Biz Markie Literal Video

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Mailbag 3.0

I am pleased to welcome some new blood to this edition of the mailbag. This is the first time I've had more questions not make the mailbag than ones that exactly did -- keep sending them in. As always, these are real emails from actual readers.

Q: Long time reader, first time caller... I want to get your take on endurance sports like the Tour de France. First question is, does anyone even know the rules to this thing? Or does Lance just make them up as he goes? Next, how can this possibly be called a race when no positions move on the last day? The thing goes on for a month but there are only a few days out of the whole time period where they are actually racing as opposed to everyone just going the same speed and literally getting the same time for each day. Finally, let's say you were guaranteed to win -- would you even WANT to go through the grueling process and shall we say, "numbness" that comes with the territory?

• Dave S., Atlanta, GA

Chop Culture: The Tour de France is one of the most confusing sporting events in the world. Hockey, lacrosse, and soccer have some complex rules, but they are still easy to follow and all have the same premise: score the most goals. Obviously, cyclists in the Tour de France must have incredible stamina, endurance, and lung capacity. I suppose that makes them superior athletes, but I don't understand the scoring system. Why are these guys coasting with champagne coolies in hand at times? Why is 30 seconds an insurmountable lead? Would you ever see Michael Phelps pouring himself a glass of Cristal BEFORE the race is over? I don't recall seeing the Kenyan guy that pulled away in the Boston marathon sipping a mimosa during the last mile. I know the Tour de France is 23 days long, but it's a race! Also, what makes France so special? Surely there are other cycling races throughout the year, but only this one gets any attention. I have not been on a bike in several years so I forgot about the numbness associated with an uncomfortable bike seat. I wouldn't be able to take that for 23 days. Some people care about the Tour de France, but -- to paraphrase Happy Gilmore -- green jersey, gold jersey, who gives a shit?

Q: You have a choice between spending your next summer at either Camp Anawanna ("Salute You Shorts") or the Bar None Dude Ranch ("Hey Dude"), which would you pick and why? Just to help with your decision, at the ranch you would be bunking with Danny Lightfoot of the Hopi Indian Tribe and while at the camp you would be living with Ronnie Pinsky of Pinsky Family Salami.

• Travis C., Washington, DC

CC: I've spent the better part of a week thinking about this question, but once you break down several factors it is actually a no-brainer. I am assuming if I go to Camp Anawanna, I am a camper and if I go to the Bar None Dude Ranch, I will be working there (hopefully senior staff). I took the following 6 categories into consideration:

1) LOCATION - Salute Your Shorts takes place at a typical summer camp in an unknown state. Hey Dude takes place at a dude ranch near Tucson, Arizona. I don't like deserts. THE EDGE: Salute Your Shorts (even though we don't know exactly where it takes place).

2) BOSS / HEAD COUNSELOR - Mr. Benjamin Ernest and Kevin "Ug" Lee are both gullible losers, but there is no question that Ernst would be a better boss that Ug would be a counselor. Ug is a stickler -- not good for a camper trying to get away with something. Ernst is dimwitted -- in a summer job (as opposed to full-time job after college), a clueless boss is a good thing. Too bad Nickelodeon didn't show anyone sneaking some alcohol into the bunks. You know Ted and Danny were sipping some firewater behind the horse trough. I fully intend to have a beer with David Brisbin (Mr. Ernst) before I die. MAJOR EDGE: Hey Dude.


3) FOOD - Cafeteria food sucks at both venues so it really comes down to food that people sneak into the bunks. More specifically, Danny's Hopi flatbread vs. Ronnie Pinksy's family salami. MAJOR EDGE: Salute Your Shorts.


4) THEME SONG - Maybe this shouldn't matter, but damnit it does matter. Both songs are catchy, but I would only be able to participate in one of these tunes. EDGE: Salute Your Shorts.

5) ACTIVITIES - I've never been on a horse or lassoed cattle. I'll participate in a myriad of sports and water activities at Camp Anawanna. An awful waffle or two on some unsuspecting newbie will only add to my enjoyment of camp life. MAJOR EDGE: Salute Your Shorts.

6) CO-WORKERS / FELLOW CAMPERS - My co-workers at the Bar None Dude Ranch are Ted (cool), Brad (stuck up), Danny (kind of dorky), Melody (cool/hot), Jake (slacker/plays the tubs), Buddy Ernst (tool), and Kyle (country bumpkin). At Camp Anawanna, I would hang out with Donkey Lips (lovable loser), Budnick (trouble maker), Sponge (nerd), Pinsky (cool/salami makes him cooler), Michael (cool), Telly (black female tennis player whose real name is Venus, coincidence?), Dina (stuck up), and ZZ (hippie). I wouldn't mind hanging out with Ted, Jake, and Melody, and we know Buddy Ernst would provide unintentional comedy, but the campers are just more fun. SLIGHT EDGE: Salute Your Shorts.

In summary, I'll always love Hey Dude (especially Mr. Ernst), but I'd much rather spend my summer at Camp Anawanna.


Q: What two people would you most like to see duke it out MMA style and why?

• Michelle K., Columbia, SC

CC: I would like to see Mike Tyson vs. CT (from "The Real World" infamy) in a cage match with no rules. It would be an understatement to say these two men both have a short fuse. Neither has a conscience. The promo for the match would read as follows: "Two men. Two loose cannons. Two bad tempers. Zero emotional stability. Only on pay-per-view." CT is clearly a tough guy with an impressive resume of street and bar fights, but Iron Mike would literally eat CT's children. I'd pay to see it.

Check out these classic Tyson quotes (especially the top 6):






Q: If you had to take a first date to a national chain restaurant, which one would you choose?

• Hunter R., Greenville, SC

CC: Since we're only considering national chains, I basically need to choose between Applebee's, Ruby Tuesday, Bennigan's, TGI Friday's, Shoney's, Bob Evans, Chili's, IHOP, Outback, Olive Garden, O'Charley's, Golden Corral, Cracker Barrel, and Red Lobster. I can't take my date to a buffet. In fact, I can narrow that list down to Chili's, Olive Garden, Outback, and Ruby Tuesday. I like the salad bar at Rube Tubes, but a guy can't order a salad on a first date -- makes you look like a pansy. So Ruby Tuesday is out. Chili's probably has the best food of the bunch, but I don't want ribs or wings on a first date either -- too messy. Chili's is out. I used to love Olive Garden, but then I started watching Top Chef and Food Network and my palate become more refined. Despite the never-ending pasta bowls, Olive Garden is not authentic Italian food. It's out. By process of elimination, the first date must be at Outback -- split a bloomin' onion, two reasonably priced and reasonably tasty entrees, and a mediocre dessert. I probably wouldn't get a second date.

Q: Other than actual games, has ESPN become completely unwatchable?

• Dave F., Richmond, VA

CC: Not quite unwatchable, but it's gets worse every year. It reminds me of when MTV stopped showing videos -- at first it's cool that new shows like The State, Buzzkill, and Singled Out are on all the time. Then the shows gradually get lamer, and pretty soon you're watching Date My Mom, Tila Tequila, and True Life: I'm a Transgender Meth Addict. You start to miss the videos. ESPN has too many talking heads now -- I like PTI, but most of the other studio guys are terrible. I seriously hope some of Skip Bayless' opinions are purely for show, but for some reason I think he is genuinely a jack ass. Some of ESPN's around-the-clock coverage is downright unbearable -- oh really, Ed Werder, Tony Romo and T.O. were seen talking to each other at practice today? That's not breaking news. Even SportsCenter is far from what it once was -- it used to be all highlights and anchors messing up players' names. Now it's a few highlights mixed in with a myriad of opinions and analysis, mostly from former players who are not that insightful (exception: Jalen Rose). Just show me the highlights -- if I really need more analysis and discussion, then I'll tune into sports talk radio. While I'm eating breakfast for 10 minutes at 8 am, I just want to see highlights of last night's games. Also, I had my poker phase and I still like Texas hold 'em, but enough already with airing the World Series of Poker three nights a week on ESPN. At least put that on the ocho with bass fishing.

Q: If you you had to give up your current full-time job as a blogger for Chop Culture and, instead, had to work as a cab driver in the city of your choice which city would you choose and why? What kind of cab would you drive?

• Tony R., Baltimore, MD

CC: I wish the blog was lucrative enough to be a full-time job. But anyway, I would definitely be a cab driver in New Orleans. First, it is arguably the most fun city I have ever visited. Great food, music, sports, culture, and Hurricanes (the drink, not the natural disaster). Second, the traffic is not as bad as L.A. or Atlanta. Third, the streets are not as confusing as the grid system in NYC. Finally, life is laid back in NOLA -- you'd see some weird things, especially on Bourbon Street, but not everyone is in such a hurry like in NYC and other big cities. I would definitely drive a taxi van. On a related note, I think Cash Cab: After Dark should do a special week of shows in the Big Easy during Mardi Gras. I'll drive.

Q: You are the assistant superintendent of Kawaihae County Schools. You have been asked to interview two candidates for the principal position at the local high school, Grundle Magnet School. You interview Richard Belding and George Feeny. Who do you hire and why?

• Lindsey D., Nashville, TN

CC: I know everyone between the ages of 21 and 35 idolizes Mr. Belding. I am no exception. Everyone wished their principal was like Mr. Belding, partially because he tried to relate with the kids and partially because he was clueless and students could get away with anything. With all that being said, this is a difficult decision. Keep in mind, I am the assistant superintendent. I am not a student anymore. Each man's resume is important. Mr. Feeny brings over 30 years of experience as a teacher, principal, and college professor to the table. He teaches life lessons. If he likes you enough, he will be your next-door neighbor, middle school teacher, high school principal, and then follow you and your friends to college and become a professor. He will refuse to call on anyone else during class. Belding's signature line is "hey, hey, hey, whaaaat is going on here?" Feeny's staple is "Mr. Hunter. Mr. Matthews. I'll see you in detention." Ok, I made up Feeny's signature line, but he is a stickler for the rules. He is a no-nonsense mentor. If Belding gives you detention, you know it will be easy to sneak out. My conscience is telling me that Feeny is more qualified, but...no, I'm hiring Dick "f'ing" Belding!

Q: MTV has just informed you that you have been selected to replace Brody Jenner on the next season of Bromance. What tasks or challenges would you have your potential bros perform to see if you would be bromantically compatible?

• Karen R., West Columbia, SC

CC: Wow, what an honor! First, I would have to decide if I really need another friend or if I just want to humiliate some poor bastards on national TV. Upon significant reflection, I don't need another friend. The premise of my show would be part Amazing Race / part Japanese Game Show / part fraternity-style hazing. Season 1 only lasted six episodes (I heard) so I need to come up with six challenges for the desperate bros-to-be.

1) Scavenger hunt involving a lawn jockey, a mail order bride from Singapore, a 2-liter of Sundrop, and a mint condition Buffalo Nickel.

2) A friendly game of paintball. I'll be the only one with a paintball gun. We'll call it a bro hunt -- last one to get hit wins.

3) Similar to how Brody pretended to start a line of "slim-fit" jeans with glitter (I heard) to see if his bros would support his business, I'll pretend to start a line of Zubaz henley shirts and make my contestants wear them around town and try to sell them to clothing stores.

4) Four words: Kelly Clarkson karaoke jam.

5) We'll visit my hometown of Williamsburg, VA. The fellas will wear colonial garb (knickers, blouse, tri-corner hat, shoes with buckles, musket, etc.) all weekend. There will be a butter-churning contest.


6) Obstacle course that will combine the best aspects of Japanese game shows, Double Dare, and American Gladiators -- there will be tricycles, chicken suits, orange flags, ziplines, jousting, green slime, climbing walls, and super sloppiness.


Q: Much in the same way that I once dominated you on the hardcourts, I enjoy dominating my fantasy football league. Provide a list of "Chop's top-rookie fantasy picks for 2009." Also, as a tittilating aside, provide a menu of the food items that would be present at what we'll call "Chop's Ultimate Tailgate."

• Gary E., Washington, DC

CC: Larry, first of all, we both know how things turned out on the hardcourts, but I will give you my 5 top rookies and my top 5 tailgating favorites.

Rookies:


1) Knowshon Moreno - RB (Denver) - Broncos always have good running game.


2) LeSean McCoy - RB (Philadelphia) - Westbrook will probably get hurt at some point.


3) Michael Crabtree - WR (San Francisco) - Don't know who will throw to him.


4) Percy Harvin - WR (Minnesota) - Will probably carry the ball as much as he catches it.


5) Brandon Pettigrew - TE (Detroit) - Don't laugh.


Tailgating food:


1) Chick Fil-A nugget tray.


2) Dips with Scoops (ASIDE: I'm a fan of Hunter Reid's unlimited layer dip, formerly known as 7-layer dip).


3) Brats.


4) Fried chicken (ASIDE: Wings are too messy at tailgates).


5) BBQ sandwiches (sliders, if you will).


What was I just saying about having a refined palate?

Q: Which do you think would get the highest bid on eBay: Keith Sweat's used colostomy bag or a ziploc bag full of R. Kelly's bellybutton lint?

• Anonymous

CC: I'll chew on that. Until next time...

10 Random Burning Questions

10) If LeBron gets dunked on at his skills camp (or in the forest) and makes Nike confiscate the only videotape so it doesn't go viral, did it happen?

9) Was death Michael Jackson's only hope to get out of debt and become popular again among new and old fans?


8) Could Billy Mays have picked a worse week to die?


7) Did the first person to ever have a hangover think he was dying? Did he then utter the words "I'm never drinking again"?


6) How many unsuccessful attempts did early man have with eating bananas? And, as a follow-up, did we learn on our own to take off the peel or did we imitate the primates?


5) Honestly, how does Doritos keep coming up with delicious new flavor combinations while maintaining the popularity of Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch?


4) What will happen first: Pete Rose gets into the Baseball Hall of Fame or (Coach) John Caccetta gets into the Walsingham Academy Sports Hall of Fame?


3) Could I care less about Jon & Kate?

2) What is the slap per scene ratio in Spanish soap operas compared to American daytime dramas?

1) Guys, would you rather have a rattail or wear a cowboy hat at all times (assume it is tolerated at work, at the gym, in restaurants, etc.)? Similarly, ladies, would you rather have 5th grade bangs or rock a fanny pack 24/7 (with a trendy and stylish haircut)?

Mox

I am working on a Ramblings post, but I am short on time right now...so for now, enjoy one of the greatest monologues in movie history (tweaked for maximum impact).

Highlight of the Week

I rarely get emotionally invested in international soccer tournaments outside of the World Cup, probably because the US rarely competes at a high level on the international stage. This year's FIFA Confederations Cup was an exception. The US got lucky to advance from group play, but the upset over Spain got everyone excited about US futbol. The first half against Brazil gave US fans World Cup Fever a year early. Brazil proved to be the better team in the 2nd half, but that first half gives us hope for a miracle run in South Africa in 2010. We now know we can compete with the best in the world. I realize Brazil could have won 6-2, but the US was close to shocking the world and winning its first FIFA tournament.

It was a great game and no moment was better than Landon Donovan's goal off a counter-attack in the first half. Donovan got at least three inches off the ground on his vertical leap in celebration of the goal. It's Chop Culture's highlight of the week:

NBA Draft Observations

• I like Stephen Curry, but I thought #7 overall was too high to draft him. Also, I don't think Golden State is a good fit. I'm not sure why all the experts are saying that Curry fits in best with an up-tempo run-n-gun offense like Golden State or the Knicks. To me, Curry is at his best running off screens in the half-court set (like Rip Hamilton). If he plays point guard, I see him as a scoring point guard like Mario Chalmers -- but not a fast breaking PG. Rumors are swarming that Curry may be traded to Phoenix along with several other players in exchange for Amare Stoudemire. I think Phoenix would fit Curry's game better than Golden State. He could play shooting guard and spend some time at the point behind Steve Nash. I hope I'm wrong about this, but I predict that Wayne Ellington (28th pick to Minnesota) will be a better pro that Curry. Ellington was a steal that late in the 1st round and he can flat out shoot. Curry is a better all-around player, but Ellington's shooting and athleticism will make him a solid shooting guard for the next decade. Interestingly, Ellington was Minnesota's only pick (of 5) that isn't a point guard.
  

• Tyreke Evans is a ball hog...but he might end up being the best player in this draft. He was a ballhog in high school, college, and even at the McDonald's All-American game. I don't like the way he plays. Nonetheless, his game translates well at the next level and he is in a good situation in Sacramento where he will be THE MAN from day one. He can run the point surrounded by Kevin Martin, Jason Thompson, and Spence Hawes. They won't be a playoff team for at least 2-3 years, but Evans instantly becomes their best player.

• I think Terrence Williams is this year's Josh Howard (in that he is versatile, can defend, and can score when necessary -- not in that he smokes weed on a daily basis). I was really hoping T. Will would fall to my Bobcats at #12 (went to NJ at #11). Williams can defend 3 positions, play 2 positions, and will be a vocal leader in due time. His shooting has improved every year. Gerald Henderson was a nice consolation prize for Charlotte, but I worry about his consistency (or lack thereof).

• 2nd round steals: DeJuan Blair - Spurs (#37), Chase Budinger - Rockets (#44), and Patty Mills - Blazers (#55).

• Draft winners:
• 1) Grizzlies - Hasheem Thabeet (UConn), DeMarre Carroll (Mizzou), and Sam Young (Pitt) - You know what you're getting with Thabeet. Carroll brings energy and defense. Young is an athletic scorer.
• 2) Spurs - DeJuan Blair (Pitt), Jack McClinton (Miami), and Nando De Colo (France) - I can't believe Blair fell so far. He will fit in nicely with the Spurs. McClinton has unlimited range. I don't know much about the Frenchman, but I trust that the Spurs know what they're doing. I love the Richard Jefferson trade as well.
• 3) Bucks - Brandon Jennings (Compton via Italy), Jodie Meeks (UK) - Jennings might be the best playmaker in this draft. Meeks probably should've gone back to school, but he can score in bunches and the Bucks need perimeter scoring now that Jefferson is gone.

• Shout out to Omri Casspi from Israel -- the 22nd overall pick to the Kings. Hopefully he will be the first NBA player ever from Israel. Mazel tov, Omri!
  

Zack Morris

This is one of the best talk show interviews you will ever see.

Mailbag 2.0

Once again, these are real questions from actual readers.

Q: What is the age limit on bringing a baseball glove to a pro baseball game?

• Dave F., Richmond, VA

Chop Culture: A part of me wants to say there is no age limit, but upon further reflection, it is age 12. The early teen years are meant for rebellion and trying to act cool, and bringing a baseball glove to a game is neither rebellious nor cool. Once you reach high school, if you can’t catch a baseball barehanded, then just get out of the way when a foul ball comes in your direction.

Q: How would you feel about being the executive producer of my new documentary entitled "GP: Gettin’ Worked"? It would be filmed at my Monday night pickup game and would mostly consist of me turning the ball over roughly 10 times, maybe scoring anywhere from 2 to 4 points and being too out of breath to talk to my teammates.

• Gram P., Greenville, SC

CC: GP, footage of your Monday night pick-up game could not be any less intriguing than “Kobe: Doin’ Work” so I’m all for it. Your Monday night pick-up game is also as significant to the 2008 playoff picture as the Lakers-Spurs game from late in the 2007-2008 season. I would just ask that you give me some voice-overs in which you point out relatively obvious facets of the game, make sure not to show any compelling off-the-court footage, and talk to your teammates so much that they seem shocked that you are interacting with them at all.

Q: It’s a well-known fact that Billy Mays rules the infomercial world. OxiClean, OrangeGlo, Kaboom!, Mighty Putty...we've bought them all and loved every minute! Recently, salesmen like Vince Shlomi, promoter of ShamWow!, are trying to get their cut of the market. Everyone knows ShamWow! is just a knock-off of May's ZorbEEZ. Shlomi's arrest in South Beach after he smacked a ho puts him in on the sideline. Who's next in line to take a run at the king?

• Patrick W., Richmond, VA

CC: As Keith Sweat would say, nobooooody! Billy Mays could sell ice to an Eskimo. He is the undisputed king of infomercials. I think sportscaster Gus Johnson would be a great infomercial spokesman. Think about Gus selling ShamWow!: “Rise and fire! He got it! He got the stain! Never buy paper towels again! It holds 12 times its weight in liquid! This is ShamWow!” Anyway, back to Billy Mays – check out this video of Mays being Mays at a McDonald’s drive-thru.

Q: Can you believe Redick vs. Morrison ACTUALLY happened? We're in the midst of an NBA Finals for the ages, no doubt.

• Tony R., Baltimore, MD

CC: Adam Morrison was drafted 3^rd overall (Bobcats) and J.J. Redick was taken 11^th overall (Magic) in the 2006 NBA Draft – I bet both teams wish they could have a do-over. My Bobcats still haven’t recovered from the Morrison pick. Obviously, the Magic have adjusted to the fact that Redick is one-dimensional and currently third on the shooting guard depth chart in Orlando. The Bobcats could have taken Brandon Roy (taken 6^th overall) or Rudy Gay (8^th) with the 3^rd pick in 2006 instead of Morrison, and the Magic could have taken Rajon Rondo (21^st), Jordan Farmar (26^th), or Ronnie Brewer (14^th) with the 11^th pick. I guess picking Dwight Howard over Emeka Okafor (not a no-brainer at the time) in the 2004 Draft and signing free-agents like Hedo Turkoglu and Rashard Lewis has helped the Magic make up for poor draft picks. But I digress…Redick vs. Morrison – where amazing happens!

Q: “The Real World: Cancun” starts soon and MTV renewed “The Real World” for four more seasons after that. Assuming the show won’t go back to a city it’s already been, what do you think are the top candidates for the next four seasons?

• Doodlebug, Worsham, VA

CC: I’d like to see the show stay in the U.S., but there are a few foreign possibilities. Here’s my top 10 cities that have not yet been selected for a coveted Real World season.

10) Nashville: Cast could get a job in music and frequent the plethora of bars.

9) Dallas: Good food, sports, and art.

8) Amsterdam: The only place that could cause more of an international incident than Cancun.

7) Toronto: New York meets Chicago.

6) Phoenix: No longer a desert.

5) Madrid: Ciudad that never sleeps.

4) Montreal: Cultural capital of Canada.

3) Houston: Put a lazy cast in one of the fattest cities in the world.

2) Atlanta: Hosted an Olympics and can’t get a Real World season?

1) D.C.: Plenty of history, politics, culture, and, oh yeah, bars.

Q: A fast food chain approaches you to design a new menu item. What's your creation and what would you call it? (Mine would be ChickInsanity - a fried chicken patty, topped with chicken salad and an egg.)

• Dave F., Richmond, VA

CC: Dave, I think you used the whole chicken except the gizzards in your creation…but it sounds awesome! I have always been a chicken sandwich guy more so than a burger guy. My creation would not be as creative as yours, but I think it might be even more delicious. I would use Chick Fil-a’s chicken patty recipe, reshape it to fit on a Burger King hoagie roll (as used on the long pollo), steal the recipe for Zaxby’s sauce (somewhere between a BBQ and chipotle sauce), and top the sandwich with a few onion rings and bacon. I would call it the Southwestern Long Pollo. I would also make sure the restaurant carried Coke Zero and orange soda as fountain drinks.

Q: If you could bring back ANY fad from any time of your life, what would it be? My vote: slap bracelets.

• Michelle K., Columbia, SC

CC: I don’t think I can narrow it down to just one fad so I’ll narrow it down to one outfit. I know you think I’m going to say Henley shirts and Zubaz pants, but that’s too obvious. I would wear L.A. Gear shoes, Jams shorts, a Hypercolor shirt, a Starter jacket, a Swatch watch, get a hi-top fade from my barber, and trade Pokemon cards with my buds (which of course I keep in my Trapper Keeper).

Q: If you could change three rules in the NFL what would you change? (Note: Spotting the Lions six automatic wins at the start of every season isn't allowed.)

• Tony R., Baltimore, MD

Q: If you could add one new rule to NFL football what would it be?

• Hunter R., Greenville, SC

CC: Great minds think alike. Per Tony’s request, I’ll give you three rule changes I’d like to see:

1) Coaches should not be allowed to call timeouts. Particularly on field goal attempts, only players should be allowed to call a timeout BEFORE the ball is snapped.

2) Overtime should be like college overtime – both teams get the ball at the opponents’ 25 yard line. More scoring means more action. You have to go for two-point conversions starting in the third overtime so games wouldn’t last that much longer than the current system. As it is now, too much rides on a coin toss.

3) This isn’t technically a rule change, but the season should be 18 games long with only two preseason games. There’s no reason an 8-8 team should be in the playoffs and no reason an 11-5 team should be out of the playoffs. Two more regular season games wouldn’t cause too many more injuries than two more preseason games would.

Q: If you had to choose between the two, would you rather be Spencer Pratt's siamese twin or have an ingrown toenail for the rest of your life? (Neither can be removed through surgery). Defend your answer.

• Lindsey D., Kawaihae, HI

CC: I’d rather have 10 ingrown toenails for the rest of my life than share a uterus and/or a body with Spencer Pratt. Enjoy that mental image.

Q: I accidently entered www.chopculture.com and the site seemed pretty lame. If the occasion presented itself, what kind of offer would you make for that address?

• Hunter R., Greenville, SC

CC: Yeah, I don’t understand that website. It’s just a logo of an 8-ball with a crown – there is no actual website to explore. I can’t tell if that guy is selling something or is just some d-bag with a nickname (like me). Don’t you think the owner would part with the domain name for $100 and the rights to www.chopculture.net? I’ll make an offer.

Q: Disregarding that (a) you're a dude and (b) they are cartoons, I present Shag, Marry, or Kill: Count Chocula, Franken Berry, Boo Berry.

• Karen R., West Columbia, SC

CC: Was the Yummy Mummy not available? I would KILL Count Chocula because I hate vampires. I would SHAG Boo Berry because it most resembles a female. That means I have to MARRY Franken Berry. And I’m okay with that.