100 Certainties

My blog turns two years old today. I'm not sure if it's a birthday or an anniversary, but two human years is at least 14 years in blog years. I wanted to do something special for the occasion.

You may recall that I posted a list of 75 Things that Are Certain in Life about two years ago -- it was one of my first posts ever and also one of my most popular (the 12 people that read this blog really enjoyed it). BDF and I created the original list in 2005, and then modified a few things for the 2008 version (we didn't need to modify much because these things are certain). We have come up with 25 new certainties to round out the list at 100. 100-76 are new and 75-1 are exactly the same as listed two years ago. Enjoy and all feedback is welcome.

100 Things That Are Certain in Life

100. "Jersey Shore" is the first TV show ever to jump the shark before its first episode.

99. White people really like stuffwhitepeoplelike.com.

98. Free chips and salsa at Mexican restaurants is always a consideration when deciding where to go out to dinner.

97. Your mom friended me on Facebook. Yeah she did.

96. If you own a Snuggie, and it's not as a joke, and it wasn't a gift, and you're seriously wearing it for warmth and the freedom to use your hands, then I decree that you be locked in a drafty living room for 24 hours with nothing but a box of Snackwells, a crossword puzzle, and a "Murder She Wrote" marathon on USA network.

95. Three things that should be separate: 1) church and state, 2) socks and sandals, 3) cell phone and mp3 player.

94. F_ck you, Jay Leno. F_ck you.

93. I don't find loin cloths all that comfortable, but the Native Americans got it right with the moccasin.

92. The last time "SportsCenter" showed me a good set of highlights without mindless commentary and hackneyed attempts at humor was the same day MTV last played a decent music video.

91. They said I couldn't get through the first 28 years of my life without ironing a single article of clothing, but I proved them wrong.

90. Bill Buckner would be a rich man if he had trademarked his own brand of nutmeg in 1986.

89. I have a sneaking suspicion that Bret Michaels does not really want to find a wife. I'm on to you, Bret.

88. Memo to "The Office": "Wayne's World" called. It wants its "that's what she said" joke back.

87. Tim Tebow is either the most self-righteous athlete of our generation or the most genuine. I can't decide yet.

86. General Tso shared his chicken recipe with a lot of people.

85. It is impossible to overhype "The Wire" when describing the show to someone who has never watched it.

84. Fantasy football is the lowest form of athletic participation. Even in a football video game, you get to call the plays and control the buttons.

83. Never be on time for a surprise party. Be early or late.

82. Of all the men in the world who wear half a can of hair mousse per day, I only trust one: Mel Kiper, Jr.

81. If you wear overalls to a court appearance, then logic suggests that you also eat your own boogers.

80. I used to wear wristbands during sporting events because they look cool; now, I wear them because I have the sweat glands of a man twice my age.

79. It's amazing how many "Jeopardy" contestants are underemployed.

78. Grocery shopping while you're hungry significantly increases your risk of buying Hot Pockets, mini corn dogs, and tater tots. Be responsible. Be an adult.

77. I am bummed that, under a new state law, I can no longer sext while driving unless I'm at a stoplight.

76. Work productivity during the first two days of March Madness is like Tiger Woods' marriage and golf game: subpar (ZING!).

75. If you ever owned a Nintendo, you will never forget the codes for Contra or Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out.

74. An Easter basket without Cadbury Eggs is like a Christmas stocking full of coal.

73. Puffy had something (read: everything) to do with 2Pac’s murder.

72. First 5 minutes of every O.C. episode: cereal and bagels in the Cohen’s kitchen, discussion of how a family crisis was averted, a witty line by Seth. Maestro, cue the theme song.

71. It is impossible to look cool while exiting the back seat of a 2-door car.

70. I want to create a crime scene investigation show to investigate why CBS has 12 crime scene investigation shows.

69. I would not have been able to control my excitement if there had been a Salute Your Shorts: The College Years.

68. No one will ever convince me that Creed is not a Christian rock band.

67. If wearing tights is a requirement of all superheroes, then I am content as a mortal being.

66. Any man who thinks that Friends is funnier than Seinfeld should keep that opinion to himself. Any man who thinks Will & Grace is funnier than Seinfeld should be publicly caned.

65. No matter who wins the Masters, Jim Nantz will call it a “win for the ages.”

64. 1988: Honda CRX & Oakley Razors = cool. 2008: Honda CRX & Oakley Razors = divorced man with a mullet and black jean shorts. But still cool.

63. Anyone who says he or she has never sung along out loud to a Kelly Clarkson song while driving is either lying or doesn’t have a radio.

62. I hate to say it, but Will Ferrell has peaked and is quickly plummeting into Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler territory.

61. If you root for Duke or UNC basketball but cheer for a different school in college football, I have no respect for you and your bragging privileges are void.

60. TNT knows drama, but I have no use for the channel unless it is airing the NBA Playoffs or a 24-hour marathon of A Christmas Story.

59. I will support my son’s creative imagination until he puts Dungeons & Dragons on his Christmukkah wishlist. Then I will choose a sport and make him practice that sport 15 hours a day.

58. You know you would do Blanche Devereaux from Golden Girls if no one would find out.

57. The only thing that will keep Travis Henry from impregnating more women is a court-ordered vasectomy.

56. Our brave soldiers didn’t fight for your freedom so you could own “You Got Served” on DVD.

55. If a car has more than two anti-Bush stickers on its bumper, it’s probably either a ‘93 Ford Escort or a ‘94 Geo Prism.

54. You can learn a lot about people from their IM away messages and buddy profiles. Unfortunately, those people are in high school and you are in your mid-twenties.

53. God forbid there is ever a sitcom featuring Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Sommers as a married couple living in a big house with their kids from previous marriages. Wait a minute, this did happen. Worst. Show. Ever.

52. Women say I go to Hooters for the girls. Yeah, I don’t like chicken wings, Philly cheese steaks, burgers, fried shrimp, or seasoned curlies. Oh, and I especially don’t like cold draft beer and being surrounded by 25 big screen TVs showing nothing but sports.

51. No high school clique will ever participate in as many extra curricular activities as the Saved By the Bell crew from Bayside.

50. If you have ever performed a karaoke rendition of “Hungry Eyes,” you do not deserve to sit at my table.

49. No self-respecting person would ever ask the following questions to a co-worker: 1) Is it Friday yet?, 2) Hot enough for you out there?, 3) Are you working hard or hardly working?, 4) Are we having fun yet? NO EXCEPTIONS.

48. Henley shirts (no collar, three buttons—circa 1994) will make a fashion comeback, and I hope I’m alive to see it.

47. No, I didn't watch American Idol last night.

46. The people at Frito-Lay keep wowing me with their new and exciting flavors of Doritos.

45. Under no circumstances shall a man purchase, consume, or physically touch a bottle of Mike's Hard Lemonade.

44. Every Thanksgiving, one person in everyone's family will ask why the Detroit Lions always play on Thanksgiving.

43. Reality TV went too far when it introduced competing nanny shows.

42. If you're drinking tea sweetened with Splenda, Sweet 'N Low, or Equal, you aren't drinking sweet tea -- you're drinking lies.

41. Few things in life are worse than realizing Supercuts gave you the “Lloyd Christmas” haircut.

40. If you watch the Full House episode where D.J. oversleeps for the SATs the night before you have an important exam, you will not enjoy a pleasant night’s sleep.

39. "A Shot of Love" with Tila Tequila is a grievous embarrassment to my generation. It has replaced "The Maury Povich Show" as the show I'd least like to watch with my parents.

38. Women over the age of 40 who wear sleeveless blouses are either attractive enough to know they can pull it off or fat enough not to care.

37. Regardless of what context the word “charisma” is used in, I will think of Brad’s horse on Hey Dude whenever I hear it.

36. Jean shorts (jorts) should only be worn under the following circumstances: your name is “Stone Cold” Steve Austin or you work at a rural convenient store that sells Sun Drop and Cheerwine.

35. It is universally known that if you simultaneously cuss, smoke a cigarette, and wear sunglasses inside, you are cool.

34. Chris Rock’s stand-up is funny, but he will never be in a funny or even watchable movie.

33. If you have ever waited in line at midnight for a new video game system, Harry Potter book, or Star Wars Movie, then chances are you probably don’t get enough exercise.

32. I cannot imagine a scenario in which I would turn down a toasted bagel.

31. If you don’t have a Foxtail or a Nerf product in your garage, you are a Communist.

30. Skip Bayless is the belly button lint of ESPN.

29. No one reads your blog. (BLOGGER'S NOTE: this one is ironic but true)

28. There have been plenty of times when I felt ripped off. But when I found out that Jerry Levine was not cast as Styles in “Teen Wolf Too” I felt like I got the wind knocked out of me. Stuart Fratkin? Are you freakin' kidding me?

27. If you didn’t swallow and/or throw up your first dip, you are a better man than I had previously assumed.

26. To qualify as a huge reggae fan, you must own more than just Bob Marley’s Legend album.

25. TGIF was on life support for several years beforehand, but the pilot of Sabrina the Teenage Witch constituted assisted suicide on our beloved Friday night lineup.

24. Steve Winwood's 1986 album “Back in the High Life” is the ideal background music for any 80s romantic comedy. A couple on the beach, the guy cracks a corny joke about what they've just experienced, the girl rolls her eyes and smiles, and they hug and walk into the sunset. "Finer Things" or “Higher Love” plays as the credits roll.

23. You really can’t blame Ellen DeGeneres for wanting to bone Anne Heche or Portia de Rossi.

22. I'm hoping the next installment of the Real World includes a jock who gets wasted a lot, a sensitive guy, an angry African-American male, a shy girl, a sorostitute, a feminist and a gay dude. I am quite certain that I won't be disappointed.

21. Fruit Stripe gum is by far the best tasting gum for 90 seconds.There must be a way to harness the goodness for a longer period.

20. Punk’d will never get played out…until the second season.

19. Any time a sitcom adds a new character that comes to live with the family after the show has been on the air for 5 or more years, you can count on the show's demise within 2 months. (See The Brady Bunch, Diff'rent Strokes, Cosby Show, and Growing Pains).

18. The following are the only times when a Canadian tuxedo (acid wash denim jacket/jeans, white T-shirt, hi-tops) is appropriate: a Marty McFly look-a-like contest, a Styx/Reo Speedwagon concert, and casual Fridays at the office.

17. The Fray went from being the most underrated band in the world to being the most overrated band in the world in a matter of days.

16. No matter how full I am after a huge holiday meal, I will eat at least one piece of pie followed by a small plate of leftovers before bedtime. Stuffing sandwich, anyone?

15. I will not rest until every state passes legislation making it a misdemeanor to wear a Polo knit shirt under a Polo Oxford. I don’t care where you prepped.

14. The wifebeater is the best name ever for an article of clothing. How did this term become socially acceptable?

13. John Stamos’s hair is the most underrated actor of our generation.

12. Depression is the only possible human emotion that can result from listening to Coldplay.

11. Girls over 25 who still dress punk aren’t really punks. They are just mad at their dads.

10. If you schedule your wedding during college football season, you cannot get pissed when none of your buddies show up. If I am going to miss my team's big game, I need you to guarantee me 6 hours of open bar, an endless supply of crabcakes, and a plethora of single gals ready to party.

9. You might be a redneck if you say “cold beer” as if it’s one word.

8. You assumed Joey would choose Dawson, but were somehow relieved that she ended up with Pacey.

7. People who make up hypothetical rule changes to sports need to stop talking about sports and go back to playing magic cards.

6. Country Music Television (CMT) will play your music video if you wear a cowboy hat, even if your song is more of the “Pop” music persuasion.

5. No son of mine will ever wear Keds or Osh Kosh B’Gosh. Bowl cuts will also be prohibited.

4. I do not possess the proper equipment necessary to scientifically determine who sucks harder – Color Me Badd or All-4-One.

3. It’s acceptable for a true NCAA basketball fan to shed a tear during “One Shining Moment.”

2. Your entire wardrobe should not come from Foot Locker. Enough already with the mesh hats and retro jerseys.

1. No matter how perfect you think your sideburns are, Brandon Walsh’s sideburns wipe their ass with your sideburns.

Ramblings

• I do not have Winter Olympics fever. I don't think I can name any U.S. Olympians other than Shaun White, Lindsay Vonn, and Bode Miller. I don't want to say there are no great athletes in Vancouver, but if curling is a sport then so is sweeping your kitchen. One curler from Canada is pregnant. Currently pregnant! Name one other sport where you can compete at the highest level on an international stage while you're pregnant.

• I haven't watched MTV in 2010. It hasn't been nearly as difficult as I expected to go cold turkey. If "Jersey Shore" is the best MTV has to offer, I think this temporary self-ban on the network could easily turn into a permanent life decision. I don't get the fascination with "Jersey Shore" -- why bring them back for a second season and how is it possible that they have any leverage in negotiations? They are getting $180,00 each next season. Seriously? I think they would have accepted free rent, a fridge full of PBR, and unlimited meatball subs at Jersey Mike's. What else would they do? Go back to living at home and working at Gadzooks? Now they are trying to capitalize on their fame -- apparently "The Situation" wants to launch a cologne that smells like money. That might be the worst idea since Michael Jordan sold a cologne that smelled like sweat.

• John Mayer should stop Tweeting and giving public interviews immediately.

• "Friday Night Lights" finished up its fourth season on DirecTV last week. I don't want spoil the storylines for those of you waiting to watch on NBC -- I will say it was a very good season. In honor of the finale, enjoy 5 minutes of Tim Riggins quotes (from all seasons).

• This dunk by rookie DeMar DeRozan was the best of the night, but the 2010 Dunk Contest was the weakest in five or six years.

• Best Super Bowl commercial: E-Trade milkaholic

• UVa basketball has had more lowlights than highlights over the last few years, but Louis Farrakhan's grandson gave us something to cheer about last week. I think everyone in the building expected the guard to go for a layup on this one.

• Check out this trailer for a mockumentary about the world of Rock, Paper, Scissors tournaments.

Screech Needs Money

Dustin Diamond, who played Screech on 'Saved By the Bell" and then disappeared until his appearance on "Celebrity Fit Club" in 2007, has written a tell-all book about his time at Bayside High. Read the story below and then I'll provide my thoughts on Screech's revelations.

http://www.11points.com/TV/11_Most_Scandalous_Saved_by_the_Bell_Revelations_in_Screech%27s_Autobiography

1. Why did Screech wait until now to make these claims? A: He is broke, desperate, and a complete asshole.

2. Why did Screech only name one of the 2000 women that he allegedly slept with? A: She's was a person of power and now she's dead and cannot refute his claim.

3. Is it possible that Zack used steroids before The College Years? A: Yes, Zack got ripped before The College Years. Although I think Screech is generally full of shit, this allegation has a Jose Canseco feel to it -- sleazy but somehow a little bit credible. Maybe Screech was the Canseco to Zack's Mark McGwire (in other words, injected him in the ass with steroids).

4. Is it possible that Neil Patrick Harris "got gay" with Ed Alonzo (owner of The Max)? A: I'm not sure what "getting gay" means, but I know that Ed Alonzo and NPH are best friends. NPH would have been a teenager in the early 90s and was not openly gay at that time. Screech probably saw the "Top Chef" episode with NPH and Max and decided to throw some more dirt into the book. I call bullshit on this one.

5. Why does Screech hate on Kelly Kapowski more than anyone else? A: Obviously, he is bitter and jealous that she slept with every guy on the show except for him. There's other fish in the sea, Screech. 2000 other fish.

6. Do I believe that A.C. Slater raped a girl? A: This a tough one because there is an actual news story from 1993. The writer from 11 Points made a good point -- if a celebrity was accused of date rape today, it would be all over the Internet. Back then, the story was not very widespread. I just don't think Slater would rape anyone, particularly in his parents' guest house.

7. Who did Screech leave out of the book? A: Screech obviously loves Mr. Belding, Miss Bliss, and Tori.

8. It is possible that Screech picked up girls at Disneyland? A: Maybe an occasional awkward make-out session on the tea cups. I don't care how dark it gets on Space Mountain -- there's no way Screech was scoring.

9. Why was Peter Engel meeting with Zack and Kelly behind closed doors? A: Probably because they were the stars of the show. I hate to break it to you Screech, but you were a supporting character. Your role was to be a goofy loser, and you didn't need to be a good actor to pull it off. I absolutely do NOT believe that the genius that is Peter Engel (executive producer of SBTB, California Dreams, and Hang Time) had a bisexual threesome with Zack and Kelly.

10. Will I buy this book? A: No. Probably not. Maybe.

Ramblings

• I recently bought a Blackberry, and I must say that it has been a life-changing experience. Receiving emails, checking sports scores, and playing the Cash Cab app are all great features of the Blackberry, but by far the best feature of my new phone is Blackberry Messenger (BBM). Remember the summer of 1998 (aka Crazy Summer '98) when you spent hours on the family desktop on AOL instant messenger? Well, so do I. And now, thanks to BBM, I am reliving that feeling. It's more efficient than texting, but BBM is not a novel idea. It basically is IM for your phone -- I'm not sure why it took so long to come up with this feature. You have a list of contacts -- similar to AOL's buddy list. You can tell if the contact has received your message. You can also deny someone from being a contact -- kind of like that guy in high school whose buddy invitation you declined more than once. So, if you have a Blackberry, BBM me sometime (I would give my PIN but I don't really want to publish that on the internet). If you don't have a Blackberry, hit me up on my AOL Instant Messenger handle Chop6789. Sike.

• I think it's time to acknowledge that Peyton Manning is a better quarterback than Tom Brady. Yes, Brady has three Super Bowl rings, but that doesn't make him a better quarterback. It's like the Dan Marino - Joe Montana debate. There is no question that Marino was a better quarterback, but Montana has the championships and that makes him a better quarterback in the minds of a lot of people. Manning has one Super Bowl (and potentially a second this season), 50,000 career passing yards, 366 touchdowns, 10 Pro Bowls, 5 first team All-Pro selections, and 4 MVPs. By comparison, Brady has three Super Bowl wins, 30,000 career passing yards, 225 TDs, 5 Pro Bowls, 1 first team All-Pro selection, and 1 MVP. Brady has played two less seasons than Manning, but I don't think he will throw for 20,000 yards and 150 TDs over the span of two seasons. Although Manning is a media darling, most football experts have placed Brady ahead of Manning when ranking the best quarterbacks of all-time. That trend seemed to change two years ago when the Patriots lost to the Giants in the Super Bowl -- suddenly, Brady wasn't invincible in big games. Then last season, Brady hurt his knee in the first game and missed the entire season. This season, Brady was healthy and played well, but his team (despite making the playoffs) wasn't as dominant as it has been in recent years. Meanwhile, the Colts cruised through the regular season and Manning had another outstanding season. For the last decade, I have defended Manning over Brady is the debate about the best quarterback in the league. With the Patriots having less team success, it is becoming clear to everyone else that Manning is by far the best player of this era.

• NBC has become a complete joke. Conan O'Brien is by far the funniest person in late-night television and Jay Leno is by far the least funny person in late-night television (yes, I'm including Jimmy Fallon and Carson Daly on that list). I really hope that FOX picks up Conan and puts his show at 11:35 to compete against Leno and Letterman. I encourage everyone to watch Conan this week (supposedly his last week as host of The Tonight Show) -- he has been ripping NBC during his monologues ever since NBC announced that they would move Leno to 11:35. Unless NBC and Conan miraculously reconcile this week, I think Conan's last week of shows will be memorable. It blows my mind that NBC (1) thought Leno would work at 10 pm (instead of showing scripted dramas or Dateline) and (2) thought canceling Leno's 10 pm show and bringing him back to The Tonight Show was the best solution. Maybe's that why NBC is last in the ratings.

• Alabama is a well-deserving national champion in college football. You could argue that the BCS worked this season because Alabama beat arguably the second and third-best teams in the nation (Texas and Florida). However, you could also argue that the BCS failed because we have two undefeated teams. Who wouldn't want to see Alabama vs. Boise State now? Next year, Boise State plays Virginia Tech in the regular season on a neutral field -- if they go undefeated again, they deserve a shot at the BCS title game. If there are two undefeated teams from power conferences, they probably won't get it.

• College basketball is my favorite sport and now that the college football season is over, I can focus on hoops. Things seem more wide open than usual this season -- there are a handful of elite teams, but more "bubble" teams than I can ever recall. My hometown William & Mary Tribe looks poised to make its first ever NCAA tournament appearance after wins over Maryland, Wake Forest, and Richmond. The ACC has not been as good as advertised, but is pretty solid top to bottom. I would rank the conference third behind the Big East and Big 12 right now. Here are my ACC power rankings after a few conference games:

1) Duke - Not enough size to make a deep run in March.

2) Clemson - Needs to protect second half leads.

3) Georgia Tech - Young but talented team with good size.

4) UNC - Already has 6 losses but could easily win the conference.

5) Florida State - Similar to GT but not as talented (despite beating GT last month).

6) Wake Forest - Aminu is an ACC Player of the Year candidate.

7) Virginia - 3-0 in conference play thanks to improved defense.

8) Virginia Tech - Needs a healthy Malcolm Delaney.

9) Maryland - 8th-year senior Vasquez could lead Terps to NCAA bid.

10) Miami - Weak non-conference schedule and no Jack McClinton.

11) Boston College - Has lost four of its last five games.

12) N.C. State - Capable of upsetting most teams in the league.

• Until further notice, I am not watching MTV. I only needed to see 15 minutes of "Jersey Shore" to be completely embarrassed about the state of MTV's programming. I should mention that I watch a lot of trashy reality TV. I have watched "The Real World" since 1993. I have seen LC grow up before my very eyes. Tila Tequila's show was insulting to reality TV, but I kept with the network despite the fact that it aired a bi-sexual version of "The Bachelorette." Now, "Jersey Shore" is certainly not more offensive than Tila Tequila's show, but I have been looking for a reason to break all ties with MTV. I don't get the point of "Jersey Shore." I always thought the whole point of "The Real World" was to put 7 or 8 strangers from different backgrounds into a house with no TV and see how they interact. Why put 7 meatheads from new Jersey (which includes the girls) that are exactly the same into a house together? I can't promise I won't return to MTV for the next Real World / Road Rules challenge, but for now I am done.

• Former UVa head football coach Al Groh has been hired as the Georgia Tech defensive coordinator. It seems like a strange move to me. Groh is 65 years old and has not been a college assistant since 1988. I figured he would take a coordinator position in the NFL or take a year off from coaching and get a head coaching job at a lower tier FBS college in 2011. It is a good hire for Georgia Tech -- Groh knows defense, he is familiar with the conference and division, and as a coordinator he won't have to recruit or deal with the media very much (his biggest weaknesses). From Groh's perspective, I am surprised he would take a college job over a pro job. He was apparently offered the defensive coordinator job for the Miami Dolphins (where his old friend and mentor Bill Parcells is in the front office), but he turned it down for the Georgia Tech job. Either Groh does not get along with Miami Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano or he wants to rub it in UVa's face next season. As a UVa fan, Groh doesn't need to prove to me that he can coach defense. I know he can. He needs to prove to me that he can recruit, hire the right people, and execute a game plan. I know he can't.

• Jennifer Love Hewitt has always seemed like a quiet, reserved girl. And maybe she is. But prepare yourself for a WTF moment in the last minute of this interview with George Lopez.

• "Southland" premiered on TNT last week (since NBC canceled it to move Leno to 10 PM -- nice move). TNT is replaying season one of the show (only 7 episodes) before airing new episodes. I highly recommend checking out the show if you've never seen it. If you saw last season, the new episodes start in March. The show is on Tuesdays at 10 PM.

Ramblings

• Happy Holidays to you and yours. Peppermint bark...ain't nothing wrong with that!

• I really, really like lists, and even I am sick of every website making dozens of "best of the decade" lists. So, as badly as I want to, I will refrain from listing my top 10 movies, albums, athletes, commercials, books, and bad UVa football coaches of the decade.

• In my opinion, Texas is the best college basketball team in the nation right now. It is crazy that Kevin Durant AND D.J. Augustin could still be there now. If they had stayed in school, both of them would be seniors. Similarly, Ohio State is a borderline top 25 team and they could still have Greg Oden, Mike Conley, Daequan Cook, Kosta Koufos, and B.J. Mullens. I am glad that the NBA at least imposed an age requirement, but I am such a college basketball purist that I wish more guys would stay four years.

• I don't know if I'm more scared or excited about what technology will come out in the next decade. In 1999, words and phrases like Blackberry, HDTV, DVR, Blu-ray, tweet, GPS, and Wii meant nothing to me. For all we know, we might be driving flying cars (like in "Back to the Future II") in 2019. More likely, we'll have a gadget (like a Blackberry) that is our phone, computer, TV, mp3 player, and several others things that I can't even fathom. Our kids will think the current iPods and laptops are complete jokes.

• I think the Tiger Woods story is far from over. There is more to this story. When the report first came out about the accident, my first reaction was shock immediately followed by concern about his health (news stations irresponsibly reported that he was in serious condition). Once I realized that it was a one-car accident outside his driveway, it seemed odd but it was a relief that he was not seriously injured. I thought some logical explanation would surface and that would be the end of it. Then I found out the accident was at 2:30 a.m. and I knew something bad had happened -- the only reasons a married man leaves his house at 2:30 a.m. are 1) he's drunk, 2) he's been in a domestic dispute, 3) he's meeting another woman, or 4) he's buying drugs. None of the above seemed to fit Tiger. His wife breaking the rear window with a golf club to help get him out just doesn't sit well with me -- he's in the front seat and he weighs about 200 pounds. I think she hit the back windshield before the wreck. But I digress. Obviously, even after all this came out, I was still shocked that Tiger had 10-15 women on the side. I would've been less shocked to learn that Tiger was taking performance-enhancing drugs. Now, I wouldn't be shocked at all if that comes to light as well.

• As this decade comes to an end, it made me realize that this decade has produced the worst music since the 1950s. Sure, there have been some good things to come out this decade (mostly in the alty rock genre), but even the 80s had more good music than the 2000s. If I had to rank the last 5 decades in terms of the music that came out in each respective decade, the list would be as follows: 1) 70s, 2) 90s, 3) 60s, 4) 80s, 5) 2000s. Yes, the early rock and doo wop groups of the 60s and the hair bands of the 80s have more staying power than the collection of music produced in the last ten years. On the positive side, John Mayer has gotten less douchy as the decade has gone by. I think the less he tried to get laid, the better his guitar skills got and the better his songs got. Having said that, he is still a douche (and still getting laid a lot more than he should).

• The BCS system worked about as well as it could possibly work this year, but it still sucks. I think the two best teams (Alabama and Texas) are playing for the title and I am glad to see undefeated Cincinnati play Florida, but there are five undefeated teams. Why have Boise and TCU play each other? I'd rather see, for example, Georgia Tech vs. TCU and Penn St. (not Iowa) vs. Boise St. The we could see how good Boise and TCU really are. Of course, it would be possible to end up with four undefeated teams if we did that, but we could also end up with just one. With the current matchups, we will end up with at least two undefeated teams. This year would be perfect for an 8-team playoff. There would be some controversy about who would get the last two spots, but that's better than having controversy about the BCS title game. We could still have the other meaningless bowls so schools and conferences would still make the same amount of money -- we would just add 3 games (semifinals and final). We would play the quaterfinals before Christmas, the semifinals around New Year's Day, and the title game around January 7 or 8 (as it is now). Thus, looking at the teams in my hypothetical playoff, the matchups would be as follows: 1) Alabama vs. 8) Oregon, 2) Texas vs. 7) Ohio State, 3) Cincinnati vs. 6) Florida, 4) TCU vs. 5) Boise St. Georgia Tech gets "screwed" in my hypothetical - but when you lose to a mediocre Georgia team in the season finale, you should fall to the Chick-Fil-A Bowl. I realize that TCU and Boise would still be playing each other, but then the winner would earn the right to play Alabama in the semifinals. Thus, if we play it all out, the semifinals would likely be 1) Alabama vs. 4) TCU and 2) Texas vs. 6) Florida. We would likely get the same Texas-Alabama title game that we already have, but it would be more interesting and less controversial. Again, I'm not saying it is that controversial this year, but the BCS just got lucky this year.

• If you've never seen the TV show "Damages," do yourself a favor and rent (or check out from the public library) seasons 1 and 2 as soon as possible. Season 3 begins January 25 on fX so you have time to catch up. It is easily one of the five best legal dramas of my lifetime -- I'd argue it's the best. Unlike most law dramas, a murder case doesn't get set for trial the same episode as the murder itself. If the pilot episode doesn't suck you in, then the show probably isn't for you.

• Check out this funny song from Jason Segal of "How I Met Your Mother" and "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" fame.

Reverse Mailbag

BDF had a good idea that instead of always answering readers' mailbag questions, I should ask a few random questions. These are real questions from me answered by actual readers.

Q: If you could be a siamese twin with any celebrity, who would it be and why?

Hunter R., Greenville, SC: Great question. The expected response from any male presented with this question would be to name some movie-star stud, like Brad Pitt, or anyone else that gets laid upon command, and claim their reason for being “attached at the hip” would be to enjoy the table scraps. Just think: every hook up would count as a three-some. But, that’s a boring answer.

This easiest way to answer this question is by process of elimination. For my Siamese twin, I would have to choose someone that is a) of the same sex; b) of the same sexual orientation; c) of the same race; and d) someone that is more enjoyable than annoying. Obviously, that would exclude all female celebs, all gay/bisexual celebs, all non-white celebs, and Dane Cook (note: I hated to exclude all females and non-whites, but the question would be difficult because I don’t know what it is like to be anything but a white boy). Next, understanding the difficulties of Siamese-coordination, I would have to eliminate all athletes and musicians (except for pianist and drummers- which would be cool by the way). Ultimately, this question becomes: Which celebrity do you feel is most like yourself?

CC, this is one of those really deep, introspective and self-examining questions that tells you more about yourself than anything else. I say this because if you were a Siamese twin you would be permanently connected to that person forever (assuming advanced medicine cannot separate the two of you). You would spend 100% of your time, asleep and awake, with the same person. This question is not too much different from your previous mailbag when you decided the one T.V. channel you would watch if you were trapped in a dungeon and limited to one TV station- in the long run you would prefer something dynamic (like TBS) versus something static (like ESPN).

In that sense, my answer is Paul Newman. Besides being a great actor and film director, Mr. Newman had a military background, loved auto racing and cars, he was very resourceful, he had a politically left-leaning mind, married a girl from Greenville, South Carolina, and became one of the world’s most well-respected, successful and philanthropic persons of his generation. He was truly a Renaissance Man. Now, I am not saying that I am any of these things, but that sure sounds like someone I would like to be connected to.

Q: After watching "Teen Wolf" and "Teen Wolf Too," no one could question that Michael J. Fox was a better actor than Jason Bateman. Now, looking back at each man's body of work, who has had the better career?

Dave F., Richmond, VA: Tough question. JB was great in Arrested Development, which is one of my favorite shows of all time. He was also very good in Juno and Extract. MJF carried Family Ties as the show's breakout character. This role lead him to starring roles in the Back to the Future trilogy, The Secret of My Success, Bright Lights Big City, Casualties of War & Doc Hollywood. MJF was easily one of the biggest media stars of the late 80's. MJF also starred in the 90's hit Spin City. I don't think JB has achieved the critical praises equal to MJF. Based on that and my personal opinion, I'd have to say MJF has had a better career. Unfortunately Parkinson's cut MJF's career a little short. JB is just starting to get major roles in film and TV. I think this question might need to be readdressed in 10 years.

Q: In light of the new Richmond minor league baseball team choosing the questionable name of "The Flying Squirrels," I'd like you to imagine that you are the new owner of a minor league team in Anytown, USA. What's your mascot? What major league team are you affiliated with? What promotions would you try to attract interest in the new team?

Hunter R., Greenville, SC: I have to admit that choosing a nickname from scratch is really difficult. No wonder so many franchises put this question to a vote. Here are a couple approving and disapproving thoughts about sports teams’ nicknames:

1) Be creative, but don’t insist on having unique name: There are 46 college teams named the “Tigers.” LSU is yellow and purple; Clemson is orange and white; Princeton is orange and black. They have the same name, but the traditions built around them are quite different. There is nothing wrong in going with Tigers over something ridiculous like UC-Santa Cruz “Banana Slugs.”

2) If you have to be unique, then choose a sensible name that has a local interest: Think, Pittsburgh Steelers / Green Bay Packers. Two of the all-time greats. It’s not that hard. Before Greenville Braves, and before my hometown went crazy with unique names, we had the Greenville Spinners (named such because, at the time, we were the textile capital of the world). There is absolutely no reason that Richmond should have a team nicknamed the Flying Squirrels.

- Quick sidebar: Should your team move to a new town, please, for the love of the Pete, give up your nickname. I hate the Utah Jazz and the LA Lakers. It is just complete and utter nonsense.

3) Stick with a noun. No verbs, adverbs, onomonopia. Use adjectives sparingly. Since the Greenville Braves left town, we have seen a slew of gawd-awful names that violate this rule. The Greenville Grrrowl (official spelling), Greenville Groove, Greenville Drive. Eeek.

4) Remember that your team mascot can be different from your nickname: The Phoenix Suns are a great example here. Instead of trying to personify a ball of fire, they put a gorilla in a team uniform and gave him a trampoline. Everyone, to this day, including me, loves that gorilla. Problem solved.

Using these four easy steps, I have come up with the Greenville Cherokees. “Gee Cee,” for short, seems to roll off the tongue well, and the initials would look good on a ballcap. Obviously, we would be affiliated with the Atlanta Braves. Being in close proximity to the Atlanta team would give the hometown people incentive to cheer for the rising stars of their favorite MLB club. Team colors would stay pretty much the same, so no one would be forced into buying team apparel that doesn’t coordinate. Also, we would get to retain the use of the “tomahawk chop,” a cornerstone of the franchise. I love team mascots that find a way to incorporate hand-signals to show fan allegiance. When you ask someone in Texas or Florida “who do you cheer for?” they simply give you the Hook’em Horns or the Gator Chomp. Enough said. The same goes for the tomahawk chop and Braves fans.

Finally, as for the promotions for my new ball club, I would make the Greenville Cherokees the first franchise that has people take the First Bat. Instead of inviting honored guests to throw out the First Pitch, I would give them a bat and let them take three swings. Think about it: Fans would come early to see celebrities take a few cuts; every time someone strikes-out or hits a homerun ESPN would run non-stop highlights; local sportstalk radio would analyze every hit the next day; and inevitably there will be several legendary hits and one corked-bat scandal. The upside to such a promo would have no ceiling.

Q: If you were given the power to rewrite any TV show that you thought had potential but wasn't quite good enough to be called a classic, which show would you change and what would you make different?

Karen R., Columbia, SC: An interesting question because there are so many reasons a show either dies outright or fails to become a classic. And because it forces me to admit I watch way too much TV.

First, you have the category of shows that are – on their face – such colossally bad ideas that it boggles the mind they ever got made. No amount of brilliant acting, writing, or direction will save them. Shows like Small Wonder – a little robot girl who lives in a cabinet in the inventor’s home and has wacky misadventures with the inventor’s flamingly gay young son. Or Manimal – a college professor who can turn into any number of animals in an effort to fight crime. Seriously. And who can forget Homeboys in Outer Space – thank you UPN for green-lighting the idea of putting two young brothers in space and having them fly around in the Space Hoopty, looking for action. The underlying concepts of these shows are so bad, I don’t think they can be rehabbed.

Second, you’ve got shows with a great concept but poor execution. Invasion – this show had it all. Alien/human hybrids! Government conspiracies! The strange but inexplicably hot William Fitchner! But the show attempted to imitate Lost with vague mysteries and “this means something, this is important” pronouncements and got bogged down. But this category’s poster child is Party of Five. Hands down. Man, I could go on and on about the wasted potential of the show about 5 orphans and their struggles after their parents’ sudden death. Sure, the premise is depressing. But it had good roster of actors, all of whom are pretty likeable (except for the later addition of Jennifer Love Hewitt). And it was on Fox during the same period as BH 9’er, so there was potential to have issue-of-the-week stories handled without losing the show’s lightness. Boy, did that not happen. That show got dark. DARK. Charlie’s a womanizer (who later gets cancer). Bailey’s a drunk. Julia gets the snot beat out of her by her boyfriend. Claudia’s anxiety lead to her sleeping in a tent in the dining room for at least an entire season. Owen ends up as the object of a bitter custody battle between Charlie-the-cancer-survivor-and-reformed-womanizer and Bailey-the-reformed-drunk. Jesus.

Then you have shows that are brilliant in idea and execution. And the network steps in and smothers the show in its sleep. Usually through the lethal combination of poor/ever-changing timeslots and shoddy promotion. Fox is legendary in this regard. They axed shows like Kitchen Confidential, Firefly, Keen Eddie, and Arrested Development for no reason – other than that they wanted more time for crap like Idol. But Fox is not alone – NBC killed Freaks and Geeks, CW offed Veronica Mars, and CBS murdered Pushing Daisies. These shows will never become traditional classics, but they all totally rule so I won’t touch them. But you guys should totes check them out on Hulu.

And you have the category of shows that had an interesting premise and promising first couple of seasons, then took a wrong turn and ended up unwatchable. Heroes is a huge offender in this category – great concept, good actors, interesting characters. Then they introduced so many new characters, motivations, and conspiracies that the show lost focus. And, as much as it pains me to write this, Alias also sort of fits in this category. The first, second, and (parts of) the fifth seasons were fantastic but seasons three and four were almost unbearable. Too much Vaughn, no more Will, less ass-kicking, more angsty weeping, and entirely TOO MUCH focus on Rambaldi. But the shows in this category have such strong roots, I wouldn’t want to trash them and start from scratch.

Which leads me to the show I’ve chosen to gut and re-do. NCIS. I know! Its successful and spawned a spin-off starring Mr. James Smith, whom the ladies love. But. You guys? Have you ever watched this show? It is awful. I recently spent the better part of a day watching an NCIS marathon on USA. Listen, I was sick and had misplaced the remote. Little did I know that after I put it on USA and fell onto the couch, I’d be too ill to get up and change the channel. If I had known, I’d have chosen an all-day marathon of those toddler beauty pageant documentaries that freak me out.

NCIS was a great idea for a procedural-type show. It would center on the unique cases arising in the military system. And it would focus on the crime-solving aspect of procedurals instead of the legal issues. Which would avoid the courtroom yawn-fest that dragged down JAG (which had its own problems – what do you mean the Navy is not actually riddled with lawyers that are also combat pilots?). Aaaaand then the concept is trashed by lazy writing. Mark Harmon plays the boss, Gibbs. I find Mark Harmon to be pretty likeable. I mean, have you seen Summer School? With Chainsaw and Dave? And an almost unrecognizable Kirstie Alley? But Gibbs is a humorless, insufferable, self- righteous character who is always right. This makes for boring TV, people. Why bother with an investigation? When Gibbs pegs Mr. X as the villain by minute 3, just go ahead and arrest him. The overgrown frat boy named Tony (played by Michael Weatherly, who was the dreamy Logan character on Dark Angel) is supposed to be a great investigator, but he appears to be around for no other reason than to make rude comments to his coworkers about their personal lives. Oh, and to make a series of film references. Then there’s Ziva who is apparently on loan to NCIS from Mossad. She’s supposed to be a trained assassin who speaks in stilted English (She doesn’t use contractions?! Like a robot?! How funny!). Also? We have exchange programs for assassins? And there’s the doughy McGee. He’s a computer nerd, so he’s clearly a social leper! He’s also capable of McGuyvering computer programs in 3 minutes with a kazoo and a walkie talkie. Abby the lab tech is qualified to test anything and everything that could ever be recovered from a crime scene. Come on! Even the dorks over at CSI have their specialties. Abby is written as being Goth – or at least what middle America would believe Goth to be – because she has black hair and tattoos. The interwebs have informed me that she also drives a hearse and has a coffin that she may or may not sleep in. Good grief. She is super-annoying, which is not helped by the fake techno music that usually plays in the background while she’s chirping about some test or other that she’ll run for her beloved Gibbs. And the doctor is a British dude who usually ends up telling some boring story or other in the course of reporting autopsy results. Like a less awesome Higgins.

I acknowledge I’m painting with broad strokes here – but this is the way these characters were written in every single episode that I saw on that long, long day. And the formula has worked well for the NCIS writing team – crime occurs, Gibbs grouses and there is talk of his gut instinct, Tony makes a snide comment, there is teasing of McGee about his nerdishness, Ziva makes a cultural faux pas, Abby bends the laws of God and man in arriving at some impossible scientific result, the doctor tells a boring story, and Gibbs is ultimately proven correct. Ta-dah! I have just written a skeleton for all future NCIS scripts. You’re welcome NCIS writing team. But America clearly loves procedurals – there’s no reason they have to be so damn boring and predictable. So my solution to this crapfest is pretty simple. The writers should get off their lazy asses and write the characters as characters and not caricatures. Let them be flawed. Let there be a surprise ending every once in a while.

Q: You are having a flag football draft from among Nickelodeon characters. You must select a quarterback, a center, a tight end, 2 wide receivers, and a running back. You will not compete with the team so don't take into consideration that you will play a certain position. No cartoons, only real characters (i.e., Hey Dude, Salute Your Shorts, Pete & Pete, etc.). Who's on your squad?

Travis C., Washington, DC: That's a good question, and a good opportunity for me to mention that I am currently in first place in my Fantasy Football League with a 9-1 record...No

Big Deal. I will approach this draft the same way and that is by starting with selecting a dynamic running back.

Running Back: Omar Gooding from "Wild and Crazy Kids"

It is no secret that he carried that show on his back and he will do the same for this team. Not to mention the fact that he went on to portray the crack-smoking All-Pro running back from the hit ESPN series "Playmakers". You can't fake talent like that, no matter how good an actor he may be.

Quarterback: This may come as a shock, but I am going with Telly Radford from "Salute Your Shorts"

Telly is a born leader and a natural athlete. Not only did she beat Scotty Rex for the Camp Anawanna Tennis Championship, but she was also the Coach and Captain of the Camp's basketball team, the Tigers, whom she led to victory in the Tournament finals against the Hurricanes. I have no doubt those skills will translate nicely onto the gridiron.

Center: Eddie "Donkeylips" Gelfen from "Salute Your Shorts"

This is a no brainer, he has a unique combination of size and fat. He has a bit of a mean streak so he won't be afraid to play dirty when needed and the fact that he spent his childhood summers at Camp with Telly means one thing for the two of them, thats right, CHEMISTRY, a crucial part of the relationship between a QB and Center.

Tight End: Open-Face from "Pete and Pete"

He seemed to be a bit bipolar with his hatred for the Petes and his love for Ellen so I think he can use those mood swings as a tight end that can get dirty in the trenches blocking, or roll out into the flat and delicately tip-toe the sideline while making a fingertip catch.

Wide Receiver: Ray Alvarado from "The Secret Life of Alex Mack"

Who can forget Alex Mack's friend and confidant Ray? He was the go-to guy on the hardwood and has great hand-eye coordination. Also, he was trusted with Alex's deepest secret and that signals to me that he is unselfish and a team player, I don't want any pre-madonna wide outs on this squad. Who knows, Alex may show up to a few games and use her powers to help a few balls find their way into his hands.

Wide Receiver: Artie from "Pete and Pete"

The strongest man...in the woooorld! Artie could skip rocks all the way to Neptune and ran the 40 in -3.2 seconds...thats not a typo, he ran so fast that time went backwards. His lung capacity is such that he once cleared all the debris out of the gutter on Pete's house by blowing, that means he won't be winded in the 4th quarter with 30 seconds left on the clock.

* Bonus: He already has a catch phrase, "Pipe!" , and a sweet pose for all the

touchdowns he will score.