75 Things that are Certain in Life
75. If you ever owned a Nintendo, you will never forget the codes for Contra or Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out.
74. An Easter basket without Cadbury Eggs is like a Christmas stocking full of coal.
73. Puffy had something (everything) to do with 2Pac’s murder.
72. First 5 minutes of every O.C. episode: cereal and bagels in the Cohen’s kitchen, discussion of how a family crisis was averted, a witty line by Seth. Maestro, cue the music.
71. It is impossible to look cool while exiting the back seat of a 2-door car.
70. I want to create a crime scene investigation show to investigate why CBS has 12 crime scene investigation shows.
69. I would not have been able to control my excitement if there had been a Salute Your Shorts: The College Years.
68. No one will ever convince me that Creed is not a Christian rock band.
67. If wearing tights is a requirement of all superheroes, then I am content as a mortal being.
66. Any man who thinks that Friends is funnier than Seinfeld should keep that opinion to himself. Any man who thinks Will & Grace is funnier than Seinfeld should be publicly caned.
65. No matter who wins the Masters, Jim Nantz will call it a “win for the ages.”
64. 1988: Honda CRX & Oakley Razors = cool. 2008: Honda CRX & Oakley Razors = divorced man with a mullet and black jean shorts. But still cool.
63. Anyone who says he or she has never sung along out loud to a Kelly Clarkson song while driving is either lying or doesn’t have a radio.
62. I hate to say it, but Will Ferrell has peaked and is quickly plummeting into Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler territory.
61. If you root for Duke or UNC basketball but cheer for a different school in college football, I have no respect for you and your bragging privileges are void.
60. TNT knows drama, but I have no use for the channel unless it is airing the NBA Playoffs or a 24-hour marathon of A Christmas Story.
59. I will support my son’s creative imagination until he puts Dungeons & Dragons on his Christmukkah wishlist. Then I will choose a sport and make him practice that sport 15 hours a day.
58. You know you would do Blanche Devereaux from Golden Girls if no one would find out.
57. The only thing that will keep Travis Henry from impregnating more women is a court-ordered vasectomy.
56. Our brave soldiers didn’t fight for your freedom so you could own “You Got Served” on DVD.
55. If a car has more than two anti-Bush stickers on its bumper, it’s probably either a ‘93 Ford Escort or a ‘94 Geo Prism.
54. You can learn a lot about people from their IM away messages and buddy profiles. Unfortunately, those people are in high school and you are in your mid-twenties.
53. God forbid there is ever a sitcom featuring Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Sommers as a married couple living in a big house with their kids from previous marriages. Wait a minute, this did happen. Worst. Show. Ever.
52. Women say I go to Hooters for the girls. Yeah, I don’t like chicken wings, Philly cheese steaks, burgers, fried shrimp, or seasoned curlies. Oh, and I especially don’t like cold draft beer and being surrounded by 25 big screen TVs showing nothing but sports.
51. No high school clique will ever participate in as many extra curricular activities as the Saved By the Bell crew from Bayside.
50. If you have ever performed a karaoke rendition of “Hungry Eyes,” you do not deserve to sit at my table.
49. No self-respecting person would ever ask the following questions to a co-worker: 1) Is it Friday yet?, 2) Hot enough for you out there?, 3) Are you working hard or hardly working?, 4) Are we having fun yet? NO EXCEPTIONS.
48.
47. No, I didn't watch American Idol last night.
46. The people at Frito-Lay keep wowing me with their new and exciting flavors of Doritos.
45. Under no circumstances shall a man purchase, consume, or physically touch a bottle of Mike's Hard Lemonade.
43. Reality TV went too far when it introduced competing nanny shows.
42. If you're drinking tea sweetened with Splenda, Sweet N Low, or Equal, you aren't drinking sweet tea; you're drinking lies.
41. Few things in life are worse than realizing Supercuts gave you the “Lloyd Christmas” haircut.
40. If you watch the Full House episode where D.J. oversleeps for the SATs the night before you have an important exam, you will not enjoy a pleasant night’s sleep.
38. Women over the age of 40 who wear sleeveless blouses are either attractive enough to know they can pull it off or fat enough not to care.
37. Regardless of what context the word “charisma” is used in, I will think of Brad’s horse on Hey Dude whenever I hear it.
36. Jean shorts (jorts) should only be worn under the following circumstances: your name is “Stone Cold” Steve Austin or you work at a rural convenient store that sells Sun Drop and Cheerwine.
35. It is universally known that if you simultaneously cuss, smoke a cigarette, and wear sunglasses inside, you are cool.
34. Chris Rock’s stand-up is funny, but he will never be in a funny or even watchable movie.
33. If you have ever waited in line at midnight for a new video game system, Harry Potter book, or Star Wars Movie, then chances are you probably don’t get enough exercise.
32. I cannot imagine a scenario in which I would turn down a toasted bagel.
31. If you don’t have a Foxtail or a Nerf product in your garage, you are a Communist.
30. Skip Bayless is the belly button lint of ESPN.
29. No one reads your blog. (BLOGGER'S NOTE: this one is ironic but true)
28. There have been plenty of times when I felt ripped off. But when I found out that Jerry Levine was not cast as Styles in “Teen Wolf Too” I felt like I got the wind knocked out of me. Stuart Fratkin? Are you freakin' kidding me?
27. If you didn’t swallow and/or throw up your first dip, you are a better man than I had previously assumed.
26. To qualify as a huge reggae fan, you must own more than just Bob Marley’s Legend album.
25. TGIF was on life support for several years beforehand, but the pilot of Sabrina the Teenage Witch constituted assisted suicide on our beloved Friday night lineup.
24. Steve Winwood's 1986 album “Back in the High Life” is the ideal background music for any 80s romantic comedy. A couple on the beach, the guy cracks a corny joke about what they've just experienced, the girl rolls her eyes and smiles, and they hug and walk into the sunset. "Finer Things" or “Higher Love” plays as the credits roll.
23. You really can’t blame Ellen DeGeneres for wanting to bone Anne Heche or Portia de Rossi.
22. I'm hoping the next installment of the Real World includes a jock who gets wasted a lot, a sensitive guy, an angry African-American male, a shy girl, a sorostitute, a feminist and a gay dude. I am quite certain that I won't be disappointed.
21. Fruit Stripe gum is by far the best tasting gum for 90 seconds. There must be a way to harness the goodness for a longer period.
20. Punk’d will never get played out…until the second season.
19. Any time a sitcom adds a new character that comes to live with the family after the show has been on the air for 5 or more years, you can count on the show's demise within 2 months. (See The Brady Bunch, Diff'rent Strokes, Cosby Show, and Growing Pains).
18. The following are the only times when a Canadian tuxedo (acid wash denim jacket/jeans, white T-shirt, hi-tops) is appropriate: a Marty McFly look-a-like contest, a Styx/Reo Speedwagon concert, and casual Fridays at the office.
16. No matter how full I am after a huge holiday meal, I will eat at least one piece of pie followed by a small plate of leftovers before bedtime. Stuffing sandwich, anyone?
15. I will not rest until every state passes legislation making it a misdemeanor to wear a Polo knit shirt under a Polo Oxford. I don’t care where you prepped.
14. The wifebeater is the best name ever for an article of clothing. How did this term become socially acceptable?
13. John Stamos’s hair is the most underrated actor of our generation.
12. Depression is the only possible human emotion that can result from listening to Coldplay.
11. Girls over 25 who still dress punk aren’t really punks. They are just mad at their dads.
10. If you schedule your wedding during college football season, you cannot get pissed when none of your buddies show up. If I am going to miss my team's big game, I need you to guarantee me 6 hours of open bar, an endless supply of crabcakes, and a plethora of single gals ready to party.
9. You might be a redneck if you say “cold beer” as if it’s one word.
8. You assumed Joey would choose
7. People who make up hypothetical rule changes to sports need to stop talking about sports and go back to playing magic cards.
6. Country Music Television (CMT) will play your music video if you wear a cowboy hat, even if your song is more of the “Pop” music persuasion.
5. No son of mine will ever wear Keds or Osh Kosh B’Gosh. Bowl cuts will also be prohibited.
4. I do not possess the proper equipment necessary to scientifically determine who sucks harder – Color Me Badd or All-4-One.
3. It’s acceptable for a true NCAA basketball fan to shed a tear during “One Shining Moment.”
2. Your entire wardrobe should not come from Foot Locker. Enough already with the mesh hats and retro jerseys.
1. No matter how perfect you think your sideburns are, Brandon Walsh’s sideburns wipe their ass with your sideburns.
