The new season of "The Hills" started last night, and -- guess what -- nothing of consequence happened. Why do I watch this show? Why is my DVR set up to record every new episode? I wanted to come up with a list of 10 reasons why the show blows, and I easily came up with 20. I put about 10 minutes of thought into this list, and I am sure with more time I could come up with hundreds of reasons why no one should watch this program.
20) Spencer's flesh-colored beard.
19) Lo's personality.
18) Lauren's air of superiority.
17) Whitney's voice and the words that come out of her mouth.
16) 8-minute commercials.
15) Heidi's incessant complaining about her broken friendship with Lauren.
14) Justin Bobby's philosophical gibberish.
13) The everlasting tease of Brody and Lauren's relationship.
12) Heidi's music career.
11) The fact that these people are famous for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
10) The fact that Lauren eats every meal for free because MTV advertises the restaurant.
9) Watching Spencer sleep and watch TV is not compelling reality TV.
8) Audrina's delusion that she is a celebrity.
7) Heidi's delusion that her job is important.
6) The inability of Chop Culture to get a good read on She-Spencer (his sister) -- nice girl or manipulative bitch? I don't really care, but I'd like to know the truth.
5) Did I mention Lo's personality? Just making sure.
4) The fact that nothing exciting ever happens.
3) The fact that -- notwithstanding # 4 -- I still must watch every week.
2) The mere hypothetical thought of Heidi and Spencer's offspring.
1) The only thing worse than the acting is the writing (yes, it's scripted).
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