Football Ramblings

• This clip is two weeks late, but it's still awesome. If you think Gus Johnson only announces college basketball games, you better recognize.

• Steve Spurrier finally got a signature win at South Carolina. The Cocks upset Ole Miss at home last night 16-10. I think everyone would agree that Ole Miss was a bit overrated at #4 and South Carolina is definitely a top 20 team so I'm not sure how big of an upset it really was. Nonetheless, I think this is by far the Ol' Ball Coach's most talented team in his 5 years in Columbia. Stephen Garcia finally gives Spurrier a downfield threat at QB and the defense is one of the best in the SEC. Fans have been waiting for the Cocks to compete for SEC titles under Spurrier and this year in their best chance to date. Unfortunately, Tim Tebow will have something to say about that. The Cocks have road games at Alabama, Tennessee, and Arkansas and get Florida and Clemson at home -- we'll soon find out how good they really are. ChopCulture's prediction: 8-4 (losses to Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee, and Florida) with a trip to the Chick-Fil-A Bowl against Florida State.

• I am officially putting the Washington Redskins on upset alert. The Skins are coming into Ford Field on Sunday to play my Detroit Lions. No one comes into Ford Field and leaves with a win...except for the Vikings last week and every team that played there last season. But seriously, the Lions are due. And the Skins are struggling. I know many of my readers are Skins fans so consider yourselves warned. Lions 20 - Redskins 13.

• Speaking of the Redskins, how about this rookie linebacker Robert Henson who talked smack to Skins fans via Twitter. Henson is a 6th round draft pick out of TCU who HASN'T PLAYED THIS SEASON. Apparently, Henson didn't appreciate the Skins fans booing the team last Sunday so he voiced his displeasure on his favorite social networking site. Specifically, he called the fans "dimwits" and asked how fans who "work 9-5 at McDonald's" know what's best for the team. There are several things I'd like to point out to Henson: 1) Are you serious?, 2) most fans did not know who you were before this so that's not a good first impression, 3) the next time a store sells your jersey will be the first time your jersey has sold, 4) you haven't played a down this season, 5) people that work at McDonald's probably can't afford to come to your games, 6) no one works 9-5 at McDonald's except maybe the executives (so I guess maybe they do go to the games), 7) if people really did work 9-5 at McDonald's then who's serving McGriddles from 6-9 or Big Macs from 5-close?, 8) who is the dimwit now? Henson has reportedly cancelled his Twitter account. Good call, buddy.

• Virginia Tech got SO LUCKY against Nebraska. I get upset even thinking about it. Some Hokies fans burned couches. Others took a maroon sea to the bars. Tyrod Taylor and a fellow Hokie found another way to celebrate (see pic below). Not that there's anything wrong with that.

• The parity that we saw in the ACC last year is definitely gone this season. There are no national title contenders again, but there are three very good teams (Miami, Virginia Tech, and Florida State) and three good teams (Georgia Tech, Clemson, and UNC). Wake and NC State are decent. Boston College is tough to get a read on -- my instincts tell me they are a .500 team at best. Maryland, Duke, and UVa are miserable.

• I think Chris Collinsworth is a decent announcer (recently took over Sunday Night Football for John Madden), but he's always come across as kind of pompous, condescending, and creepy. I've always just assumed he was kind of a douche. It turns out he is. This video is old, but the dude is talking about hooking up with 14-18 year old girls. I'm sure your wife and kids are proud of dear ol dad.

Ramblings

Chop Culture is back. You can thank Dell for my absence. Michael Dell would be rolling over in his grave if he knew how poor Dell's customer service has become or how shitty the products have become. What? Michael Dell isn't dead? Michael, get your shit together! Your company blows! It took your imcompetent staff 6 weeks to fix my computer! Your outsourced customer service department tried to sell me a new battery, memory stick, and external hard drive while I tried to explained to them that I just wanted to get my f'ing computer fixed before I stated thinking about dropping more money into your joke of a company.

Ok, now that I've got that off my chest, let's get the ramblings started. A lot has happened since I last posted --- among other things Brett Favre is back, Kurt Rambis and Bill Laimbeer have joined forces to coach the T-Wolves, and I celebrated the 7-year anniversary of my 21st birthday.

• BDF informed my that if you Google "Pinsky Family Salami," Chop Culture is the first thing to come up. That's awesome. It got my thinking --- what other Google searches would come back with Chop Culture at the top. Since I am at my work computer right now, I decided not to look up anything to risque. By far the best search that yielded a hit on Chop Culture was "Mr. Ernst Bromance."

• Sports and TV have been slow this summer. I am excited about several returning TV shows. The following are my top 10 returning scripted TV shows this Fall:

10) Big Bang Theory (CBS) - It's kind of nerdy, but it grows on you.

9) The Office (NBC) - I wish they'd stay away from dramatic themes.

8) Eastbound and Down (HBO) - Rent Season 1 (only 6 episodes) if you haven't seen it.

7) Southland (NBC) - Ryan Atwood goes from Chino delinquent to LAPD.

6) How I Met Your Mother (CBS) - Give me more Barney Stinson and less Ted Mosby.

5) Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO) - The Seinfeld cast will supposedly appear this season.

4) Mad Men (AMC) - One of the best shows on TV.

3) It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX) - One critic calls it "Seinfeld on crack."

2) Damages (FX) - My favorite legal drama of all-time.

1) Friday Night Lights (NBC/DirecTV) - There are two reasons I just switched to DirecTV and this show is one of them. NBC won't get Season 4 until next summer. Ouch, Time Warner and Comcast subscribers.

• College football is back and that is exciting. UVa's embarrassing loss to William & Mary was disheartening, but it does not ruin the fever for me. I really need to help ESPN out with their Thursday night halftime programming though. Dr. Lou (Holtz) is a stupid segment. It's time to bring back Coach Lou's halftime pep talk. Lou does not belong in a chair -- he belongs in front of the chalkboard and I need him to pump me up.

• I just read a great book called "Dixieland Delight" by Clay Travis. Clay is a Tennessee fan who traveled to all 12 SEC stadiums during the 2006 football season and recorded his experiences. The whole book is outstanding, but one tidbit that I especially enjoyed was Clay's take on a hairstyle he coined "Bama Bangs." It's also known as the "Southern Swoop," the "frat swoop," or "tellums" (mullet spelled backwards). Essentially, Bama Bangs are haircuts that cover the forehead in a swooping fashion but are short like a regular haircut in the back. I am familiar with this hairstyle from my days on The Hill at Hampden-Sydney. A friend of mine even tried to tell me that I have Bama Bangs. Let me defend myself. First, I don't swoop up front. There is a bit of a party in the front and my forehead is mostly covered, but I promise you this -- there is a party in the back too. Except for the 2 weeks immediately after a haircut, you could even say I have a miniature mullet. So, in summary, I don't have Bama Bangs.

• Is there a more lovable athlete in the world than Shaq? Is there even a close second? I recntly watched 2 episodes of Shaq's new TV show called "Shaq Vs." in which he competes with athletes in their sport. For example, he played homerun derby with Albert Pujols, swam against Michael Phelps, and played football against Ben Roethlisberger. There is always a handicap (i.e., Shaq swims a shorter distance than Phelps). Shaq is always entertaining and always adored by the crowd. He is surprisingly athletic at every sport he's tried. There is no doubt that the Diesel will be in a broadcasting booth or in some field of entertainment as soon as he retires.

• Earlier, I mentioned that Kurt Rambis is the new head coach of the Minnesota Timberwolves and he hired Bill Laimbeer as his top assistant. Talk about a dream team of coaches! The scrappiest player of his era (Rambis) has joined forces with the dirtiest player of his era (Laimbeer). Rambis was the guy that did all the little things on championship teams. Laimbeer was the baddest of Detroit's Bad Boys. The combination of this unlikely pair would be like if Manu Ginoboli became head coach of an NBA team in 2025 and hired Ron Artest as his top assistant. Unbelievable.

• GQ has put out it's top 25 douchiest colleges -- not surpringly, UVa and Randolph-Macon made the cut.

http://men.style.com/gq/features/slideshow/v/0909COLLEGE

• Why does every pro football analyst on ESPN called the NFL the "National Football League"? I know that's what NFL stands for, but why not just call it the NFL? Almost all NBA analysts called thier league the NBA. Next time you watch NFL Live, notice how rarely those guys use the acronym.

Guest Blog by BDF

Chop’s computer is on the fritz so I’ll be guest blogging this week.

I am excited that the NFL season is only a few weeks away. I love fantasy football, so I am getting ready for my upcoming online draft. Most important to a good fantasy football team is a great name. I love the team names people create. Two great names I’ve seen are Romosexual Tendencies and My Dad is Travis Henry. Creativity is the key. Names with Vick themes were funny in 2007, but are now stale. I think my team name this season will be John Clayton’s Ponytail Mystery. I liked E li Curious; but no one got it, which might be a good thing.

Speaking of the NFL, I get the idea of throwbacks to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the AFL. They’re fun, but referees in AFL throwbacks? I am actually more surprised that the NFL designed something they can’t later sell at an 800% markup from the manufacturing cost.
http://nfldotcom.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/officials_uniform_090334_blog.jpg

-
Brooks and Dunn are calling it quits after 19 years. Wonder whose idea it was to split? Here’s how I think it went down.
Brooks: Listen, we need to talk. I think there’s been an elephant in the room for years and we’ve been avoiding it.
Dunn: I know. We need to clear the air and get this out in the open.
Brooks: Oh, what a relief. I was so nervous. I guess you know what I’m talking about.
Dunn: Brooks, it’s ok, it’s perfectly acceptable that we love each other. It’s time we stop hiding our feelings and come out of the closet.
Brooks: Um, wow man. I was talking about taking a break from our band but now I’m just going to get the hell out of here.
Brooks leaves.
Dunn: (pulls out cell phone and dials) – Hello, Garth Brooks, it’s me Ronnie Dunn….I already have about 300,000 t shirts printed up and if you aren’t busy…
-

Mini Mail Bag
Chop can’t answer every question he gets. As a self appointed expert on food, Chop thought this one would be a good for me to tackle.

Recently, I have been supplementing my lunches with Doritos “Late Night Tacos” and Pringles “Cheese Sticks with Marinara Sauce,” which taste exactly as they sound. I appreciate the effort these companies have gone to make my potato chips taste like other appetizers, but the selections are becoming overwhelming. What advice do you have for someone who walks down the “chip aisle” at the local grocer?

Hunter R.
Greenville, SC.

Hunter, it’s not uncommon to see men wandering aimlessly down the snack aisle. Hell, I’ve purchased cars in less time than I’ve spent on a single trip to 7-11. There are so many great choices. No one wants to look like a fatty at the checkout line with 7 bags of chips, so it’s important to make smart decisions. First, decide what flavor you want. BBQ? Sour Cream and Onion? Maybe something new, like Buffalo wing sauce or spicy Thai. Once you’ve got the flavor down, choose your crunch factor. Kettle chips are delicious, but are you in the mood for all that chomping? After settling on a potato chip, it’s time to pick your cheese snack. That’s right my friend, I recommend getting one bag of potato chips and one bag of a “cheese” snacks. These consist of Cheetos or Doritos. (Side note - our Jewish friends need to be careful with Doritos. Some flavors contain porcine enzymes, which are obviously non kosher). Make sure your cheese snack complements your potato chip selection. For instance, I often go with Sour Cream and Onion Lay’s with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. I balance out the cool with hot. Don’t get too crazy though, mixing two extreme flavors is often to blame when you’re missing the fourth quarter thanks to a combo of Spicy Jalapeño Doritos and Utz Crab Chips. I learned that the hard way during a Steelers game in 2007. Thank God I can hear Sirius NFL radio from my bathroom. Want the crazy new Doritos flavor? That’s fine; just pair it with a plain potato chip (and maybe some Tums). Don’t forget to mix it up with Fritos corn chips every so often.

When in serious doubt, there is a wonderful mix called Munchies, which contains Sun Chips, Doritos, Cheetos and pretzels. It even comes in three different varieties – cheese, ranch and hot. I think it’s a bit heavy for lunches, but perfect for game or movie watching.

I stick to the classics. If I wanted a taco or cheese sticks, I’d buy them instead of chips. There’s a reason Doritos’ top sellers are Nacho cheese and Cool Ranch. They’re great every time. Everyone has their own favorite flavors. Go with your gut feeling (literally) and don’t look back.

-
Words of advice to MLB players – if you’re going to charge the mound, it’s wise to at least get in a punch. Kevin Youkilis charged the mound after Rick Porcello beaned him in the back. Youk charged the mound, threw his helmet at Porcello, and before you could say “Chowda” was body slammed to the ground by the Tigers’ young pitcher. Ouch. Youk will have plenty of time to think about his stupid actions while he’s suspended.

-
I’ve been to the Carolinas twice in the past 4 weeks. Is there any doubt that Cheerwine is the greatest soft drink of all time? I say it’s the “Taste of the Carolinas”. My Winston Salem born intern agreed with me. I can’t tell if he truly believes this or was just blowing smoke up my ass because I am his boss. Either way, he brought me 3 two liters of CW this week.

Biz Markie Literal Video

In case you missed this on Hot Clicks last week...

Mailbag 3.0

I am pleased to welcome some new blood to this edition of the mailbag. This is the first time I've had more questions not make the mailbag than ones that exactly did -- keep sending them in. As always, these are real emails from actual readers.

Q: Long time reader, first time caller... I want to get your take on endurance sports like the Tour de France. First question is, does anyone even know the rules to this thing? Or does Lance just make them up as he goes? Next, how can this possibly be called a race when no positions move on the last day? The thing goes on for a month but there are only a few days out of the whole time period where they are actually racing as opposed to everyone just going the same speed and literally getting the same time for each day. Finally, let's say you were guaranteed to win -- would you even WANT to go through the grueling process and shall we say, "numbness" that comes with the territory?

• Dave S., Atlanta, GA

Chop Culture: The Tour de France is one of the most confusing sporting events in the world. Hockey, lacrosse, and soccer have some complex rules, but they are still easy to follow and all have the same premise: score the most goals. Obviously, cyclists in the Tour de France must have incredible stamina, endurance, and lung capacity. I suppose that makes them superior athletes, but I don't understand the scoring system. Why are these guys coasting with champagne coolies in hand at times? Why is 30 seconds an insurmountable lead? Would you ever see Michael Phelps pouring himself a glass of Cristal BEFORE the race is over? I don't recall seeing the Kenyan guy that pulled away in the Boston marathon sipping a mimosa during the last mile. I know the Tour de France is 23 days long, but it's a race! Also, what makes France so special? Surely there are other cycling races throughout the year, but only this one gets any attention. I have not been on a bike in several years so I forgot about the numbness associated with an uncomfortable bike seat. I wouldn't be able to take that for 23 days. Some people care about the Tour de France, but -- to paraphrase Happy Gilmore -- green jersey, gold jersey, who gives a shit?

Q: You have a choice between spending your next summer at either Camp Anawanna ("Salute You Shorts") or the Bar None Dude Ranch ("Hey Dude"), which would you pick and why? Just to help with your decision, at the ranch you would be bunking with Danny Lightfoot of the Hopi Indian Tribe and while at the camp you would be living with Ronnie Pinsky of Pinsky Family Salami.

• Travis C., Washington, DC

CC: I've spent the better part of a week thinking about this question, but once you break down several factors it is actually a no-brainer. I am assuming if I go to Camp Anawanna, I am a camper and if I go to the Bar None Dude Ranch, I will be working there (hopefully senior staff). I took the following 6 categories into consideration:

1) LOCATION - Salute Your Shorts takes place at a typical summer camp in an unknown state. Hey Dude takes place at a dude ranch near Tucson, Arizona. I don't like deserts. THE EDGE: Salute Your Shorts (even though we don't know exactly where it takes place).

2) BOSS / HEAD COUNSELOR - Mr. Benjamin Ernest and Kevin "Ug" Lee are both gullible losers, but there is no question that Ernst would be a better boss that Ug would be a counselor. Ug is a stickler -- not good for a camper trying to get away with something. Ernst is dimwitted -- in a summer job (as opposed to full-time job after college), a clueless boss is a good thing. Too bad Nickelodeon didn't show anyone sneaking some alcohol into the bunks. You know Ted and Danny were sipping some firewater behind the horse trough. I fully intend to have a beer with David Brisbin (Mr. Ernst) before I die. MAJOR EDGE: Hey Dude.


3) FOOD - Cafeteria food sucks at both venues so it really comes down to food that people sneak into the bunks. More specifically, Danny's Hopi flatbread vs. Ronnie Pinksy's family salami. MAJOR EDGE: Salute Your Shorts.


4) THEME SONG - Maybe this shouldn't matter, but damnit it does matter. Both songs are catchy, but I would only be able to participate in one of these tunes. EDGE: Salute Your Shorts.

5) ACTIVITIES - I've never been on a horse or lassoed cattle. I'll participate in a myriad of sports and water activities at Camp Anawanna. An awful waffle or two on some unsuspecting newbie will only add to my enjoyment of camp life. MAJOR EDGE: Salute Your Shorts.

6) CO-WORKERS / FELLOW CAMPERS - My co-workers at the Bar None Dude Ranch are Ted (cool), Brad (stuck up), Danny (kind of dorky), Melody (cool/hot), Jake (slacker/plays the tubs), Buddy Ernst (tool), and Kyle (country bumpkin). At Camp Anawanna, I would hang out with Donkey Lips (lovable loser), Budnick (trouble maker), Sponge (nerd), Pinsky (cool/salami makes him cooler), Michael (cool), Telly (black female tennis player whose real name is Venus, coincidence?), Dina (stuck up), and ZZ (hippie). I wouldn't mind hanging out with Ted, Jake, and Melody, and we know Buddy Ernst would provide unintentional comedy, but the campers are just more fun. SLIGHT EDGE: Salute Your Shorts.

In summary, I'll always love Hey Dude (especially Mr. Ernst), but I'd much rather spend my summer at Camp Anawanna.


Q: What two people would you most like to see duke it out MMA style and why?

• Michelle K., Columbia, SC

CC: I would like to see Mike Tyson vs. CT (from "The Real World" infamy) in a cage match with no rules. It would be an understatement to say these two men both have a short fuse. Neither has a conscience. The promo for the match would read as follows: "Two men. Two loose cannons. Two bad tempers. Zero emotional stability. Only on pay-per-view." CT is clearly a tough guy with an impressive resume of street and bar fights, but Iron Mike would literally eat CT's children. I'd pay to see it.

Check out these classic Tyson quotes (especially the top 6):






Q: If you had to take a first date to a national chain restaurant, which one would you choose?

• Hunter R., Greenville, SC

CC: Since we're only considering national chains, I basically need to choose between Applebee's, Ruby Tuesday, Bennigan's, TGI Friday's, Shoney's, Bob Evans, Chili's, IHOP, Outback, Olive Garden, O'Charley's, Golden Corral, Cracker Barrel, and Red Lobster. I can't take my date to a buffet. In fact, I can narrow that list down to Chili's, Olive Garden, Outback, and Ruby Tuesday. I like the salad bar at Rube Tubes, but a guy can't order a salad on a first date -- makes you look like a pansy. So Ruby Tuesday is out. Chili's probably has the best food of the bunch, but I don't want ribs or wings on a first date either -- too messy. Chili's is out. I used to love Olive Garden, but then I started watching Top Chef and Food Network and my palate become more refined. Despite the never-ending pasta bowls, Olive Garden is not authentic Italian food. It's out. By process of elimination, the first date must be at Outback -- split a bloomin' onion, two reasonably priced and reasonably tasty entrees, and a mediocre dessert. I probably wouldn't get a second date.

Q: Other than actual games, has ESPN become completely unwatchable?

• Dave F., Richmond, VA

CC: Not quite unwatchable, but it's gets worse every year. It reminds me of when MTV stopped showing videos -- at first it's cool that new shows like The State, Buzzkill, and Singled Out are on all the time. Then the shows gradually get lamer, and pretty soon you're watching Date My Mom, Tila Tequila, and True Life: I'm a Transgender Meth Addict. You start to miss the videos. ESPN has too many talking heads now -- I like PTI, but most of the other studio guys are terrible. I seriously hope some of Skip Bayless' opinions are purely for show, but for some reason I think he is genuinely a jack ass. Some of ESPN's around-the-clock coverage is downright unbearable -- oh really, Ed Werder, Tony Romo and T.O. were seen talking to each other at practice today? That's not breaking news. Even SportsCenter is far from what it once was -- it used to be all highlights and anchors messing up players' names. Now it's a few highlights mixed in with a myriad of opinions and analysis, mostly from former players who are not that insightful (exception: Jalen Rose). Just show me the highlights -- if I really need more analysis and discussion, then I'll tune into sports talk radio. While I'm eating breakfast for 10 minutes at 8 am, I just want to see highlights of last night's games. Also, I had my poker phase and I still like Texas hold 'em, but enough already with airing the World Series of Poker three nights a week on ESPN. At least put that on the ocho with bass fishing.

Q: If you you had to give up your current full-time job as a blogger for Chop Culture and, instead, had to work as a cab driver in the city of your choice which city would you choose and why? What kind of cab would you drive?

• Tony R., Baltimore, MD

CC: I wish the blog was lucrative enough to be a full-time job. But anyway, I would definitely be a cab driver in New Orleans. First, it is arguably the most fun city I have ever visited. Great food, music, sports, culture, and Hurricanes (the drink, not the natural disaster). Second, the traffic is not as bad as L.A. or Atlanta. Third, the streets are not as confusing as the grid system in NYC. Finally, life is laid back in NOLA -- you'd see some weird things, especially on Bourbon Street, but not everyone is in such a hurry like in NYC and other big cities. I would definitely drive a taxi van. On a related note, I think Cash Cab: After Dark should do a special week of shows in the Big Easy during Mardi Gras. I'll drive.

Q: You are the assistant superintendent of Kawaihae County Schools. You have been asked to interview two candidates for the principal position at the local high school, Grundle Magnet School. You interview Richard Belding and George Feeny. Who do you hire and why?

• Lindsey D., Nashville, TN

CC: I know everyone between the ages of 21 and 35 idolizes Mr. Belding. I am no exception. Everyone wished their principal was like Mr. Belding, partially because he tried to relate with the kids and partially because he was clueless and students could get away with anything. With all that being said, this is a difficult decision. Keep in mind, I am the assistant superintendent. I am not a student anymore. Each man's resume is important. Mr. Feeny brings over 30 years of experience as a teacher, principal, and college professor to the table. He teaches life lessons. If he likes you enough, he will be your next-door neighbor, middle school teacher, high school principal, and then follow you and your friends to college and become a professor. He will refuse to call on anyone else during class. Belding's signature line is "hey, hey, hey, whaaaat is going on here?" Feeny's staple is "Mr. Hunter. Mr. Matthews. I'll see you in detention." Ok, I made up Feeny's signature line, but he is a stickler for the rules. He is a no-nonsense mentor. If Belding gives you detention, you know it will be easy to sneak out. My conscience is telling me that Feeny is more qualified, but...no, I'm hiring Dick "f'ing" Belding!

Q: MTV has just informed you that you have been selected to replace Brody Jenner on the next season of Bromance. What tasks or challenges would you have your potential bros perform to see if you would be bromantically compatible?

• Karen R., West Columbia, SC

CC: Wow, what an honor! First, I would have to decide if I really need another friend or if I just want to humiliate some poor bastards on national TV. Upon significant reflection, I don't need another friend. The premise of my show would be part Amazing Race / part Japanese Game Show / part fraternity-style hazing. Season 1 only lasted six episodes (I heard) so I need to come up with six challenges for the desperate bros-to-be.

1) Scavenger hunt involving a lawn jockey, a mail order bride from Singapore, a 2-liter of Sundrop, and a mint condition Buffalo Nickel.

2) A friendly game of paintball. I'll be the only one with a paintball gun. We'll call it a bro hunt -- last one to get hit wins.

3) Similar to how Brody pretended to start a line of "slim-fit" jeans with glitter (I heard) to see if his bros would support his business, I'll pretend to start a line of Zubaz henley shirts and make my contestants wear them around town and try to sell them to clothing stores.

4) Four words: Kelly Clarkson karaoke jam.

5) We'll visit my hometown of Williamsburg, VA. The fellas will wear colonial garb (knickers, blouse, tri-corner hat, shoes with buckles, musket, etc.) all weekend. There will be a butter-churning contest.


6) Obstacle course that will combine the best aspects of Japanese game shows, Double Dare, and American Gladiators -- there will be tricycles, chicken suits, orange flags, ziplines, jousting, green slime, climbing walls, and super sloppiness.


Q: Much in the same way that I once dominated you on the hardcourts, I enjoy dominating my fantasy football league. Provide a list of "Chop's top-rookie fantasy picks for 2009." Also, as a tittilating aside, provide a menu of the food items that would be present at what we'll call "Chop's Ultimate Tailgate."

• Gary E., Washington, DC

CC: Larry, first of all, we both know how things turned out on the hardcourts, but I will give you my 5 top rookies and my top 5 tailgating favorites.

Rookies:


1) Knowshon Moreno - RB (Denver) - Broncos always have good running game.


2) LeSean McCoy - RB (Philadelphia) - Westbrook will probably get hurt at some point.


3) Michael Crabtree - WR (San Francisco) - Don't know who will throw to him.


4) Percy Harvin - WR (Minnesota) - Will probably carry the ball as much as he catches it.


5) Brandon Pettigrew - TE (Detroit) - Don't laugh.


Tailgating food:


1) Chick Fil-A nugget tray.


2) Dips with Scoops (ASIDE: I'm a fan of Hunter Reid's unlimited layer dip, formerly known as 7-layer dip).


3) Brats.


4) Fried chicken (ASIDE: Wings are too messy at tailgates).


5) BBQ sandwiches (sliders, if you will).


What was I just saying about having a refined palate?

Q: Which do you think would get the highest bid on eBay: Keith Sweat's used colostomy bag or a ziploc bag full of R. Kelly's bellybutton lint?

• Anonymous

CC: I'll chew on that. Until next time...

10 Random Burning Questions

10) If LeBron gets dunked on at his skills camp (or in the forest) and makes Nike confiscate the only videotape so it doesn't go viral, did it happen?

9) Was death Michael Jackson's only hope to get out of debt and become popular again among new and old fans?


8) Could Billy Mays have picked a worse week to die?


7) Did the first person to ever have a hangover think he was dying? Did he then utter the words "I'm never drinking again"?


6) How many unsuccessful attempts did early man have with eating bananas? And, as a follow-up, did we learn on our own to take off the peel or did we imitate the primates?


5) Honestly, how does Doritos keep coming up with delicious new flavor combinations while maintaining the popularity of Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch?


4) What will happen first: Pete Rose gets into the Baseball Hall of Fame or (Coach) John Caccetta gets into the Walsingham Academy Sports Hall of Fame?


3) Could I care less about Jon & Kate?

2) What is the slap per scene ratio in Spanish soap operas compared to American daytime dramas?

1) Guys, would you rather have a rattail or wear a cowboy hat at all times (assume it is tolerated at work, at the gym, in restaurants, etc.)? Similarly, ladies, would you rather have 5th grade bangs or rock a fanny pack 24/7 (with a trendy and stylish haircut)?

Mox

I am working on a Ramblings post, but I am short on time right now...so for now, enjoy one of the greatest monologues in movie history (tweaked for maximum impact).

Highlight of the Week

I rarely get emotionally invested in international soccer tournaments outside of the World Cup, probably because the US rarely competes at a high level on the international stage. This year's FIFA Confederations Cup was an exception. The US got lucky to advance from group play, but the upset over Spain got everyone excited about US futbol. The first half against Brazil gave US fans World Cup Fever a year early. Brazil proved to be the better team in the 2nd half, but that first half gives us hope for a miracle run in South Africa in 2010. We now know we can compete with the best in the world. I realize Brazil could have won 6-2, but the US was close to shocking the world and winning its first FIFA tournament.

It was a great game and no moment was better than Landon Donovan's goal off a counter-attack in the first half. Donovan got at least three inches off the ground on his vertical leap in celebration of the goal. It's Chop Culture's highlight of the week: