Q: When I read, I hear Kelsey Grammar's voice in my head. I do this intentionally to make reading more interesting. 1) Is this weird? 2) Who provides the monologue for your inner voice?
- Dave F., Richmond, VA
Chop Culture: 1) Yes, that is weird. 2) I narrate my own silent reading, but your question makes me want to reconsider that decision. Morgan Freeman is an obvious choice since he has served as the narrator for at least two dozen films, but I’d like to be a little more creative. Kelsey Grammar has a good voice, but after awhile you would have to realize that Sideshow Bob is reading a John Grisham novel to you inside your own head. James Earl Jones would be a sneaky good inner voice, but that choice might eventually lead me to build a baseball stadium in my cornfields. Upon significant reflection, I would choose rapper DMX to narrate/rap my inner voice when I read. Here is how DMX might articulate the opening passage from an English literature classic: “Uhh, where my doggs at, uhh, come on, Swiss Beatz, uhh, yeah, Ruff Ryders…it was da best of times, it was da worst of times, it was da age of wisdom, it was da age of foolishness…it was a tale of two cities, muthaf_cka!”
Q: If you had to cut one of the main characters from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” who would it be and why? And it can't be someone like The Waitress or Rickety Cricket -- it has to be Dennis, Mac, Charlie, Sweet Dee, or Frank.
- Karen R., West Columbia, SC
CC: That’s a tough question because the show will instantly be worse if I take out one of those characters. It’s similar to trying to take one of the main characters out of “Seinfeld” – each character in integral to the success of the show. One thing “Always Sunny” has done that “Seinfeld” could never do was add a fifth main character. Frank Reynolds (played by Danny Devito) was not in Season 1, but he has fit in perfectly with the cast without trying to steal the spotlight from the other lesser-known actors. Apparently, Devito was just a fan of the show and the creators jumped at the chance to have him join the show. I find it hilarious that Frank went from a successful businessman to living in squalor in Charlie’s apartment, where the two men share a futon and some raggedy long johns. Charlie is among my top 10 favorite TV characters of all-time. I think Mac, Dennis, Sweet Dee, and Frank are equally funny (and equally depraved) in their own ways. If I had to get rid of one it would be Frank. He is hilarious, but the show was funny (though not as funny) before he came to the show. The show would be worse without him, but I can’t give up any other character. After all, according to the gang, Mac is the brawn, Dennis is the looks and the brains, and Charlie is the wild card. Sweet Dee provides a woman’s perspective, albeit a disturbing perspective at times. If you have never watched this show, please reexamine the priorities in your life.
Q: If you could attend any of the following four high schools, which would it be and why: 1) Bayside High, 2) Dillon High (with Coach Taylor), 3) West Beverly High, or 4) Walsingham Academy? Please use comparisons of each school in your answer.
- Matt B., Morgantown, WV
CC: Well, I attended Walsingham Academy – we had some good times but it would obviously be my fourth choice. I will break down each school based on seven categories: 1) sports, 2) extracurricular activities, 3) academics / college placement 4) location, 5) posse, 6) girls, and 7) administration. The sports category is based equally on how good the sports teams are and if I could make the varsity teams (i.e., if I cannot make the team, they better be state champs).
BAYSIDE HIGH (“Saved By the Bell”)
Sports: Good wrestling team led by Slater. Decent football team led by Slater, Moose, and Ox. Slater was all-city in four sports. Zack was a star basketball player until he sprained his knee. If Zack could start for the basketball team, I could definitely make the team.
Extracurricular activities: No high school clique was more involved outside the classroom than the Bayside crew. For a self-proclaimed slacker, Zack was extremely involved with extracurricular activities. Student council, campus radio station, school plays, glee club, and school carnival, just to name a few.
Academics/college placement: Jessie was rejected by Stansbury. Slater gave up a wrestling scholarship to Iowa. Zack was accepted to Yale based on his 1502 SAT score. Ultimately, everyone ended up a Cal U.
Location: Bayside was originally in Indiana and then – for no apparent reason – Zack, Lisa, Screech, Belding, and the school itself moved to California. It would be nice to be near the beach, especially on senior skip day. The Maxx is a good hang-out spot.
Posse: Zack, Slater, Screech. Ouch. I am a huge “SBTB” fan, but who would want to hang out with these d-bags?
Girls: Kelly, Jessie, Lisa, Tori, Stacey Carosi (summers at Malibu Sands although technically she did not attend Bayside). Solid lineup.
Administration: “Hey, hey, hey, what is going on here?” Mr. Belding put the “pal” in principal. He flailed on the oil spill incident, but for the most part he was an effective administrator. “The Big Bopper” could spin some records as well.
DILLON HIGH (“Friday Night Lights”)
Sports: Good news = football. State champs. Bad news = all other sports. No one even discusses other sports. The entire athletic department budget goes to football. They might not even have a basketball team.
Extracurricular activities: Very few. Do pep rallies count? Julie is involved with Habitat for Humanity. Landry is a tutor. Riggins starts drinking immediately after his last class – if he actually shows up for school. What a great character.
Academics/college placement: Yet to be determined to some extent. Lyla went to Vanderbilt. Saracen goes to art school in Chicago. Smash plays football at TMU. The others are either too young (see: Landry, Julie, J.D. McCoy) or not the college type (see: Tim and Billy Riggins). Tami Taylor was a good resource for prospective college students during her time as guidance counselor.
Location: Dillon, Texas. Close enough for a weekend trip to Mexico.
Posse: Street, Smash, Riggins, Landry, Saracen. ASIDE: I am assuming I am in the same graduating class as Riggins so I am not counting the posse or girls from Season 4 at East Dilllon.
Girls: Lyla, Tyra, Julie. I’ll take quality over quantity with this group.
Administration: Guidance counselor/principal Tami Taylor. Coach Eric Taylor. Good leadership from the Taylor household. I’m sure Dillon High would love to keep them on the faculty/staff for a very long time…ohhh wait.
WEST BEVERLY HIGH (“BH9er”)
Sports: None to speak of. Tennis, anyone? The football and track teams had steroid issues. None of the main characters are jocks, although Brandon and Steve played some classic one-on-one games in the driveway.
Extracurricular activities: School newspaper, school DJ, teen crisis hotline (Kelly probably has this number on speed dial), dance committee, etc.
Academic/college placement: Andrea fulfilled her lifelong goal of being accepted to Yale only to snub the Ivy League and attend California University, every other main character attended CU as well.
Location: Beverly Hills, California. Not my scene. Peach Pit (and Nat’s sage wisdom) make 90210 a more favorable location than it would be otherwise.
Posse: Brandon, Luke, Steve, David Silver. If we could ditch Steve and David, we’d have a legit posse.
Girls: Kelly, Brenda, Donna, Andrea, Emily Valentine. In other words, basket case, bitch, airhead, bookworm, pyromaniac. Run far, far away from these ladies!
Administration: The gang seemed to have a good rapport with Mrs. Teasley, the vice principal. Hell, she let Donna Martin graduate.
VERDICT: 1) Dillon – I can’t play sports there, but the football team dominates and there is a solid group of guys and girls. 2) West Beverly – Brandon, Dylan, and Nat make up for the girls with baggage. 3) Bayside – even Kelly Kapowski isn’t enough to rank them higher. 4) Walsingham. Honorable Mention: Capeside High (Dawson’s Creek), The Harbor School (The OC), and John Adams High (Boy Meets World).
Q: If you could have a supporting role on any 80’s movie, what would it be and why?
- Errol E., Santa Monica, CA
CC: I thought about this one for about 0.0001 seconds…of course I would play Stiles from “Teen Wolf.” Speaking of which, what is the deal with the new Teen Wolf show on MTV? The new TV show is based on the 1985 classic flick, but it departs drastically from the original storyline. It’s not even a comedy, much less a cheesy comedy. Why even call it “Teen Wolf”? The MTV series is described as a "sexy thriller set against the drama of high school life with a forbidden, romantic love story at its core." "Vampire Diaries" and "Twilight" called and they want their premise back. This is why MTV has been one of the lamest cable networks of the last decade. I refuse to watch the channel unless TJ Lavin is hosting a challenge consisting of people that used to live in a house together or people that used to live in an RV together.
Q: If you had one day to live (for the sake of this question let’s say the day is from 6:00 AM to 6:00 AM)…and you had to spend it in Williamsburg, Virginia, give me an hour by hour breakdown of how you would spend the day?
- Travis C., Arlington, VA
CC: Wow, kind of a morbid question, but I guess I need to go out with a bang. For purposes of this question, I am going to assume that I’ve already said my goodbyes to friends and family, and this day is just about the Colonial Capital and me.
6:00 A.M. – Wake up in Whitey’s grandma’s room – I just realized how weird that sounds if you don’t know the context. Crush a Chick Fil-A chicken biscuit. Wait for Kirkland – my former boss when I was a pool boy/overglorified trashman – to arrive at work. Slash the tires on Kirkland’s blue Mustang.
7:00 A.M. – Steal a golf cart from the Woods Course – another one of my former employers. Go for a joyride and call in a Code Brown to Mounts Bay Pool (a Code Brown is pool boy lingo for exactly what you think it would be). Kirkland is stressed out and my day is off to a great start.
8:00 A.M. – Sneak into Busch Gardens through the woods. Kill time playing skeeball at the arcade. Hang around the petting zoo until the park opens at 9:00. Saddle up on a Clydesdale.
9:00 A.M. – First in line to ride in the front of Apollo’s Chariot. Hit up Loch Ness Monster for old times sake. Go to the “Guess Your Weight” game – even if the guy does not correctly guess my weight, I punch him in the neck and run off with my prize – a giant stuffed gorilla.
10:00 A.M. – Make my way to Colonial Williamsburg. Purchase a tri-corner hat and a fife. Direct traffic at confusion corner. Alienate tourists. Throw horse manure at kids in the stockade / pillory torture device while their parents take pictures. Churn butter. Shear a sheep’s wool. Make soap out of lard. The usual.
11:00 A.M. – Go to Walsingham (my high school). Bring Coach Caccetta (my gym coach/tennis coach/idol) a fresh pair of Zubaz pants. Coach and I team up against the 8th graders in a game of floor hockey. Coach scores a hat trick within the first minute. Then he scores another hat trick. Then another. Coach has a hat trick of hat tricks. I am honored to be on the same gym floor with him today.
12:00 P.M. – Lunch at the Cheese Shop – the combo with cheddar is quite simply the finest lunch sandwich known to man.
1:00 P.M. – Take a drive to Sno-to-Go. If you are not familiar with this establishment, it serves a delectable treat that combines a sno-cone and an ice cream cone. Pure genius. I have no idea why this concept has not spread like wildfire throughout the nation. It is a moneymaking machine in the summer. But I digress.
2:00 P.M. – Head to my old neighborhood Windsor Forest on the west side of town. I head to “the park” for some wallball – I dominate Billy Madison style. “Now you’re all in big, big trouble!” It’s a hot day so I suggest some sharks and minnows at the pool. After that gets old, let’s clear out of the deep end for a biggest splash contest. My cannonball easily wins. Do I care that I am the only person old enough to swim during adult swim? No, I don’t.
3:00 P.M. - Break into my old house and take a nap in my old room. If you’re keeping track, this is at least my fourth crime of the day. Exit house before current owners return from work.
4:00 P.M. – Refreshed from a power nap, I head to Quarterpath Park for some pick-up hoops. Gus Johnson is there to give the play-by play. “Rise and fire…he got it! My name is Chop and I make buckets!”
5:00 P.M. – Time to stop off at Hot Diggity Dog for a light bite. What the hell? Hot Diggity Dog is closed? Who is the dead man responsible for this?
6:00 P.M. – Still hungry, I head to Pierce’s Pitt BBQ for some ‘cue. No, I am not counting calories today.
7:00 P.M. – Off to Monica’s Psychic Advisor to answer the age old question: is this place a brothel or just a money laundering scheme? Monica is definitely not reading palms. She is either greasing palms…or greasing palms. Let’s just move on.
8:00 P.M. – Hang out in the Williamsburg Crossing parking lot for an hour. No one else is hanging out. A passerby mentions that everyone loiters at some new shopping center called New Town now. I will stay here and rep my city.
9:00 P.M. – Time to call my PT Cruiser Limo since I will be drinking. Start off with a LeBomb James shot at Pitcher’s. Leave this cougar den as soon as I chalk clap Splenda all over the floor.
10:00 P.M. – Hit up Paul’s Deli. Order a hot Holly sub and wash it down with a pitcher of Natty Light – the best bar food and drink combination in the 757.
11:00 P.M. – For this hour only – it suddenly transforms into the night before Thanksgiving at Paul’s and I get to say goodbye to everyone I’ve known since kindergarten. I also get to snub people that I don’t like because I know I will never see them again.
12:00 A.M. – Go to Green Leafe to tell everyone inside that Paul’s is the best bar in town.
1:00 A.M. – It’s karaoke night at the 415 Grill at the Hospitality House. The crowd laughs as I select Kelly Clarkson’s “Miss Independent” but I win them over in a mere three minutes and thirty-four seconds.
2:00 A.M. – Dine and ditch at IHOP on Richmond Road.
3:00 A.M. – Go to bar/club Carpe P.M. The white trash dance club that likes to “seize the night” had a short run in the ‘burg, but it makes a one-night comeback in honor of my last night. I’ve never been happier to see people in jorts grind on the dance floor.
4:00 A.M. – Sneak into Water Country. Take a few laps on the Lazy River with an inner tube and some fruity drinks. Obviously there are no lifeguards on duty so I enter Big Daddy Falls at my own risk. I ride Aquazoid until my fingers are pruned.
5:00 A.M. – Head back to Colonial Williamsburg for my last hour. Go streaking down Duke of Gloucester Street. At 5:59 A.M., I literally climb into a cannon next to the gunpowder magazine and light the fuse. Blast off! I told you I had to go out with a bang.
Q: In defense of its relatively poor showings in prior World Cups, casual US soccer fans like to justify this by claiming that the best athletes in Brazil, Italy, Argentina, etc. play soccer whereas the best US athletes play other sports. Bill Simmons has echoed this sentiment many times over the years. Which US athletes do you think would make great soccer players? What would your lineup be?
- Hunter R., Greenville, SC
CC: I am considering all US athletes of my lifetime and I am assuming they will play on my soccer team when they were in their prime. I will not include athletes like Jackie Robinson or Muhammad Ali, who were before my time, although those two would probably be good soccer players.
FORWARDS – all about speed and finishing skills: 1) Allen Iverson (basketball) and 2) Michael Chang (tennis). Bench: Michael Johnson (track) and Deion Sanders (football/baseball).
MIDFIELDERS – all about stamina, footwork, controlling the tempo of the game, and above-average speed: 1) Barry Sanders (football), 2) Lance Armstrong (cycling), 3) Derek Jeter (baseball), and 4) Chad Ocho Cinco (football). Bench: Kobe Bryant (basketball) and Apolo Anton Ohno (speed skating).
DEFENDERS – all about intimidation, good tackling, and athleticism: 1) Mike Tyson (boxing), 2) LeBron James (basketball), 3) Ronnie Lott (football), and 4) Bo Jackson (football/baseball). Bench: Ed Reed (football) and Deron Williams (basketball).
GOALKEEPER – all about wingspan, reflexes, and instincts: Michael Phelps (swimmer). Bench: Stacey “Plastic Man” Augmon (basketball) and Rajon Rondo (basketball).
My starting lineup (4-4-2) would look like this:
PHELPS
BO-LEBRON-LOTT-TYSON
JETER -LANCE-BARRY-OCHO CINCO
IVERSON-CHANG
Q: If California Dreams and Hot Sundae appeared on Ed McMahon’s Star Search against each other, who would have received more stars and why?
- Lindsey D., Nashville, TN
