Mailbag

I want to thank everyone that sent me questions for the mailbag. I think this could be a recurring column for the blog. Keep the questions coming for future posts. I have questions from 8 readers from 5 different states at my disposal. These are actual emails from actual readers.

Q: If you were a pro baseball player, what song would you pick to play before your at-bat?

• Tony R., Baltimore, MD

Chop Culture: Check out this link to most major league players’ entrance songs:

http://armchairgm.wikia.com/List_of_baseball_entrance_music. You have to respect pitcher Luke Scott for coming out to the Star Wars theme – that really pumps up the crowd when there’s a call to the bullpen. Huston Street gets some street cred for choosing “Hate Me Now” by Nas. I think my entrance song would depend on whether I was a pitcher coming out from the bullpen or a batter. Relief pitchers have to pump up the crowd in a short amount of time. Batters just need a feel-good song before each at-bat. If I were a pitcher, I would either come out to The White Stripes’ “Blue Orchid” or ACDC’s “Thunderstruck” (props to John Smoltz although he no longer comes out of the bullpen). My entrance song before an at-bat would definitely be the 90210 theme song. Just kidding, but John E. Davis is a genius. My real at-bat song would be “Walk of Life” by Dire Straits – it’s a song that makes you want to eat some Cracker Jacks, drink a cold brew, and watch a ball game in the summer.

MY BASEBALL ENTRANCE SONG

Q: What five television characters (fictional only -- no spending eternity with Bill O'Reilly, Nancy Grace, Maury Povich, Ryan Seacrest, and Chris Berman) would you choose to be marooned with you on a desert island? And, since we're talking TV characters here, they can be real or animated.

• Karen R., West Columbia, SC

CC: First, I need to decide if any female characters will be on the island. If I only choose one or two women, the men will inevitably fight over her/them. If I invite no women, other obvious problems will arise. I think the island should be sans women – it will be a platonic 6-way bromance! It’s too bad I don’t watch “Lost” because some of those characters would come in handy on the island. Without further ado, I give you my deserted island:

1) Omar Little (“The Wire”) – Omar serves multiple purposes on the island. He is quite possibly the most badass character is the history of television. His shotgun will provide protection and make him a valuable hunter/gatherer. He will keep to himself (let’s hope so since he’s gay) and not ruffle any feathers. Since no one else on the island is a drug dealer, we have no fear of being robbed by him. If there are any native tribes on the island, Omar will fight them off while keeping a strict moral code.

2) Brandon Walsh (“BH9er”) - You saw this one coming, didn’t you? Brandon will serve as the voice of reason on the island. He will make all important decisions related to survival, entertainment, and sideburn-grooming. If we had cars on the island, he would take your keys when you’ve had too much to drink.

3) Barney Stinson (“How I Met Your Mother”) – Barney will provide comic relief, awesomeness, and a commitment to the Bro Code. He will class up the island by “suiting up” every day, even in the most humid of conditions. The character Doogie Howser, MD came dangerously close to making this list (we might need a licensed doctor on the island) – it would have created an interesting dynamic to see two Neil Patrick Harris characters interact on this hypothetical, bromantical island.

4) Bobby Budnick (“Salute Your Shorts”) – After two summers at Camp Anawanna, Budnick knows how to rough it. He will adjust accordingly to life on the island. Any of Budnick’s infamous attitude problems will be quickly resolved by Omar’s shotgun (watching Omar "awful waffle" Budnick would provide hours of entertainment). Budnick plays in a band called Roadkill so he can probably find interesting ways to hunt for food.

5) Coach Eric Taylor (“Friday Night Lights”) – Arguably the best coach in TV history. Coach Taylor will provide discipline, structure, and leadership. Even Brandon will defer to Coach Taylor’s infinite wisdom on important decisions. We will have daily two-a-days on the island. What else are we going to do? I will be QB1.

Barely missed the cut: Doogie Howser (too young), Seth Cohen (“The OC” – too chatty), Kramer (“Seinfeld” – too quirky), Brian Griffin (“Family Guy” – too drunk), Mr. Ernst (“Hey Dude” – too clutzy), GOB (“Arrested Development” – too much of a liability), MacGyver (too resourceful – we already have a coach and a voice of reason), Charlie Kelly (“It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” – too much of a wild card), Larry David (“Curb Your Enthusiasm” – too neurotic), and Magnum, P.I. (too obsessed with mustache rides).

Q: You're named GM of the Detroit Lions and given complete control. What are your first 5 moves?

• Dave F., Richmond, VA

CC: 1) Rent a house (don’t buy). 2) Draft QB Matthew Stafford with the #1 overall pick. It’s risky but it has to be done. 3) Draft defensive players and/or offensive linemen with the #20 and #33 overall picks. 4) Hire Barry Sanders as the running backs coach (player/coach?) and Herman Moore as the wide receivers coach. 5) The real new GM has a law degree so I’d make sure the contract has a generous signing bonus, a substantial buyout clause, and a sweet incentives package. Then, I’d get some clients in case this doesn’t work out. Go Lions!

Q: Do you think Friday Night Lights is the greatest TV series of all-time? I always looked at 90210 as the greatest show of all time because of my infatuation with teenage drama, love of bad ass male characters, and hot chicks. FNL has plenty of teenage drama, 2 bad ass characters (Riggins and Coach Taylor), and a plethora of hot chicks. Plus it is surrounded by football and leaves you feeling better about yourself when the show ends.

• Matt B., Morgantown, WV

CC: You may recall that I posted a blog about the 10 best TV shows of my lifetime on March 8, 2008. At that time, I had never seen “Friday Night Lights.” Fortunately, I got on board soon after with the DVDs. FNL would not qualify for my list yet because it is not on permanent hiatus (just got renewed for two more seasons). I don’t usually like to speculate about the significance of a TV show before the series is complete (like when I said “The OC” will ultimately be better than “90210”). However, I can confidently predict that FNL will end up as one of my five favorite shows of all-time. I highly doubt that it will ever pass “Seinfeld” or “The Wire,” but it is gaining on “90210” (my current #3 show of my lifetime). The show is at a critical crossroads right now. In what direction will next season go? Most of the current characters are about to graduate. Some great characters from the past seasons have already been written off the show. No one wants to see them pull a “90210” with all the characters going to the same college. No one wants to see Coach Taylor take a college head coaching job. But can the show survive with all new high school characters? Replacing Riggins and Saracen would be like replacing Dylan McKay and Brandon Walsh (which “90210” unsuccessfully tried to do). Even now, it’s not quite the same without Street and Smash. I’ll be interested to see what the writers do. For now, I’ll enjoy watching one of the ten best shows of my lifetime. Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose!

Q: What is your Mount Rushmore of fast-food menu items? I am going with: the Whopper from Burger King, Chick-Fil-a chicken sandwich, McDonald’s fries, and KFC’s Triple Crunch Zinger.

• Hunter R., Greenville, SC

CC: I think this is a very subjective question, but I think there is a general consensus. My top four fast food items are as follows: Chick-Fil-A chicken sandwich, McDonald’s fries, Burger King original chicken sandwich (known as “long pollo” in Spain), and Arby’s beef n’ cheddar. The beef n’ cheddar, the long pollo, and the triple crunch zinger are all good, but none of them would make the national general consensus Mount Rushmore of fast food. I would argue that the Hardees Thickburger is the best burger in fast food (Padma from “Top Chef” agrees), but it is hardly the most popular. I would also assert that the Crunchwrap Supreme is a little piece of heaven when I make a run for the border, but it might not even make the Mount Rushmore of Taco Bell. The Frosty at Wendy’s is an old stand-by on the value menu, the Dairy Queen Blizzard is outstanding, and SONIC has delicious limeade, but most people don’t go to fast food restaurants for desserts or beverages. Some great fast food joints are regional – i.e., Jack in the Box, In-n-Out Burger, Bojangles, Zaxby’s, etc. – and so they are not widespread enough to make the list. So, with all that being said, the national standard Mount Rushmore of fast food is as follows (in order of popularity): 1) McDonald’s fries, 2) McDonald’s Big Mac, 3) Burger King Whopper, and 4) Chick-Fil-A chicken sandwich (I realize Chick-Fil-A is regional but people go out of their way to the mall food court or to go when they’re in a city that has one).

Q: Assuming the nickname of Chop and all its glory was unavailable, what would be your self-imposed nickname?

• Michelle P., Columbia, SC

CC: First of all, I don’t think anyone should ever give himself his own nickname. Secondly, nicknames not related to your name (initials or shortened version your last name) usually suck. I know people nicknamed Head, Cheese (from Wisconsin), Salty (looks like Mr. Salty Pretzel Man), Slim (fat), Porkchop, Dirty, and Doughboy. I’ll pass on all of those names, although Chop obviously originated from Porkchop. If I had to pick my own nickname, it would be either my former deejay name – the original DJ Scribble – or my AND1 Mixtape name – Skip 2 My Jew.

Q: How do you think Tyler Hansbrough will fare as a pro? Is he a white Emeka Okafor (decent pro, but not spectacular), a white DeSagana Diop (flop), or something in between? I think it's safe to say he'll never be a star.

• Tony R., Baltimore, MD

CC: Many fans and so-called experts spent too much time discussing Hansbrough’s NBA potential this season instead of enjoying his play. He was a GREAT college basketball player. I would go as far as to say he is a top 20 college basketball player of all-time. He is a top 5 ACC player of all-time. As a UVa fan, I am glad to see him finally graduate. It is difficult to predict how good he will be at the next level. I don’t think Okafor or Diop are good comparisons, although I think he will be about as spectacular (or unspectacular) as Okafor. I see Hansbrough more like David Lee and Jason Maxiell, but with a little more offensive firepower. Lee is quietly averaging 16 and 12 for the Knicks this season. Hansbrough is a stronger, more polished, more talented version of Joakim Noah. Hansbrough will play hard, rebound, score when necessary, and be a great practice player. Colin Cowherd made a bet with his producer and will do a show in his boxers if Hansbrough EVER scores 20 points in an NBA game – I predict Cowherd will lose that bet before the All-Star break of Hansbrough’s rookie season. Hansbrough would fit in well with a playoff team – if he is still on the draft board around picks 20-25, a team would be crazy to pass on him for an unproven player with more “upside.” He can be a solid 12 point, 8 rebound guy. He will eventually be a starter in the NBA. He will be in the league for 10-12 years. However, in my opinion, he will never be an NBA All-Star.

Q: Who would be your most entertaining 7-person Real World dream cast (of prior cast members only) and in which of the various cities would it be located? Things to consider regarding location: where did they vacation that year and what job/volunteering/activity did they have to participate in (if any)? Things to consider regarding cast: looking for the most entertaining possible mix of people. Maybe that means shocking. Maybe that means poignant. Maybe that means relatively intelligent. Maybe that means drunk and slutty. Defend your choices.

• Karen R., West Columbia, SC

CC: There are 155 former “Real World” cast members to choose from, yet I think I would have trouble picking seven that I like. So, I’ll just pick seven that will be entertaining.

1) Ace (Paris): He is probably my favorite RW alum. He is laid back and just wants everyone to like him. As long as he is “Ace on 9,” I’m pretty sure everyone will.

2) Syrus (Boston): He is a playa. When his cast worked at a youth center, he got in trouble for dating one kid’s mom. He always had ladies with him around the house. Will he make the other guys go out looking for girls? Will the female roommates get jealous?

3) Puck (San Francisco): Puck will be Puck. How will the other roommates react to his behavior and lifestyle? There won’t be any gay, HIV-positive Cuban guys in the house so maybe Puck can play nice.

4) Brad (San Diego): Brad has some meathead in him, but he also has a good head on his shoulders. He means well. He has learned from his nights in the drunk tank, but we can still count on him for some antics at the bar.

5) Mallory (Paris): Mallory is arguably the best-looking RW girl ever. She briefly dated Ace so it will be interesting to see how they interact. Rekindle the old flame or me so awkward? She was too camera-shy the first time around – maybe now she will come out of her shell.

6) Ruthie (Hawaii): Ruthie is one of the coolest people in RW history. I’m not sure if she likes guys or girls and I don’t know if her alcohol problem has been resolved, but I do know she will be entertaining.

7) Trishelle (Las Vegas): She is slutty and absent-minded. She is annoying at times, but not as intolerable as most slutty RW girls. Will she go after Ace or Brad? Or both? Will she feud with Mallory over Ace?

I would put my cast in San Diego. San Diego is one of the most desirable of the 20 RW locations, and that cast took group trips to Mexico and the Greek Isles. The RW house was 5000 square feet, with beach volleyball and basketball courts outside. That cast also worked on sailboats so they get to work on the water in awesome California weather. Will anyone throw Puck off the boat? As an aside, “Come on By My Baby Tonight” by David from New Orleans will be the theme song of my season.

Q: Bill Simmons recently said April is the best sports month - Final Four, Masters, Wrestlemania, NHL and NBA playoffs, and MLB opening day. I totally disagree - I say it's November in a cake walk - college football (including rivalry games), NFL, NBA, NHL, Preseason NIT & Maui Invitational college basketball. What is your pick for best sports month?

• Dave F., Richmond, VA

CC: March. I don’t think I need to elaborate.

Q: How can CD infomercials, like The Best of The 80's, "guarantee" you hits? Being a hit, in my opinion, is subjective and should not be used as leverage for advertisement of these cheap and worthless CD's. I, for one, am tired of the government, Wendy's, and now The Best of the 80's making promises that their congressmen, "biggie fries," and hits cannot keep.

• Travis H., Charlottesville, VA

CC: That was more of a comment than a question, but I appreciate your passion. I feel like your animosity towards infomercials and guarantees stems from your personal struggle with acne. The kids at school called you “Pizza Face” and I know it hurt. I know Proactiv guaranteed you results. I think “Tommy Boy” explained empty guarantees better than I can:

Tommy: Let's think about this for a sec, Ted, why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.
Ted Nelson, Customer: Go on, I'm listening.
Tommy: Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty inside.
Tom Nelson, Customer: Yeah, makes a man feel good.
Tommy: 'Course it does. Why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?
[chuckles until he sees that Ted is not laughing too]
Ted Nelson, Customer: [impatiently] What's your point?
Tommy: The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy; well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser, and your daughter's knocked up. I seen it a hundred times.
Ted Nelson, Customer: But why do they put a guarantee on the box?
Tommy: Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.
Ted Nelson, Customer: [pause] Okay, I'll buy from you.
Tommy: Well, that's...
Tommy, Richard: ...What?

Q: If you could be Coach Caccetta for a day, what sport would you play in P.E. class? Or, would you choose to teach driver's ed?

• Linda V., Williamsburg, VA

CC: For those of you that don’t hail from Williamsburg, Virginia, John Caccetta is a P.E. teacher, a tennis coach, a hustler, and a friend. He is the best floor hockey player in the southeast. He invented a sport called speedball. He single-handedly keeps Zubaz in business. Ladies are very intrigued by his essence. In short, Coach Caccetta is infallible. But I digress. If I could be Coach Caccetta for a day, I would make all my gym classes have an odd number (so I could play too) and I would have a different sport for each class so I could play a different sport every period. My schedule would be as follows:

7:30 – 8:20: Floor hockey - 8^th graders, I haven’t eaten breakfast but I score 15 goals.

8:30 – 9:20: Flag football – 10^th graders, I was the ref but still scored 8 touchdowns.

9:30-10:20: Ping pong – 9^th graders, I don’t lose a point.

10:30-11:50: Driver’s ed – 10^th graders, I demonstrate how to parallel park without using my hands or feet.

12:00 – 1:00: Lunch at Paul’s. I chug a pitcher of marinara (my fuel).

1:10 – 2:00: Speedball – 8^th graders, I invented the game so just imagine the results.

2:10 – 3:00: Archery – 9^th graders, I taught Robin Hood how to do this.

3:15: School’s out. Time for tennis practice – but not before I mingle with some after-school moms.

Q: Who would you rather have tuck you in at night and read you a bed time story: Barbara Walters (things to consider: annoying voice and facial expressions, creepy old lady hands) or Aunt Bea from “The Andy Griffith Show”?

• Lindsey D., Nashville, TN

CC: Let me chew on that…still chewing.