, enjoy this classic post from The Onion in 2001.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33426

Drew Carey Was the Right Choice -- No Pun Intended

How do you replace a legend like Bob Barker? I assumed The Price is Right would be canceled the day Bob Barker retired. But then what would senior citizens and kids on summer vacation watch at 11 AM? SportsCenter for the third time? The View? Let's hope not.

So, once the decision was made to continue the program, the difficult selection process began. Do you hire someone with game show experience? An actor? Someone similar to Bob Barker or someone completely different? I heard rumors about George Hamilton (actor with the same tan as Bob), John O'Hurley (J. Peterman on Seinfeld, also has hosting experience from the Family Feud), and Rosie O'Donnell. Those options did not do anything for me (especially Rosie). Drew Carey was an intriguing possibility because he was a moderately well-known actor/comedian. Who knew he was even interested in the job?

Yet even when Drew Carey was selected, I doubted that he or anyone could live up to the standard set by Bob Barker. I still believe that is true, but I have been impressed with Carey so far. I have only seen about 10 episodes since Drew took over in October (having a job sucks), but you can tell he is having fun with it. He is energetic, funny, and most importantly, nothing like Bob Barker. He is doing it his own way, rather than trying to emulate Barker.

Future senior citizens and future elementary school-aged couch potatoes will never know Bob Barker -- but they can still enjoy The Price is Right (and multiple AARP and life insurance commercials) every weekday at 11 AM.

Good riddance, Billy Packer

I have never been a fan of Jim Nantz, but I will admit he has an announcer's voice. Nantz's play-by-play performance in March Madness is generally satisfactory. The guy was born to announce the Masters. I think most people would agree that Billy Packer is not a good basketball analyst. Color commentators are paid to give insights and maybe even opinions, but no one cares about Packer's opinion anymore (not sure if anyone ever did). The game has passed him by. He has ruffled too many feathers and burned too many bridges. His basketball knowledge is vast, but his announcing skills leave much to be desired. How has he been retained to cover 34 consecutive Final Fours? As Barry Horn of the Dallas Morning News recently wrote: "As the years passed ... he grew overbearing, arrogant, condescending, dismissive and petulant. There is only so much anyone can take from a know-it-all uncle who humorlessly preaches he is the smartest man in the room. Most viewers have long had their fill of Packer."

CBS finally made the right call and announced that the network and Packer reached an "agreement" that he will not announce any more college basketball games for the network. CBS announced that Clark Kellogg will be Packer's replacement -- not a bad choice but why no love for Bill Raftery or Gus Johnson?

I will not miss Packer calling Allen Iverson a "tough little monkey" or arguing with coaches and NCAA Tournament selection chairs about seeding and the amount of mid-majors in the Big Dance. I saw a recent interview with Packer, in which he contended he had never seen YouTube. Ironically, I found the below videos on YouTube that illustrate why I do not like this man -- or at least do not like him as an announcer.








(After Packer announced that the game was "over" with 27 minutes to go, UNC cut the lead to 4 -- although they did lose).

Slash's Real Name is Saul Hudson

Think about the last time someone asked you what type of music you listen to. I bet you didn’t have a very specific answer. In fact, I bet you either said “everything,” “everything except country,” or “everything except rap.” Generally, the person asking you about your musical inclinations does not know you very well. Thus, you would feel like a jackass going into a five-minute response breaking down the differences between emo and alternative rock or trying to explain that Blind Melon is the most underrated band of the 90s. It’s just easier to say everything.
I enjoy music more than most people, but I am selective about what I like. Music snob is not the right word to describe me, but your favorite band does suck. I am especially picky with new music – I probably like less than 10% of new music that has come out in the last decade. I have above-average musical knowledge, especially with respect to the music I listen to. I know that Stealer’s Wheel – not Bob Dylan – sings “Stuck in the Middle with You.” I know that Pearl Jam named their first album Ten because that was the number of their favorite basketball player, Mookie Blaylock (the band’s original name was “Mookie Blaylock” until they were forced to change it over trademark issues). For whatever reason, I know that Saul Hudson is Slash’s (former Guns N’ Roses guitarist) real name. I usually tell inquirers that I prefer classic rock because I would look like a giant douche if I spouted out all of the above-mentioned information. Truthfully, classic rock is one of many types of music I like. I like jam bands, but not as much as I did in college. I like modern rock, but not as much as I did during the grunge years of the early to mid 90s. I like reggae much more now than I did before I discovered Peter Tosh. I like rap, but 90% of the rap I listen to is from before 2000. I choose not to celebrate Michael Bolton’s entire catalog. Would you assume I did if I said I listened to everything?

This dilemma illustrates why I enjoy the challenge of music trivia but hate being asked what kinds of music I like. I cannot rationalize a satisfactory answer to that question. In an effort to better answer the inevitable question, I have broken down my evolving musical tastes over the years. I will probably still tell the next person that asks that I listen to mainly classic rock, but at least I will know the more specific answer. The following is my musical preferences of the last 26 years:

1981-1983: Lullabies.

1984-1986: Sesame Street.

1987-1991: Exclusively oldies. I remember someone in my 4^th grade class asked me what my favorite Metallica song was and I said “Nine Inch Nails.”

1992-1995: Modern rock / alternative – mostly Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Stone Temple Pilots, and Soundgarden. I’m not ashamed to admit that the Spin Doctors’ “Pocket Full of Kryptonite” was my first CD. There was a 6-month span when I only listened to Nirvana. During these years, I also discovered Guns N’ Roses and realized what all the buzz was about when “Appetite for Destruction” buried hair band rock and paved the way for grunge (while I was listening to doo-wop groups). I would be lying if I said I never listened to Salt-n-Pepa and similar artists frequently showcased on Z104’s Top 9 at 9 during this phase, but alternative rock was my main interest (along with wearing surf and skate shirts even though I was never a skater or surfer -- POSER!).

1995-1999: Still listened to alternative, but started branching out to rap, classic rock, and softer rock like Dave Matthews Band and Blues Traveler. My mix tapes were random during this time – they could go from Blink 182 to Wu-Tang to K-Ci and JoJo to Kid Rock.

2000-2004: The college years brought out old and new jam bands – Grateful Dead, Widespread Panic, Phish, String Cheese Incident, etc. I gave up most of the alternative rock. I was really into O.A.R. for a semester until I realized you could be publicly ridiculed for admitting you liked them. I soon realized that O.A.R. was in fact mega-lame. Napster helped me discover a lot of new bands during the college years and saved me hundreds of dollars. One lame co-ed had the audacity to call me a “studio hippie” because most of the Widespread (she probably called them “Panic”) songs on my Napster were album versions rather than live tunes from concerts (she probably called them “shows”). Needless to say, that comment did not go over well with me.

2004-present: I pretty much listen to everything. Just kidding. If I broke down my musical preferences it would be as follows: 20% classic rock (Zeppelin, Stones, The Band, The Faces, Van Morrison, Grateful Dead, Allman Brothers, Bob Segar, Clapton, etc.), 10% bands that sound like classic rock bands (Black Crowes, Blind Melon, Bruce Hornsby), 10% 90s rap (2Pac, Dr. Dre, Nas, Wu-Tang, etc.), 10% reggae (Peter Tosh, Bob Marley, Toots and the Maytals, etc.), 10% modern rock (Pearl Jam, My Morning Jacket, Kings of Leon, The White Stripes, etc.), 10% new alternative/alt country (Radiohead, Death Cab for Cutie, Bishop Allen, Wilco, Ryan Adams), 10% 80s music (Steve Winwood, Huey Lewis, Journey, dozens of others), 10% motown (Temptations, Al Green, Smokey Robinson, etc.), and 10% new funk rock (Robert Randolph, Mofro, Citizen Cope). I would throw Widespread into one or more of these categories, but I can no longer list jam bands as a separate category.

In closing, I’m glad that only about a half dozen people read my blog because that stream of consciousness answer is quite possibly lamer than being THAT GUY who says he listens to everything.

NBA Draft

I may be in the minority, but I like the NBA's age limit. Setting the age limit at age 19 forces almost all high schoolers to attend college for at least one year. It gives the players one more year to develop their skills and it gives scouts a chance to evaluate players in the college forum. I don't buy into the myth that there are casualties of the age limit. Of course, I would hate to see a guy get hurt in his freshman season. However, if a guy has a bad freshman year and his draft stock goes down, why should I feel bad for him? It means two things: 1) he may not be as good as we thought he was during his senior year of high school (and thus he has not caused an NBA team to throw away millions of dollars on him) and 2) he has three seasons to improve on the college level. There is no rule that top 10 high school prospects HAVE to turn pro after one season. This season, the recruiting player rankings were very accurate. The top 9 high school prospects last year were as follows (according to Scout.com):

1) O.J. Mayo - USC
2) Michael Beasley - Kansas State
3) Kevin Love - UCLA
4) Eric Gordon - Indiana
5) Derrick Rose - Memphis
6) Kyle Singler - Duke
7) Bill Walker - Kansas State
8) Donte Green - Syracuse
9) Jerryd Bayless - Arizona

After one year of college ball, we learned that Rose and Beasley project as the top 2 prospects and Love, Mayo, Gordon, and Bayless are all top 7 prospects. Green and Walker are mid-to-late first rounders. Only Singler is returning to school. Thus, no one on this list was harmed by having to attend college. I wish several of them had decided to return to school, but either way the rule did not adversely affect them. Walker could argue that he would have been a top 10 pick directly out of high school, but he tore an ACL last season and looked lackluster at times this season. He will likely still be a 1st round pick so he can't really complaint too much. Green should have returned to school.

As for tonight's draft, I think the Heat would be crazy to take anyone other than Beasley (assuming the Bulls take Rose). I like Bayless more than Mayo, but I think both could be scoring points guards in the mold of Chauncey Billups and Gilbert Arenas. I think Kevin Love and Eric Gordon will be solid NBA players. I think Bill Walker will be a bust.

I am hoping my Bobcats can land Love, Joe Alexander (West Virginia), Russell Westbrook (UCLA), or Brook Lopez (Stanford) with the 9th pick. I believe Lopez will be a solid NBA center -- not an All-Star but a consistent 15 point/8 rebound guy. If the Bobcats get him and re-sign Okafor, they can move Okafor to the 4 spot. I'd like to see them get a point guard with the 20th pick that they obtained from the Nuggets.

I am biased, but Sean Singletary from Virginia is one of my favorite college basketball players of all time. He is undersized for an NBA guard (5'11''), but he has enough talent to play in the league. He can score, handle, pass, defend, and his motor never stops. He makes everyone around him better. He was forced to shoot more than he wanted to in college because of the lack of talent around him. There is no doubt that his shooting percentage will rise when he is surrounded with more skilled teammates. I expect to see him drafted somewhere between 45 and 60 --- preferably to a team where he would immediately come in as the backup point guard.

My top 5 sleepers in the 2nd round (overlooked guys that will be in the league for a long time): 1) D.J. White (Indiana), 2) J.R. Giddens (New Mexico, transfer from Kansas), 3) Singletary, 4) Mike Taylor (Iowa State, played last year in NBA D-League), and 5) Joe Crawford (Kentucky).

Observations from a Pearl Jam Concert

1) They can still rock.

2) I last saw Pearl Jam live in 1999. I cannot think of many other bands in this generation that you can go a decade between concerts and the second one is just as good as the first (maybe Red Hot Chili Peppers, U2, etc.).

3) I was never a fan of holding up lighters during slow songs at rock concerts. Today, cell phones have replaced lighters. Lame.

4) Eddie Vedder is 43, but he still acts like he's 25. He was drinking wine out of the bottle on stage. At one point, he tossed the bottle to some students in the front row. Three or four of them took a sip before security confiscated the bottle. Vedder then asked the security guard for the bottle and proceeded to take a 5-10 second chug. Vedder said the band hung out in Nashville the night before and challenged Kings of Leon (the opening band who is from Nashville) to a contest in which whoever stays up the latest and has the biggest hangover wins. Vedder proudly announced that he won.

5) The only downside of the concert was Vedder's anti-Bush and anti-war rants. Some of the crowd cheered Eddie's politics, but he was booed heavily at times. He called Southern conservatives "ignorant and proud of it." That did not sit well with the Columbia, South Carolina crowd. He made up for the boos by asking the crowd if George W. was USC's mascot (the cocks). Even the Southern conservatives in the crowd agreed that Bush is a jackass.

6) In my opinion, 3 of the best 4 songs played last night came off the "Ten" album (Alive, Porch, Even Flow). That took me back to '91. 4th grade was awesome.

7) I got ripped on by co-workers who still see Pearl Jam as a grunge band. Joking or not, most of them acted like they didn't know Pearl Jam was still together. I think the band got mixed in with grunge bands like Nirvana, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, and others just because they are all from Seattle. I didn't see one person with a flannel shirt or Doc Martens on last night. Pearl Jam's music doesn't sound "90s" to me, like Stone Temple Pilots and other bands formerly compared to PJ would now.

8) Jimmy Buffett is the only other concert I have been to with such a wide range of ages in the crowd. There were people that probably weren't born when Pearl Jam formed in 1990 and some that were well in their 60s now. Most of the people in the quasi-mosh pit up front were college age.

9) In the summer, outdoor concert venues are way better than indoor venues. Last night, we were inside, way up in the nosebleed section, and sober. But it was still awesome. Ipso facto, go see Pearl Jam live before they turn into the Rolling Stones.

Real World Hollywood

What a weird season of "The Real World" so far. No cast member is particularly likable. One guy got kicked out for never coming to work at the improv club because he was pursuing male modeling job prospects. Another guy went to rehab for a month then came back and decided to leave. Will, a promising African-American musician, exclusively wears Michigan State t-shirts -- but get this -- he has like 4 Michigan State shirts and none of them are green (Michigan State's team color). The two white girls just complain about every member of the house all day. The black girl is a stripper back in Philly and may be in jail right now for a domestic violence charge. Every single person I know in my life -- including the weird people I know -- would be the most normal person in that house. I hope none of these people ever does a Real World/Road Rules challenge. I will not watch if they do --- sike, of course I'll watch.

Ramblings

I am stealing the “Ramblings” idea from Sports Guy on ESPN.com, but the random thoughts are my own.

• I suspect the writers of “How I Met Your Mother” are regretting the whole format of the show. It probably seemed like an interesting idea when they pitched it to CBS – every episode would begin with omniscient narrator Bob Saget telling his children (from 20 years in the future) a new story that would eventually lead to how he met their mother. The show is very good, but no one really cares who Ted marries and it is somewhat creepy that future Ted is telling future Ted’s kids about every girl he dates and every drunken night he endures. Personally, Barney (formerly Doogie Howser, MD) is what makes the show worth watching. The writers are already centering more episodes around Barney’s antics. We are three seasons into the series, and we still have not met the mother of Ted’s children. Wake me up when this show evolves into more than just Barney being awesome.

• 2008 has been a good year for music so far. I cannot remember a six-month span during the post-Napster era in which I cared so much about new albums coming out. It would be an understatement to say that I have not been very impressed with more than a handful of albums during this decade. I started using Napster in 1999 and have paid for three or four CDs since then. I have bought dozens of songs on iTunes, but never an entire album. I may not even buy the entire album for these bands, but check out new albums from My Morning Jacket, Drive-By Truckers, Death Cab for Cutie, The Black Keys, The Black Crowes, Coldplay (if you have some anti-depressants around the house), and Radiohead.

• I joined Blockbuster online last year, and I have been on a documentary kick lately. Here is my list of the top 10 documentaries:

10. Spellbound: This documentary follows 6 or 7 pre-teens who are preparing for the national spelling bee in Washington, D.C. The kids are major nerds, but the suspense will get to you.

9. Murderball: All about quad rugby -- basically "kill the man with the ball"...in a wheelchair. Very good flick.

8. The Thin Blue Line: This is about a man who was convicted of a murder he did not commit. A year after the documentary came out, the inmate’s conviction was overturned and he was released.

7. Wordplay: A documentary about crossword puzzles. Put on your glasses and pocket protectors for this one! No seriously, it’s worth watching.

6. Shorty: This is about a man with Down’s Syndrome who is Hampden-Sydney football’s number one fan. I am biased but this is a great documentary, even if you know nothing about Hampden-Sydney.

5. Air Guitar Nation: Did you know there is an international air guitar competition in Finland every year? This is a highly entertaining 90 minutes.

4. Hoop Dreams: I own this on VHS. Interesting look at the world of college basketball recruiting from two high school ballers’ point of view.

3. King of Kong : A Fistful of Quarters: I highly recommend this documentary about arcade video games, namely Donkey Kong. I know it sounds dorky, but this movie is great.

2. Devil’s Playground: This is a very interesting glimpse at the Amish tradition of rumspringa, in which 16-18 year olds dress in normal clothes, drive cars, and drink heavily for months or years at a time until deciding whether or not to join the Church. I did not expect to see Amish teens with meth addictions.

1. Supersize Me: This was a well done documentary and I get the point he is trying to make, but sometimes people just want a bucket of fries. Most people are not stupid enough to eat at McDonald’s every day. I can no longer supersize because of you, asshole.

• E! has overtaken MTV and VH1 for celebreality supremacy. I am hooked on “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” “Living Lohan,” “Denise Richards: It’s Complicated,” and “Girls Next Door.”

• Speaking of celebreality, remember when “The Osbournes” was the number 1 rated reality show? The other day it took me hours to remember the youngest daughter’s name. Quick, see if you can think of it. There’s Ozzy, Sharon, Jack, and…still thinking? It’s Kelly. I guess her music career didn’t work out.

• It’s beach season and that means one thing for me – load up on sunscreen. I don’t get tan. I go to the beach to get less of a farmer’s tan.

• Jalen Rose is my favorite ESPN basketball analyst. The former member of Michigan’s Fab 5 freshman class is intelligent, insightful, and funny. He even wears a bow tie. Unlike most former players-turned-analysts, Jalen does his homework and doesn’t just read the teleprompter.

• I think it’s ironic that my brother (financial advisor who is a good cook) watches “Boston Legal” in the same time slot that I (attorney with no culinary skills) watch “Top Chef.”

• Office league co-ed softball is more fun when you don’t take it too seriously. Especially when every other team has players that don’t even work for their team’s company. It also doesn’t help when the commissioner of the league makes up stupid rules like pitch to your own team and use different size softballs for girls and guys. But I’m not bitter that my squad is 0-2.