Chop Culture: July 2009

I am pleased to welcome some new blood to this edition of the mailbag. This is the first time I've had more questions not make the mailbag than ones that exactly did -- keep sending them in. As always, these are real emails from actual readers.

Q: Long time reader, first time caller... I want to get your take on endurance sports like the Tour de France. First question is, does anyone even know the rules to this thing? Or does Lance just make them up as he goes? Next, how can this possibly be called a race when no positions move on the last day? The thing goes on for a month but there are only a few days out of the whole time period where they are actually racing as opposed to everyone just going the same speed and literally getting the same time for each day. Finally, let's say you were guaranteed to win -- would you even WANT to go through the grueling process and shall we say, "numbness" that comes with the territory?

Dave S., Atlanta, GA

Chop Culture: The Tour de France is one of the most confusing sporting events in the world. Hockey, lacrosse, and soccer have some complex rules, but they are still easy to follow and all have the same premise: score the most goals. Obviously, cyclists in the Tour de France must have incredible stamina, endurance, and lung capacity. I suppose that makes them superior athletes, but I don't understand the scoring system. Why are these guys coasting with champagne coolies in hand at times? Why is 30 seconds an insurmountable lead? Would you ever see Michael Phelps pouring himself a glass of Cristal BEFORE the race is over? I don't recall seeing the Kenyan guy that pulled away in the Boston marathon sipping a mimosa during the last mile. I know the Tour de France is 23 days long, but it's a race! Also, what makes France so special? Surely there are other cycling races throughout the year, but only this one gets any attention. I have not been on a bike in several years so I forgot about the numbness associated with an uncomfortable bike seat. I wouldn't be able to take that for 23 days. Some people care about the Tour de France, but -- to paraphrase Happy Gilmore -- green jersey, gold jersey, who gives a shit?

Q: You have a choice between spending your next summer at either Camp Anawanna ("Salute You Shorts") or the Bar None Dude Ranch ("Hey Dude"), which would you pick and why? Just to help with your decision, at the ranch you would be bunking with Danny Lightfoot of the Hopi Indian Tribe and while at the camp you would be living with Ronnie Pinsky of Pinsky Family Salami.

Travis C., Washington, DC

CC: I've spent the better part of a week thinking about this question, but once you break down several factors it is actually a no-brainer. I am assuming if I go to Camp Anawanna, I am a camper and if I go to the Bar None Dude Ranch, I will be working there (hopefully senior staff). I took the following 6 categories into consideration:

1) LOCATION - Salute Your Shorts takes place at a typical summer camp in an unknown state. Hey Dude takes place at a dude ranch near Tucson, Arizona. I don't like deserts. THE EDGE: Salute Your Shorts (even though we don't know exactly where it takes place).

2) BOSS / HEAD COUNSELOR - Mr. Benjamin Ernest and Kevin "Ug" Lee are both gullible losers, but there is no question that Ernst would be a better boss that Ug would be a counselor. Ug is a stickler -- not good for a camper trying to get away with something. Ernst is dimwitted -- in a summer job (as opposed to full-time job after college), a clueless boss is a good thing. Too bad Nickelodeon didn't show anyone sneaking some alcohol into the bunks. You know Ted and Danny were sipping some firewater behind the horse trough. I fully intend to have a beer with David Brisbin (Mr. Ernst) before I die. MAJOR EDGE: Hey Dude.

3) FOOD - Cafeteria food sucks at both venues so it really comes down to food that people sneak into the bunks. More specifically, Danny's Hopi flatbread vs. Ronnie Pinksy's family salami. MAJOR EDGE: Salute Your Shorts.

4) THEME SONG - Maybe this shouldn't matter, but damnit it does matter. Both songs are catchy, but I would only be able to participate in one of these tunes. EDGE: Salute Your Shorts.

5) ACTIVITIES - I've never been on a horse or lassoed cattle. I'll participate in a myriad of sports and water activities at Camp Anawanna. An awful waffle or two on some unsuspecting newbie will only add to my enjoyment of camp life. MAJOR EDGE: Salute Your Shorts.

6) CO-WORKERS / FELLOW CAMPERS - My co-workers at the Bar None Dude Ranch are Ted (cool), Brad (stuck up), Danny (kind of dorky), Melody (cool/hot), Jake (slacker/plays the tubs), Buddy Ernst (tool), and Kyle (country bumpkin). At Camp Anawanna, I would hang out with Donkey Lips (lovable loser), Budnick (trouble maker), Sponge (nerd), Pinsky (cool/salami makes him cooler), Michael (cool), Telly (black female tennis player whose real name is Venus, coincidence?), Dina (stuck up), and ZZ (hippie). I wouldn't mind hanging out with Ted, Jake, and Melody, and we know Buddy Ernst would provide unintentional comedy, but the campers are just more fun. SLIGHT EDGE: Salute Your Shorts.

In summary, I'll always love Hey Dude (especially Mr. Ernst), but I'd much rather spend my summer at Camp Anawanna.

Q: What two people would you most like to see duke it out MMA style and why?

Michelle K., Columbia, SC

CC: I would like to see Mike Tyson vs. CT (from "The Real World" infamy) in a cage match with no rules. It would be an understatement to say these two men both have a short fuse. Neither has a conscience. The promo for the match would read as follows: "Two men. Two loose cannons. Two bad tempers. Zero emotional stability. Only on pay-per-view." CT is clearly a tough guy with an impressive resume of street and bar fights, but Iron Mike would literally eat CT's children. I'd pay to see it.

Check out these classic Tyson quotes (especially the top 6):

Q: If you had to take a first date to a national chain restaurant, which one would you choose?

Hunter R., Greenville, SC

CC: Since we're only considering national chains, I basically need to choose between Applebee's, Ruby Tuesday, Bennigan's, TGI Friday's, Shoney's, Bob Evans, Chili's, IHOP, Outback, Olive Garden, O'Charley's, Golden Corral, Cracker Barrel, and Red Lobster. I can't take my date to a buffet. In fact, I can narrow that list down to Chili's, Olive Garden, Outback, and Ruby Tuesday. I like the salad bar at Rube Tubes, but a guy can't order a salad on a first date -- makes you look like a pansy. So Ruby Tuesday is out. Chili's probably has the best food of the bunch, but I don't want ribs or wings on a first date either -- too messy. Chili's is out. I used to love Olive Garden, but then I started watching Top Chef and Food Network and my palate become more refined. Despite the never-ending pasta bowls, Olive Garden is not authentic Italian food. It's out. By process of elimination, the first date must be at Outback -- split a bloomin' onion, two reasonably priced and reasonably tasty entrees, and a mediocre dessert. I probably wouldn't get a second date.

Q: Other than actual games, has ESPN become completely unwatchable?

Dave F., Richmond, VA

CC: Not quite unwatchable, but it's gets worse every year. It reminds me of when MTV stopped showing videos -- at first it's cool that new shows like The State, Buzzkill, and Singled Out are on all the time. Then the shows gradually get lamer, and pretty soon you're watching Date My Mom, Tila Tequila, and True Life: I'm a Transgender Meth Addict. You start to miss the videos. ESPN has too many talking heads now -- I like PTI, but most of the other studio guys are terrible. I seriously hope some of Skip Bayless' opinions are purely for show, but for some reason I think he is genuinely a jack ass. Some of ESPN's around-the-clock coverage is downright unbearable -- oh really, Ed Werder, Tony Romo and T.O. were seen talking to each other at practice today? That's not breaking news. Even SportsCenter is far from what it once was -- it used to be all highlights and anchors messing up players' names. Now it's a few highlights mixed in with a myriad of opinions and analysis, mostly from former players who are not that insightful (exception: Jalen Rose). Just show me the highlights -- if I really need more analysis and discussion, then I'll tune into sports talk radio. While I'm eating breakfast for 10 minutes at 8 am, I just want to see highlights of last night's games. Also, I had my poker phase and I still like Texas hold 'em, but enough already with airing the World Series of Poker three nights a week on ESPN. At least put that on the ocho with bass fishing.

Q: If you you had to give up your current full-time job as a blogger for Chop Culture and, instead, had to work as a cab driver in the city of your choice which city would you choose and why? What kind of cab would you drive?

Tony R., Baltimore, MD

CC: I wish the blog was lucrative enough to be a full-time job. But anyway, I would definitely be a cab driver in New Orleans. First, it is arguably the most fun city I have ever visited. Great food, music, sports, culture, and Hurricanes (the drink, not the natural disaster). Second, the traffic is not as bad as L.A. or Atlanta. Third, the streets are not as confusing as the grid system in NYC. Finally, life is laid back in NOLA -- you'd see some weird things, especially on Bourbon Street, but not everyone is in such a hurry like in NYC and other big cities. I would definitely drive a taxi van. On a related note, I think Cash Cab: After Dark should do a special week of shows in the Big Easy during Mardi Gras. I'll drive.

Q: You are the assistant superintendent of Kawaihae County Schools. You have been asked to interview two candidates for the principal position at the local high school, Grundle Magnet School. You interview Richard Belding and George Feeny. Who do you hire and why?

Lindsey D., Nashville, TN

CC: I know everyone between the ages of 21 and 35 idolizes Mr. Belding. I am no exception. Everyone wished their principal was like Mr. Belding, partially because he tried to relate with the kids and partially because he was clueless and students could get away with anything. With all that being said, this is a difficult decision. Keep in mind, I am the assistant superintendent. I am not a student anymore. Each man's resume is important. Mr. Feeny brings over 30 years of experience as a teacher, principal, and college professor to the table. He teaches life lessons. If he likes you enough, he will be your next-door neighbor, middle school teacher, high school principal, and then follow you and your friends to college and become a professor. He will refuse to call on anyone else during class. Belding's signature line is "hey, hey, hey, whaaaat is going on here?" Feeny's staple is "Mr. Hunter. Mr. Matthews. I'll see you in detention." Ok, I made up Feeny's signature line, but he is a stickler for the rules. He is a no-nonsense mentor. If Belding gives you detention, you know it will be easy to sneak out. My conscience is telling me that Feeny is more qualified, but...no, I'm hiring Dick "f'ing" Belding!

Q: MTV has just informed you that you have been selected to replace Brody Jenner on the next season of Bromance. What tasks or challenges would you have your potential bros perform to see if you would be bromantically compatible?

Karen R., West Columbia, SC

CC: Wow, what an honor! First, I would have to decide if I really need another friend or if I just want to humiliate some poor bastards on national TV. Upon significant reflection, I don't need another friend. The premise of my show would be part Amazing Race / part Japanese Game Show / part fraternity-style hazing. Season 1 only lasted six episodes (I heard) so I need to come up with six challenges for the desperate bros-to-be.

1) Scavenger hunt involving a lawn jockey, a mail order bride from Singapore, a 2-liter of Sundrop, and a mint condition Buffalo Nickel.

2) A friendly game of paintball. I'll be the only one with a paintball gun. We'll call it a bro hunt -- last one to get hit wins.

3) Similar to how Brody pretended to start a line of "slim-fit" jeans with glitter (I heard) to see if his bros would support his business, I'll pretend to start a line of Zubaz henley shirts and make my contestants wear them around town and try to sell them to clothing stores.

4) Four words: Kelly Clarkson karaoke jam.

5) We'll visit my hometown of Williamsburg, VA. The fellas will wear colonial garb (knickers, blouse, tri-corner hat, shoes with buckles, musket, etc.) all weekend. There will be a butter-churning contest.

6) Obstacle course that will combine the best aspects of Japanese game shows, Double Dare, and American Gladiators -- there will be tricycles, chicken suits, orange flags, ziplines, jousting, green slime, climbing walls, and super sloppiness.

Q: Much in the same way that I once dominated you on the hardcourts, I enjoy dominating my fantasy football league. Provide a list of "Chop's top-rookie fantasy picks for 2009." Also, as a tittilating aside, provide a menu of the food items that would be present at what we'll call "Chop's Ultimate Tailgate."

Gary E., Washington, DC

CC: Larry, first of all, we both know how things turned out on the hardcourts, but I will give you my 5 top rookies and my top 5 tailgating favorites.

Rookies:

1) Knowshon Moreno - RB (Denver) - Broncos always have good running game.

2) LeSean McCoy - RB (Philadelphia) - Westbrook will probably get hurt at some point.

3) Michael Crabtree - WR (San Francisco) - Don't know who will throw to him.

4) Percy Harvin - WR (Minnesota) - Will probably carry the ball as much as he catches it.

5) Brandon Pettigrew - TE (Detroit) - Don't laugh.

Tailgating food:

1) Chick Fil-A nugget tray.

2) Dips with Scoops (ASIDE: I'm a fan of Hunter Reid's unlimited layer dip, formerly known as 7-layer dip).

3) Brats.

4) Fried chicken (ASIDE: Wings are too messy at tailgates).

5) BBQ sandwiches (sliders, if you will).

What was I just saying about having a refined palate?

Q: Which do you think would get the highest bid on eBay: Keith Sweat's used colostomy bag or a ziploc bag full of R. Kelly's bellybutton lint?