Happy Holidays to you and yours. Peppermint bark...ain't nothing wrong with that!
I really, really like lists, and even I am sick of every website making dozens of "best of the decade" lists. So, as badly as I want to, I will refrain from listing my top 10 movies, albums, athletes, commercials, books, and bad UVa football coaches of the decade.
In my opinion, Texas is the best college basketball team in the nation right now. It is crazy that Kevin Durant AND D.J. Augustin could still be there now. If they had stayed in school, both of them would be seniors. Similarly, Ohio State is a borderline top 25 team and they could still have Greg Oden, Mike Conley, Daequan Cook, Kosta Koufos, and B.J. Mullens. I am glad that the NBA at least imposed an age requirement, but I am such a college basketball purist that I wish more guys would stay four years.
I don't know if I'm more scared or excited about what technology will come out in the next decade. In 1999, words and phrases like Blackberry, HDTV, DVR, Blu-ray, tweet, GPS, and Wii meant nothing to me. For all we know, we might be driving flying cars (like in "Back to the Future II") in 2019. More likely, we'll have a gadget (like a Blackberry) that is our phone, computer, TV, mp3 player, and several others things that I can't even fathom. Our kids will think the current iPods and laptops are complete jokes.
I think the Tiger Woods story is far from over. There is more to this story. When the report first came out about the accident, my first reaction was shock immediately followed by concern about his health (news stations irresponsibly reported that he was in serious condition). Once I realized that it was a one-car accident outside his driveway, it seemed odd but it was a relief that he was not seriously injured. I thought some logical explanation would surface and that would be the end of it. Then I found out the accident was at 2:30 a.m. and I knew something bad had happened -- the only reasons a married man leaves his house at 2:30 a.m. are 1) he's drunk, 2) he's been in a domestic dispute, 3) he's meeting another woman, or 4) he's buying drugs. None of the above seemed to fit Tiger. His wife breaking the rear window with a golf club to help get him out just doesn't sit well with me -- he's in the front seat and he weighs about 200 pounds. I think she hit the back windshield before the wreck. But I digress. Obviously, even after all this came out, I was still shocked that Tiger had 10-15 women on the side. I would've been less shocked to learn that Tiger was taking performance-enhancing drugs. Now, I wouldn't be shocked at all if that comes to light as well.
As this decade comes to an end, it made me realize that this decade has produced the worst music since the 1950s. Sure, there have been some good things to come out this decade (mostly in the alty rock genre), but even the 80s had more good music than the 2000s. If I had to rank the last 5 decades in terms of the music that came out in each respective decade, the list would be as follows: 1) 70s, 2) 90s, 3) 60s, 4) 80s, 5) 2000s. Yes, the early rock and doo wop groups of the 60s and the hair bands of the 80s have more staying power than the collection of music produced in the last ten years. On the positive side, John Mayer has gotten less douchy as the decade has gone by. I think the less he tried to get laid, the better his guitar skills got and the better his songs got. Having said that, he is still a douche (and still getting laid a lot more than he should).
The BCS system worked about as well as it could possibly work this year, but it still sucks. I think the two best teams (Alabama and Texas) are playing for the title and I am glad to see undefeated Cincinnati play Florida, but there are five undefeated teams. Why have Boise and TCU play each other? I'd rather see, for example, Georgia Tech vs. TCU and Penn St. (not Iowa) vs. Boise St. The we could see how good Boise and TCU really are. Of course, it would be possible to end up with four undefeated teams if we did that, but we could also end up with just one. With the current matchups, we will end up with at least two undefeated teams. This year would be perfect for an 8-team playoff. There would be some controversy about who would get the last two spots, but that's better than having controversy about the BCS title game. We could still have the other meaningless bowls so schools and conferences would still make the same amount of money -- we would just add 3 games (semifinals and final). We would play the quaterfinals before Christmas, the semifinals around New Year's Day, and the title game around January 7 or 8 (as it is now). Thus, looking at the teams in my hypothetical playoff, the matchups would be as follows: 1) Alabama vs. 8) Oregon, 2) Texas vs. 7) Ohio State, 3) Cincinnati vs. 6) Florida, 4) TCU vs. 5) Boise St. Georgia Tech gets "screwed" in my hypothetical - but when you lose to a mediocre Georgia team in the season finale, you should fall to the Chick-Fil-A Bowl. I realize that TCU and Boise would still be playing each other, but then the winner would earn the right to play Alabama in the semifinals. Thus, if we play it all out, the semifinals would likely be 1) Alabama vs. 4) TCU and 2) Texas vs. 6) Florida. We would likely get the same Texas-Alabama title game that we already have, but it would be more interesting and less controversial. Again, I'm not saying it is that controversial this year, but the BCS just got lucky this year.
If you've never seen the TV show "Damages," do yourself a favor and rent (or check out from the public library) seasons 1 and 2 as soon as possible. Season 3 begins January 25 on fX so you have time to catch up. It is easily one of the five best legal dramas of my lifetime -- I'd argue it's the best. Unlike most law dramas, a murder case doesn't get set for trial the same episode as the murder itself. If the pilot episode doesn't suck you in, then the show probably isn't for you.
Check out this funny song from Jason Segal of "How I Met Your Mother" and "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" fame.
BDF had a good idea that instead of always answering readers' mailbag questions, I should ask a few random questions. These are real questions from me answered by actual readers.
Q: If you could be a siamese twin with any celebrity, who would it be and why?
Hunter R., Greenville, SC: Great question. The expected response from any male presented with this question would be to name some movie-star stud, like Brad Pitt, or anyone else that gets laid upon command, and claim their reason for being “attached at the hip” would be to enjoy the table scraps. Just think: every hook up would count as a three-some. But, that’s a boring answer.
This easiest way to answer this question is by process of elimination. For my Siamese twin, I would have to choose someone that is a) of the same sex; b) of the same sexual orientation; c) of the same race; and d) someone that is more enjoyable than annoying. Obviously, that would exclude all female celebs, all gay/bisexual celebs, all non-white celebs, and Dane Cook (note: I hated to exclude all females and non-whites, but the question would be difficult because I don’t know what it is like to be anything but a white boy). Next, understanding the difficulties of Siamese-coordination, I would have to eliminate all athletes and musicians (except for pianist and drummers- which would be cool by the way). Ultimately, this question becomes: Which celebrity do you feel is most like yourself?
CC, this is one of those really deep, introspective and self-examining questions that tells you more about yourself than anything else. I say this because if you were a Siamese twin you would be permanently connected to that person forever (assuming advanced medicine cannot separate the two of you). You would spend 100% of your time, asleep and awake, with the same person. This question is not too much different from your previous mailbag when you decided the one T.V. channel you would watch if you were trapped in a dungeon and limited to one TV station- in the long run you would prefer something dynamic (like TBS) versus something static (like ESPN).
In that sense, my answer is Paul Newman. Besides being a great actor and film director, Mr. Newman had a military background, loved auto racing and cars, he was very resourceful, he had a politically left-leaning mind, married a girl from Greenville, South Carolina, and became one of the world’s most well-respected, successful and philanthropic persons of his generation. He was truly a Renaissance Man. Now, I am not saying that I am any of these things, but that sure sounds like someone I would like to be connected to.
Q: After watching "Teen Wolf" and "Teen Wolf Too," no one could question that Michael J. Fox was a better actor than Jason Bateman. Now, looking back at each man's body of work, who has had the better career?
Dave F., Richmond, VA: Tough question. JB was great in Arrested Development, which is one of my favorite shows of all time. He was also very good in Juno and Extract. MJF carried Family Ties as the show's breakout character. This role lead him to starring roles in the Back to the Future trilogy, The Secret of My Success, Bright Lights Big City, Casualties of War & Doc Hollywood. MJF was easily one of the biggest media stars of the late 80's. MJF also starred in the 90's hit Spin City. I don't think JB has achieved the critical praises equal to MJF. Based on that and my personal opinion, I'd have to say MJF has had a better career. Unfortunately Parkinson's cut MJF's career a little short. JB is just starting to get major roles in film and TV. I think this question might need to be readdressed in 10 years.
Q: In light of the new Richmond minor league baseball team choosing the questionable name of "The Flying Squirrels," I'd like you to imagine that you are the new owner of a minor league team in Anytown, USA. What's your mascot? What major league team are you affiliated with? What promotions would you try to attract interest in the new team?
Hunter R., Greenville, SC: I have to admit that choosing a nickname from scratch is really difficult. No wonder so many franchises put this question to a vote. Here are a couple approving and disapproving thoughts about sports teams’ nicknames:
1) Be creative, but don’t insist on having unique name: There are 46 college teams named the “Tigers.” LSU is yellow and purple; Clemson is orange and white; Princeton is orange and black. They have the same name, but the traditions built around them are quite different. There is nothing wrong in going with Tigers over something ridiculous like UC-Santa Cruz “Banana Slugs.”
2) If you have to be unique, then choose a sensible name that has a local interest: Think, Pittsburgh Steelers / Green Bay Packers. Two of the all-time greats. It’s not that hard. Before Greenville Braves, and before my hometown went crazy with unique names, we had the Greenville Spinners (named such because, at the time, we were the textile capital of the world). There is absolutely no reason that Richmond should have a team nicknamed the Flying Squirrels.
- Quick sidebar: Should your team move to a new town, please, for the love of the Pete, give up your nickname. I hate the Utah Jazz and the LA Lakers. It is just complete and utter nonsense.
3) Stick with a noun. No verbs, adverbs, onomonopia. Use adjectives sparingly. Since the Greenville Braves left town, we have seen a slew of gawd-awful names that violate this rule. The Greenville Grrrowl (official spelling), Greenville Groove, Greenville Drive. Eeek.
4) Remember that your team mascot can be different from your nickname: The Phoenix Suns are a great example here. Instead of trying to personify a ball of fire, they put a gorilla in a team uniform and gave him a trampoline. Everyone, to this day, including me, loves that gorilla. Problem solved.
Using these four easy steps, I have come up with the Greenville Cherokees. “Gee Cee,” for short, seems to roll off the tongue well, and the initials would look good on a ballcap. Obviously, we would be affiliated with the Atlanta Braves. Being in close proximity to the Atlanta team would give the hometown people incentive to cheer for the rising stars of their favorite MLB club. Team colors would stay pretty much the same, so no one would be forced into buying team apparel that doesn’t coordinate. Also, we would get to retain the use of the “tomahawk chop,” a cornerstone of the franchise. I love team mascots that find a way to incorporate hand-signals to show fan allegiance. When you ask someone in Texas or Florida “who do you cheer for?” they simply give you the Hook’em Horns or the Gator Chomp. Enough said. The same goes for the tomahawk chop and Braves fans.
Finally, as for the promotions for my new ball club, I would make the Greenville Cherokees the first franchise that has people take the First Bat. Instead of inviting honored guests to throw out the First Pitch, I would give them a bat and let them take three swings. Think about it: Fans would come early to see celebrities take a few cuts; every time someone strikes-out or hits a homerun ESPN would run non-stop highlights; local sportstalk radio would analyze every hit the next day; and inevitably there will be several legendary hits and one corked-bat scandal. The upside to such a promo would have no ceiling.
Q: If you were given the power to rewrite any TV show that you thought had potential but wasn't quite good enough to be called a classic, which show would you change and what would you make different?
Karen R., Columbia, SC: An interesting question because there are so many reasons a show either dies outright or fails to become a classic. And because it forces me to admit I watch way too much TV.
First, you have the category of shows that are – on their face – such colossally bad ideas that it boggles the mind they ever got made. No amount of brilliant acting, writing, or direction will save them. Shows like Small Wonder – a little robot girl who lives in a cabinet in the inventor’s home and has wacky misadventures with the inventor’s flamingly gay young son. Or Manimal – a college professor who can turn into any number of animals in an effort to fight crime. Seriously. And who can forget Homeboys in Outer Space – thank you UPN for green-lighting the idea of putting two young brothers in space and having them fly around in the Space Hoopty, looking for action. The underlying concepts of these shows are so bad, I don’t think they can be rehabbed.
Second, you’ve got shows with a great concept but poor execution. Invasion – this show had it all. Alien/human hybrids! Government conspiracies! The strange but inexplicably hot William Fitchner! But the show attempted to imitate Lost with vague mysteries and “this means something, this is important” pronouncements and got bogged down. But this category’s poster child is Party of Five. Hands down. Man, I could go on and on about the wasted potential of the show about 5 orphans and their struggles after their parents’ sudden death. Sure, the premise is depressing. But it had good roster of actors, all of whom are pretty likeable (except for the later addition of Jennifer Love Hewitt). And it was on Fox during the same period as BH 9’er, so there was potential to have issue-of-the-week stories handled without losing the show’s lightness. Boy, did that not happen. That show got dark. DARK. Charlie’s a womanizer (who later gets cancer). Bailey’s a drunk. Julia gets the snot beat out of her by her boyfriend. Claudia’s anxiety lead to her sleeping in a tent in the dining room for at least an entire season. Owen ends up as the object of a bitter custody battle between Charlie-the-cancer-survivor-and-reformed-womanizer and Bailey-the-reformed-drunk. Jesus.
Then you have shows that are brilliant in idea and execution. And the network steps in and smothers the show in its sleep. Usually through the lethal combination of poor/ever-changing timeslots and shoddy promotion. Fox is legendary in this regard. They axed shows like Kitchen Confidential, Firefly, Keen Eddie, and Arrested Development for no reason – other than that they wanted more time for crap like Idol. But Fox is not alone – NBC killed Freaks and Geeks, CW offed Veronica Mars, and CBS murdered Pushing Daisies. These shows will never become traditional classics, but they all totally rule so I won’t touch them. But you guys should totes check them out on Hulu.
And you have the category of shows that had an interesting premise and promising first couple of seasons, then took a wrong turn and ended up unwatchable. Heroes is a huge offender in this category – great concept, good actors, interesting characters. Then they introduced so many new characters, motivations, and conspiracies that the show lost focus. And, as much as it pains me to write this, Alias also sort of fits in this category. The first, second, and (parts of) the fifth seasons were fantastic but seasons three and four were almost unbearable. Too much Vaughn, no more Will, less ass-kicking, more angsty weeping, and entirely TOO MUCH focus on Rambaldi. But the shows in this category have such strong roots, I wouldn’t want to trash them and start from scratch.
Which leads me to the show I’ve chosen to gut and re-do. NCIS. I know! Its successful and spawned a spin-off starring Mr. James Smith, whom the ladies love. But. You guys? Have you ever watched this show? It is awful. I recently spent the better part of a day watching an NCIS marathon on USA. Listen, I was sick and had misplaced the remote. Little did I know that after I put it on USA and fell onto the couch, I’d be too ill to get up and change the channel. If I had known, I’d have chosen an all-day marathon of those toddler beauty pageant documentaries that freak me out.
NCIS was a great idea for a procedural-type show. It would center on the unique cases arising in the military system. And it would focus on the crime-solving aspect of procedurals instead of the legal issues. Which would avoid the courtroom yawn-fest that dragged down JAG (which had its own problems – what do you mean the Navy is not actually riddled with lawyers that are also combat pilots?). Aaaaand then the concept is trashed by lazy writing. Mark Harmon plays the boss, Gibbs. I find Mark Harmon to be pretty likeable. I mean, have you seen Summer School? With Chainsaw and Dave? And an almost unrecognizable Kirstie Alley? But Gibbs is a humorless, insufferable, self- righteous character who is always right. This makes for boring TV, people. Why bother with an investigation? When Gibbs pegs Mr. X as the villain by minute 3, just go ahead and arrest him. The overgrown frat boy named Tony (played by Michael Weatherly, who was the dreamy Logan character on Dark Angel) is supposed to be a great investigator, but he appears to be around for no other reason than to make rude comments to his coworkers about their personal lives. Oh, and to make a series of film references. Then there’s Ziva who is apparently on loan to NCIS from Mossad. She’s supposed to be a trained assassin who speaks in stilted English (She doesn’t use contractions?! Like a robot?! How funny!). Also? We have exchange programs for assassins? And there’s the doughy McGee. He’s a computer nerd, so he’s clearly a social leper! He’s also capable of McGuyvering computer programs in 3 minutes with a kazoo and a walkie talkie. Abby the lab tech is qualified to test anything and everything that could ever be recovered from a crime scene. Come on! Even the dorks over at CSI have their specialties. Abby is written as being Goth – or at least what middle America would believe Goth to be – because she has black hair and tattoos. The interwebs have informed me that she also drives a hearse and has a coffin that she may or may not sleep in. Good grief. She is super-annoying, which is not helped by the fake techno music that usually plays in the background while she’s chirping about some test or other that she’ll run for her beloved Gibbs. And the doctor is a British dude who usually ends up telling some boring story or other in the course of reporting autopsy results. Like a less awesome Higgins.
I acknowledge I’m painting with broad strokes here – but this is the way these characters were written in every single episode that I saw on that long, long day. And the formula has worked well for the NCIS writing team – crime occurs, Gibbs grouses and there is talk of his gut instinct, Tony makes a snide comment, there is teasing of McGee about his nerdishness, Ziva makes a cultural faux pas, Abby bends the laws of God and man in arriving at some impossible scientific result, the doctor tells a boring story, and Gibbs is ultimately proven correct. Ta-dah! I have just written a skeleton for all future NCIS scripts. You’re welcome NCIS writing team. But America clearly loves procedurals – there’s no reason they have to be so damn boring and predictable. So my solution to this crapfest is pretty simple. The writers should get off their lazy asses and write the characters as characters and not caricatures. Let them be flawed. Let there be a surprise ending every once in a while.
Q: You are having a flag football draft from among Nickelodeon characters. You must select a quarterback, a center, a tight end, 2 wide receivers, and a running back. You will not compete with the team so don't take into consideration that you will play a certain position. No cartoons, only real characters (i.e., Hey Dude, Salute Your Shorts, Pete & Pete, etc.). Who's on your squad?
Travis C., Washington, DC: That's a good question, and a good opportunity for me to mention that I am currently in first place in my Fantasy Football League with a 9-1 record...No
Big Deal. I will approach this draft the same way and that is by starting with selecting a dynamic running back.
Running Back: Omar Gooding from "Wild and Crazy Kids"
It is no secret that he carried that show on his back and he will do the same for this team. Not to mention the fact that he went on to portray the crack-smoking All-Pro running back from the hit ESPN series "Playmakers". You can't fake talent like that, no matter how good an actor he may be.
Quarterback: This may come as a shock, but I am going with Telly Radford from "Salute Your Shorts"
Telly is a born leader and a natural athlete. Not only did she beat Scotty Rex for the Camp Anawanna Tennis Championship, but she was also the Coach and Captain of the Camp's basketball team, the Tigers, whom she led to victory in the Tournament finals against the Hurricanes. I have no doubt those skills will translate nicely onto the gridiron.
Center: Eddie "Donkeylips" Gelfen from "Salute Your Shorts"
This is a no brainer, he has a unique combination of size and fat. He has a bit of a mean streak so he won't be afraid to play dirty when needed and the fact that he spent his childhood summers at Camp with Telly means one thing for the two of them, thats right, CHEMISTRY, a crucial part of the relationship between a QB and Center.
Tight End: Open-Face from "Pete and Pete"
He seemed to be a bit bipolar with his hatred for the Petes and his love for Ellen so I think he can use those mood swings as a tight end that can get dirty in the trenches blocking, or roll out into the flat and delicately tip-toe the sideline while making a fingertip catch.
Wide Receiver: Ray Alvarado from "The Secret Life of Alex Mack"
Who can forget Alex Mack's friend and confidant Ray? He was the go-to guy on the hardwood and has great hand-eye coordination. Also, he was trusted with Alex's deepest secret and that signals to me that he is unselfish and a team player, I don't want any pre-madonna wide outs on this squad. Who knows, Alex may show up to a few games and use her powers to help a few balls find their way into his hands.
Wide Receiver: Artie from "Pete and Pete"
The strongest man...in the woooorld! Artie could skip rocks all the way to Neptune and ran the 40 in -3.2 seconds...thats not a typo, he ran so fast that time went backwards. His lung capacity is such that he once cleared all the debris out of the gutter on Pete's house by blowing, that means he won't be winded in the 4th quarter with 30 seconds left on the clock.
* Bonus: He already has a catch phrase, "Pipe!" , and a sweet pose for all the
In 2008, the Richmond Braves left Richmond and moved to Georgia after 42 years in the capital city. After a year with no minor league baseball, Richmond got the Giants' AA affiliate this year. The team had a contest to name its new team -- despite having over 9,000 entries, the team chose the following lame finalists: Flatheads, Hambones, Rhinos, Flying Squirrels, Rock Hoppers, and Hush Puppies. Seriously? Hambones was later disqualified because it is apparently the name of a dance performed by slaves. Flying Squirrels was chosen as the winner. The Richmond Flying Squirrels. The new name begs the question: is the Flying Squirrel the worst mascot in the minor leagues? Others team include such weird names as the Isotopes, the Iron Pigs, the Biscuits, the Nuts, the Rawhide, the Tourists, the Lugnuts, the Manatees, the Sand Gnats, and the Loons. So, yes, Flying Squirrels is the worst. Or at least second-worst to Lugnuts.
I've said before on this blog that I have been a Red Sox fan since 1995, but I started feeling guilty when the Red Sox won two World Series since I was not from Boston and really had no legitimate reason to be a true fan (other than going to two games at Fenway when I was 14). To compensate for my guilt, I became a Washington Nationals fan. Being a Nats fan makes sense because they are the closest team to my hometown in Virginia and their best player is former UVa star Ryan Zimmerman. However, the Nats are absolutely terrible. I cheered for the Red Sox this season, but I did not follow them as closely as I had for the past decade. Then something happened to rekindle my interest in the team from Beantown: the Yankees won the World Series for the first time since 2000. Watching the World Series reminded me how much I hate the Yankees. It made me want to get back on board Red Sox Nation. Part of the fun of being a Sox fan is cheering against the Yankees. So, I'm putting my guilt aside and coming back to the Sox. But don't worry, I'll keep up with my Nats too -- they might lose less than 100 games net year.
I recently started selling a few items on Craigslist. Craigslist is like having a yard sale one item at a time, but you don't have to worry about stalkers and vultures parking outside your house at 6 a.m. In fact, I recommend meeting the buyers in a crowded parking lot.
NBC recently canceled "Southland" -- one of the best new shows from last season. I feel like "Southland" is the first casualty of NBC's experiment of putting Jay Leno's show at 10 p.m. every night. I understand that NBC is taking its chances that some people would rather watch a funny talk show than the serious crime and hospital dramas on other networks at 10 p.m. However, Leno is not funny. Never has been. Moreover, "Southland" was the best drama on NBC. Fortunately, TNT knows drama and they are picking up "Southland" -- the first episode will be aired on January 12.
"90210" is in the middle of season two -- and yes, I still watch. I know I said I would never blog about this show again, but I have to make 10 observations from season 2:
10) It's better than season 1.
9) Silver is not alty anymore.
8) There has been no mention of Silver's blog.
7) Annie might be a worse actress than Naomi.
6) No one ever goes to the Peach Pit anymore.
5) Dr. Pepper must no longer sponsor the show.
4) It is still hard to believe than Dixon played Michael on "The Wire."
3) Fortunately, Donna and Brenda are gone for good.
2) Unfortunately, Brandon is still MIA.
1) It's still not that good.
If you haven't watched all season, consider yourself caught up.
Meet the dirtiest player in women's college soccer: #15 from New Mexico. She is the Bill Laimbeer of women's soccer. I kind of want to punch her in the mouth.
Q: Who are the top 5 TV/film coaches you would like to play for? Please explain your answers.
Travis C., Washington, DC
Chop Culture: Great question. I actually didn't need much time to come up with my answers for this one. Make sure to watch all of the clips.
5) Coach Bobby Finstock ("Teen Wolf") - Coaches my favorite sport and offers sage wisdom.
4) Coach Morris Buttermaker ("Bad News Bears") - Complete asshole but I am used to playing on shitty softball teams.
3) Coach Norman Dale ("Hoosiers") - My non-athletic hoops game is well-suited to the fundamentally-sound offense of Hickory High.
2) Coach Gordon Bombay ("Mighty Ducks") - I cannot ice skate and I've never played ice hockey, but how could I pass up the opportunity to be teammates with Goldberg and a pre-teen Pacey?
1) Coach Eric Taylor ("Friday Night Lights") - In a previous mailbag question, I picked Coach Taylor as one of a few TV characters on my deserted island (in a strictly platonic way). Enough said. Don't be ashamed if you shed a few tears on the clip below (you have to click on the link because embedding was disabled). Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can't lose.
Q: Why do you think Slater called Zack "Preppy"? Wearing a purple paisley shirt half unbuttoned with a t-shirt, tucked into acid-washed jeans paired with Converse high tops was cool circa 1989, but definitely not preppy.
Dave F., Richmond, VA
CC: By Hampden-Sydney standards, Zack Morris was not preppy at all. I never could understand why Zack and the kids from "Home Improvement" always wore button-down shirts unbuttoned. But maybe we should just be glad that Zack actually wore shirts with buttons. That's more than we can say about Slater. He preferred tank tops and weightlifter jeans (not to mention the jheri curl). In Slater's world, Zack was as preppy as it gets. What's interesting about the nickname "Preppy" is that it started out as a derogatory name (when Slater was new and feuded with Zack over Kelly) and eventually turned into a term of endearment (when Slater dated Jesse and became friends with Zack).
I think Zack looked and dressed more like a surfer than a preppy. If I wrote for "Saved By the Bell," I would have gone with a surfer-related nickname. Then again, if I wrote for "Saved By the Bell," I would've done a lot of things differently.
Q: What would happen to Lou Holtz if South Carolina played Notre Dame in the national championship game?
Hunter R., Greenville, SC
CC: Simply put, his head would explode! If you throw in a I-AA title for William & Mary, I'm scared to know what 'ol Lou would do. In five years at ESPN, Holtz has never picked his beloved Irish or Gamecocks to lose. No matter what. Much like this blog, he has no journalistic integrity. It is difficult to take his insight seriously when he refuses to be an objective analyst. The best thing about Lou Holtz is his Thursday night pep talks, which have been replaced by Dr. Lou for some reason.
Q: What are your top 10 most successful attempts by an athlete in the entertainment industry?
Ray L., Virginia Beach, VA
CC: Wow, 10 is a lot so I'll be brief. I am only including athletes that got a chance in the entertainment industry because of their status as athletes (i.e., Craig Kilborn played basketball at Montana State but that's not why he got on Sportscenter or The Daily Show).
10) Ray Allen: He was great as Jesus Shuttlesworth in "He Got Game" but he has not really pursued an acting career since then (except falling down when he gets lightly touched shooting a three. Zing!).
9) Mike Golic: Hear me out on this one. He was not a great pro football player and he is not an actor or entertainer, but "Mike & Mike in the Morning" is one of the most popular radio shows in the country. Golic is arguably the most well-known radio host among former players.
8) John McEnroe: By far the best tennis announcer. Movie cameos (Mr. Deeds, Anger Management, You Don't Mess with the Zohan). TV appearances (Curb Your Enthusiasm, 30 Rock). Part-time musician. Very entertaining.
7) OJ Simpson: This is not a joke. Hertz rent-a-car commercials and three screen gems (the Naked Gun trilogy).
6) Bob Uecker: Who could forget his role as announcer Harry Doyle in the "Major League" movies? Also starred on "Mr. Belvedere."
5) Charles Barkley: The most entertaining commentator on TV in any sport. He also had a cameo in "Space Jam."
4) Jim Brown: Former running back has an impressive acting resume.
3) Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: "Game of Death." "Airplane!" "Fletch." "Slam Dunk Ernest." Need I say more? Are you not entertained?
2) Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson: Wrestling is fake, but The Rock also played football at the U. He is a legitimate actor now. He is also one of the better athletes to host Saturday Night Live.
1) Shaq: Rapper. Actor. Entertainer. He will probably be a basketball commentator after he retires, but I guarantee he will do a lot more than that. He is arguably the most entertaining athlete of all-time.
Q: If you could only have 5 TV channels for the next calendar year, what would they be and why? And let's say you cannot watch any sort of TV programming online. Oh, and did I mention that none of your five choices can be sports channels?
Karen R., West Columbia, SC
CC: I skimmed the question, and then I read the last sentence just as I was typing ESPN, ESPN2, and ESPNU. So, I guess those channels are out. I would not select any network station (ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX) since I could probably get those anyway. I also will not select any premium channels -- HBO has great original series, but they show the same bad movies over and over. That would get old fast if I only had five channels.
1) TBS: If there was a draft for TV channels (excluding sports-only channels), TBS would be my first overall pick. Someone has actually asked me which channel I would choose if I could only have one channel for the rest of my life -- for me, it would come down to ESPN and TBS. It's a tough question. Think about it. You either get a lot of sports but countless reruns of Sportscenter and no scripted shows or good sitcoms with minimal sports. Since ESPN is not an option in this question, TBS is my clear go-to channel. I'd get baseball playoff games, mildly entertaining movies on the weekends, and good sitcoms (except for the TBS original comedies such as The Bill Engvall Show and anything with Tyler Perry's name on it). Very funny.
2) Food Network: Food Network is my default channel to flip to when nothing else is on. I like Throwdown with Bobby Flay, Iron Chef, and Diners, Dives, and Drive-Ins. I'll watch the shows where chefs cook in their own homes when nothing else is on. This channel would be especially valuable if I only had four other channels.
3) FX: Most of the time they show great movies, but they also have great original series -- It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Damages, Nip/Tuck, Rescue Me, The Shield.
4) TNT: Quite frankly, I don't watch TNT that often now. However, TNT knows drama and if I only had five channels, TNT would be a nice complement to the comedy of TBS. The channel also has NBA regular season and playoffs and 24 hours of "A Christmas Story" on Christmas Eve.
5) Comedy Central: Comedy Central edges out SoapNet (BH9er, The OC) and MTV (Real World, The Hills). Now, I watch SoapNet and MTV more often than Comedy Central, but I need some more comedy among my five channels.
DirecTV has a feature that let's you pick your favorite nine channels -- it's essentially speed dial for your remote. My nine channels are ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNU, TBS, FX, Food Network, MTV, SoapNet, and HBO. So, TNT and Comedy Central are not in my top nine channels at home but made the cut on my five channels here to even out my comedy:drama ratio. SoapNet misses out because of all the daytime soap operas. MTV misses it out because it is too trashy and stopped showing videos.
Q: The last mix CD you made me included “hits” such as: "If I Had No Loot" by Toni Tone Tony, "Twisted" by Keith Sweat, and "Set Adrift on Memory Bliss" by P.M. Dawn. Therefore, I am guessing that you don’t watch much CMT. There is a wonderful show called “Crossroads” on this channel that features two musicians or groups who join forces and sing each others’ songs duet style. Typically the producers choose musicians whose styles complement each other i.e. Sheryl Crow and Willie Nelson, and Kid Rock and Hank Williams Jr.
Recently, however, ratings have dropped and CMT has hired a new executive producer, that’s right, you. You decide to take a more unorthodox approach to scheduling the musicians in an attempt to attract viewers from a variety of musical genres.
After 3 wildly popular episodes featuring Insane Clown Posse and Charlotte Church, James Taylor and Three-Six Mafia, and Josh Groban and Lil’ Wayne, the CMT execs have decided to keep you on for the entire season. What is the line-up for the next 3 episodes? Explain the rationale behind your decisions.
Lindsey D., Nashville, TN
CC: I don't think I can top that Insane Clown Posse/Charlotte Chruch episode, but I'll try. I would come up with the following three themes for the upcoming season of "Crossroads."
1) Bands with dead singers/hip hop artists with a troubled past: I would match a controversial rapper with the living members of a rock band to perform songs from both artists. Projected lineups: Nirvana and Lil' Wayne, The Beatles and T.I., Queen and Akon.
2) Slow Jams/Jam Bands: Are they going to slow down the jam or play a 20-minute jam session? Are you going to bump n' grind or noodle your face off? Tune in to find out. Projected lineups: Keith Sweat and Widespread Panic, K-Ci & Jojo and String Cheese Incident, R. Kelly and the Disco Biscuits.
3) Reggae /Gay: Just as it sounds. Projected lineups: The Wailers and Boy George, Toots & the Maytals and George Michael, Matisyahu and Elton John. I would definitely pay to see Matisyahu and Elton John.
Q: Given UVa's victory over rival Chapel Hill, how do you think this affects the university's decision regarding their twit of a head coach Al Groh? Is this the excuse Virginia's front office was looking for in order to keep him on board through the duration of his contract? Furthermore, what do you think it will take to get rid of him, and who do you see potentially taking the reigns and bringing back some shard of respectability to Charlottesville?
John H., Brooklyn, NY
CC: I received this question in the mailbag before UVa's recent victories over Indiana and Maryland to bring their record back to 3-3. As a matter of fact, UVa has won 12 of its last 13 games in the month of October. Too bad Groh can't coach in September or November. UVa was 9-4 in 2007 so Groh had a longer leash last year. He went 4-0 in October and 1-7 the rest of the season. After missing bowls in two of the last three seasons and LOSING TO WILLIAM AND MARY earlier this season, I think Groh needs to get UVa to 7-5 this season to save his job. I don't see that happening.
As for a new coach, I can think of four potential candidates: 1) Tommy Tuberville (former Auburn coach), 2) Phillip Fulmer (former Tennessee coach), 3) Mike London (current Richmond head coach / former UVa defensive coordinator), and 4) Derek Dooley (Louisiana Tech head coach / UVa alum). Groh has basically given up on recruiting the southeast (including Virginia) and settled for recruiting the northeast. Whoever takes over as coach has to try to recruit head-to-head with Virginia Tech in the commonwealth. As much as I dislike Groh, it will take a new coach several years to get UVa back on track.
Q: Is there a movie that you really like that everyone else seems to hate (I own "Elizabethtown" on DVD)?
Dave F., Richmond, VA
CC: I think "Varsity Blues" is cinematic gold. IMDB.com users give it a 6.0 out of 10 (basically 2.5 stars). I sold some used DVDs to a music store -- they didn't buy "Varsity Blues" because it was "lightly scratched." I think it was really because they know no one would buy it. I choose to take this as a sign that I should never have tried to sell it in the first place. I'm sorry, Mox -- it won't happen again. Idon'twantyourlife.
Q: Chop, what is the best way to open a Capri Sun?
Andrew B., NYC
CC: Opening a Cap Sun is an art -- it took me almost two decades to figure it out. There was about a five-year span where I told my mom to buy Hi-C to save me the embarrassment of trying to open a Cap Sun in the school cafeteria. Once Hi-C discontinued Ecto Cooler, I decided it was time to switch back to my tropical drink punch master -- Capri Sun. My best advice for opening the pouch is to hold the Cap Sun with your non-dominant hand and squeeze the bottom, pushing all 6.75 fluid ounces to the top. Next, using your throwing hand, stab the shit out of the aluminum puncture zone with the yellow straw. Finally, enjoy the tropical nectar with a Handi-Snacks.
I recently turned 28 and it got my thinking...if I were a pro athlete, I would probably be in the decline of my career. I would be in the peak of my NFL or NBA career. I'd probably have a few major league seasons under my belt in MLB after spending my early 20s in the minors. If I were a pro tennis player, I'd probably be washed up. Golf is really the only sport in which I would be considered very young right now.
It's still hard to fathom that college players are so much younger than me. I still view them as the same age or older than me. College freshman now are 9 years younger than me and that is not at all depressing. In this June's NBA draft, there was a guy born after 1990 (Ricky Rubio) drafted for the first time ever. I'm not old enough to be Ricky Rubio's dad, but I am old enough to be his much older brother. If he were my brother, most people would think he was a mistake -- why else would our parents wait nine years between kids?
The fact that I should be in the peak on my NFL career right now makes what Brett Favre is doing even more amazing. I know most people are tired of hearing about Favre, but the ol' gunslinger can still play. He turns 40 this week and he is still a top 15 quarterback in this league. He is no longer a Pro-Bowler, but he is a perfect QB for the Vikings. They already have the best running back in the game and an elite defense. Favre brings leadership, and as long as he doesn't try to do too much the Vikings are a legitimate Super Bowl contender.
But I digress...time to work on my golf game. So you're telling me there's a chance?
This clip is two weeks late, but it's still awesome. If you think Gus Johnson only announces college basketball games, you better recognize.
Steve Spurrier finally got a signature win at South Carolina. The Cocks upset Ole Miss at home last night 16-10. I think everyone would agree that Ole Miss was a bit overrated at #4 and South Carolina is definitely a top 20 team so I'm not sure how big of an upset it really was. Nonetheless, I think this is by far the Ol' Ball Coach's most talented team in his 5 years in Columbia. Stephen Garcia finally gives Spurrier a downfield threat at QB and the defense is one of the best in the SEC. Fans have been waiting for the Cocks to compete for SEC titles under Spurrier and this year in their best chance to date. Unfortunately, Tim Tebow will have something to say about that. The Cocks have road games at Alabama, Tennessee, and Arkansas and get Florida and Clemson at home -- we'll soon find out how good they really are. ChopCulture's prediction: 8-4 (losses to Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee, and Florida) with a trip to the Chick-Fil-A Bowl against Florida State.
I am officially putting the Washington Redskins on upset alert. The Skins are coming into Ford Field on Sunday to play my Detroit Lions. No one comes into Ford Field and leaves with a win...except for the Vikings last week and every team that played there last season. But seriously, the Lions are due. And the Skins are struggling. I know many of my readers are Skins fans so consider yourselves warned. Lions 20 - Redskins 13.
Speaking of the Redskins, how about this rookie linebacker Robert Henson who talked smack to Skins fans via Twitter. Henson is a 6th round draft pick out of TCU who HASN'T PLAYED THIS SEASON. Apparently, Henson didn't appreciate the Skins fans booing the team last Sunday so he voiced his displeasure on his favorite social networking site. Specifically, he called the fans "dimwits" and asked how fans who "work 9-5 at McDonald's" know what's best for the team. There are several things I'd like to point out to Henson: 1) Are you serious?, 2) most fans did not know who you were before this so that's not a good first impression, 3) the next time a store sells your jersey will be the first time your jersey has sold, 4) you haven't played a down this season, 5) people that work at McDonald's probably can't afford to come to your games, 6) no one works 9-5 at McDonald's except maybe the executives (so I guess maybe they do go to the games), 7) if people really did work 9-5 at McDonald's then who's serving McGriddles from 6-9 or Big Macs from 5-close?, 8) who is the dimwit now? Henson has reportedly cancelled his Twitter account. Good call, buddy.
Virginia Tech got SO LUCKY against Nebraska. I get upset even thinking about it. Some Hokies fans burned couches. Others took a maroon sea to the bars. Tyrod Taylor and a fellow Hokie found another way to celebrate (see pic below). Not that there's anything wrong with that.
The parity that we saw in the ACC last year is definitely gone this season. There are no national title contenders again, but there are three very good teams (Miami, Virginia Tech, and Florida State) and three good teams (Georgia Tech, Clemson, and UNC). Wake and NC State are decent. Boston College is tough to get a read on -- my instincts tell me they are a .500 team at best. Maryland, Duke, and UVa are miserable.
I think Chris Collinsworth is a decent announcer (recently took over Sunday Night Football for John Madden), but he's always come across as kind of pompous, condescending, and creepy. I've always just assumed he was kind of a douche. It turns out he is. This video is old, but the dude is talking about hooking up with 14-18 year old girls. I'm sure your wife and kids are proud of dear ol dad.
Chop Culture is back. You can thank Dell for my absence. Michael Dell would be rolling over in his grave if he knew how poor Dell's customer service has become or how shitty the products have become. What? Michael Dell isn't dead? Michael, get your shit together! Your company blows! It took your imcompetent staff 6 weeks to fix my computer! Your outsourced customer service department tried to sell me a new battery, memory stick, and external hard drive while I tried to explained to them that I just wanted to get my f'ing computer fixed before I stated thinking about dropping more money into your joke of a company.
Ok, now that I've got that off my chest, let's get the ramblings started. A lot has happened since I last posted --- among other things Brett Favre is back, Kurt Rambis and Bill Laimbeer have joined forces to coach the T-Wolves, and I celebrated the 7-year anniversary of my 21st birthday.
BDF informed my that if you Google "Pinsky Family Salami," Chop Culture is the first thing to come up. That's awesome. It got my thinking --- what other Google searches would come back with Chop Culture at the top. Since I am at my work computer right now, I decided not to look up anything to risque. By far the best search that yielded a hit on Chop Culture was "Mr. Ernst Bromance."
Sports and TV have been slow this summer. I am excited about several returning TV shows. The following are my top 10 returning scripted TV shows this Fall:
10) Big Bang Theory (CBS) - It's kind of nerdy, but it grows on you.
9) The Office (NBC) - I wish they'd stay away from dramatic themes.
8) Eastbound and Down (HBO) - Rent Season 1 (only 6 episodes) if you haven't seen it.
7) Southland (NBC) - Ryan Atwood goes from Chino delinquent to LAPD.
6) How I Met Your Mother (CBS) - Give me more Barney Stinson and less Ted Mosby.
5) Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO) - The Seinfeld cast will supposedly appear this season.
4) Mad Men (AMC) - One of the best shows on TV.
3) It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX) - One critic calls it "Seinfeld on crack."
2) Damages (FX) - My favorite legal drama of all-time.
1) Friday Night Lights (NBC/DirecTV) - There are two reasons I just switched to DirecTV and this show is one of them. NBC won't get Season 4 until next summer. Ouch, Time Warner and Comcast subscribers.
College football is back and that is exciting. UVa's embarrassing loss to William & Mary was disheartening, but it does not ruin the fever for me. I really need to help ESPN out with their Thursday night halftime programming though. Dr. Lou (Holtz) is a stupid segment. It's time to bring back Coach Lou's halftime pep talk. Lou does not belong in a chair -- he belongs in front of the chalkboard and I need him to pump me up.
I just read a great book called "Dixieland Delight" by Clay Travis. Clay is a Tennessee fan who traveled to all 12 SEC stadiums during the 2006 football season and recorded his experiences. The whole book is outstanding, but one tidbit that I especially enjoyed was Clay's take on a hairstyle he coined "Bama Bangs." It's also known as the "Southern Swoop," the "frat swoop," or "tellums" (mullet spelled backwards). Essentially, Bama Bangs are haircuts that cover the forehead in a swooping fashion but are short like a regular haircut in the back. I am familiar with this hairstyle from my days on The Hill at Hampden-Sydney. A friend of mine even tried to tell me that I have Bama Bangs. Let me defend myself. First, I don't swoop up front. There is a bit of a party in the front and my forehead is mostly covered, but I promise you this -- there is a party in the back too. Except for the 2 weeks immediately after a haircut, you could even say I have a miniature mullet. So, in summary, I don't have Bama Bangs.
Is there a more lovable athlete in the world than Shaq? Is there even a close second? I recntly watched 2 episodes of Shaq's new TV show called "Shaq Vs." in which he competes with athletes in their sport. For example, he played homerun derby with Albert Pujols, swam against Michael Phelps, and played football against Ben Roethlisberger. There is always a handicap (i.e., Shaq swims a shorter distance than Phelps). Shaq is always entertaining and always adored by the crowd. He is surprisingly athletic at every sport he's tried. There is no doubt that the Diesel will be in a broadcasting booth or in some field of entertainment as soon as he retires.
Earlier, I mentioned that Kurt Rambis is the new head coach of the Minnesota Timberwolves and he hired Bill Laimbeer as his top assistant. Talk about a dream team of coaches! The scrappiest player of his era (Rambis) has joined forces with the dirtiest player of his era (Laimbeer). Rambis was the guy that did all the little things on championship teams. Laimbeer was the baddest of Detroit's Bad Boys. The combination of this unlikely pair would be like if Manu Ginoboli became head coach of an NBA team in 2025 and hired Ron Artest as his top assistant. Unbelievable.
GQ has put out it's top 25 douchiest colleges -- not surpringly, UVa and Randolph-Macon made the cut.
Why does every pro football analyst on ESPN called the NFL the "National Football League"? I know that's what NFL stands for, but why not just call it the NFL? Almost all NBA analysts called thier league the NBA. Next time you watch NFL Live, notice how rarely those guys use the acronym.
Chop’s computer is on the fritz so I’ll be guest blogging this week.
I am excited that the NFL season is only a few weeks away. I love fantasy football, so I am getting ready for my upcoming online draft. Most important to a good fantasy football team is a great name. I love the team names people create. Two great names I’ve seen are Romosexual Tendencies and My Dad is Travis Henry. Creativity is the key. Names with Vick themes were funny in 2007, but are now stale. I think my team name this season will be John Clayton’s Ponytail Mystery. I liked E li Curious; but no one got it, which might be a good thing.
Speaking of the NFL, I get the idea of throwbacks to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the AFL. They’re fun, but referees in AFL throwbacks? I am actually more surprised that the NFL designed something they can’t later sell at an 800% markup from the manufacturing cost. http://nfldotcom.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/officials_uniform_090334_blog.jpg
- Brooks and Dunn are calling it quits after 19 years. Wonder whose idea it was to split? Here’s how I think it went down. Brooks: Listen, we need to talk. I think there’s been an elephant in the room for years and we’ve been avoiding it. Dunn: I know. We need to clear the air and get this out in the open. Brooks: Oh, what a relief. I was so nervous. I guess you know what I’m talking about. Dunn: Brooks, it’s ok, it’s perfectly acceptable that we love each other. It’s time we stop hiding our feelings and come out of the closet. Brooks: Um, wow man. I was talking about taking a break from our band but now I’m just going to get the hell out of here. Brooks leaves. Dunn: (pulls out cell phone and dials) – Hello, Garth Brooks, it’s me Ronnie Dunn….I already have about 300,000 t shirts printed up and if you aren’t busy… -
Mini Mail Bag Chop can’t answer every question he gets. As a self appointed expert on food, Chop thought this one would be a good for me to tackle.
Recently, I have been supplementing my lunches with Doritos “Late Night Tacos” and Pringles “Cheese Sticks with Marinara Sauce,” which taste exactly as they sound. I appreciate the effort these companies have gone to make my potato chips taste like other appetizers, but the selections are becoming overwhelming. What advice do you have for someone who walks down the “chip aisle” at the local grocer?
Hunter R. Greenville, SC.
Hunter, it’s not uncommon to see men wandering aimlessly down the snack aisle. Hell, I’ve purchased cars in less time than I’ve spent on a single trip to 7-11. There are so many great choices. No one wants to look like a fatty at the checkout line with 7 bags of chips, so it’s important to make smart decisions. First, decide what flavor you want. BBQ? Sour Cream and Onion? Maybe something new, like Buffalo wing sauce or spicy Thai. Once you’ve got the flavor down, choose your crunch factor. Kettle chips are delicious, but are you in the mood for all that chomping? After settling on a potato chip, it’s time to pick your cheese snack. That’s right my friend, I recommend getting one bag of potato chips and one bag of a “cheese” snacks. These consist of Cheetos or Doritos. (Side note - our Jewish friends need to be careful with Doritos. Some flavors contain porcine enzymes, which are obviously non kosher). Make sure your cheese snack complements your potato chip selection. For instance, I often go with Sour Cream and Onion Lay’s with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. I balance out the cool with hot. Don’t get too crazy though, mixing two extreme flavors is often to blame when you’re missing the fourth quarter thanks to a combo of Spicy Jalapeño Doritos and Utz Crab Chips. I learned that the hard way during a Steelers game in 2007. Thank God I can hear Sirius NFL radio from my bathroom. Want the crazy new Doritos flavor? That’s fine; just pair it with a plain potato chip (and maybe some Tums). Don’t forget to mix it up with Fritos corn chips every so often.
When in serious doubt, there is a wonderful mix called Munchies, which contains Sun Chips, Doritos, Cheetos and pretzels. It even comes in three different varieties – cheese, ranch and hot. I think it’s a bit heavy for lunches, but perfect for game or movie watching.
I stick to the classics. If I wanted a taco or cheese sticks, I’d buy them instead of chips. There’s a reason Doritos’ top sellers are Nacho cheese and Cool Ranch. They’re great every time. Everyone has their own favorite flavors. Go with your gut feeling (literally) and don’t look back.
- Words of advice to MLB players – if you’re going to charge the mound, it’s wise to at least get in a punch. Kevin Youkilis charged the mound after Rick Porcello beaned him in the back. Youk charged the mound, threw his helmet at Porcello, and before you could say “Chowda” was body slammed to the ground by the Tigers’ young pitcher. Ouch. Youk will have plenty of time to think about his stupid actions while he’s suspended.
- I’ve been to the Carolinas twice in the past 4 weeks. Is there any doubt that Cheerwine is the greatest soft drink of all time? I say it’s the “Taste of the Carolinas”. My Winston Salem born intern agreed with me. I can’t tell if he truly believes this or was just blowing smoke up my ass because I am his boss. Either way, he brought me 3 two liters of CW this week.
I am pleased to welcome some new blood to this edition of the mailbag. This is the first time I've had more questions not make the mailbag than ones that exactly did -- keep sending them in. As always, these are real emails from actual readers.
Q: Long time reader, first time caller... I want to get your take on endurance sports like the Tour de France. First question is, does anyone even know the rules to this thing? Or does Lance just make them up as he goes? Next, how can this possibly be called a race when no positions move on the last day? The thing goes on for a month but there are only a few days out of the whole time period where they are actually racing as opposed to everyone just going the same speed and literally getting the same time for each day. Finally, let's say you were guaranteed to win -- would you even WANT to go through the grueling process and shall we say, "numbness" that comes with the territory?
Dave S., Atlanta, GA
Chop Culture: The Tour de France is one of the most confusing sporting events in the world. Hockey, lacrosse, and soccer have some complex rules, but they are still easy to follow and all have the same premise: score the most goals. Obviously, cyclists in the Tour de France must have incredible stamina, endurance, and lung capacity. I suppose that makes them superior athletes, but I don't understand the scoring system. Why are these guys coasting with champagne coolies in hand at times? Why is 30 seconds an insurmountable lead? Would you ever see Michael Phelps pouring himself a glass of Cristal BEFORE the race is over? I don't recall seeing the Kenyan guy that pulled away in the Boston marathon sipping a mimosa during the last mile. I know the Tour de France is 23 days long, but it's a race! Also, what makes France so special? Surely there are other cycling races throughout the year, but only this one gets any attention. I have not been on a bike in several years so I forgot about the numbness associated with an uncomfortable bike seat. I wouldn't be able to take that for 23 days. Some people care about the Tour de France, but -- to paraphrase Happy Gilmore -- green jersey, gold jersey, who gives a shit?
Q: You have a choice between spending your next summer at either Camp Anawanna ("Salute You Shorts") or the Bar None Dude Ranch ("Hey Dude"), which would you pick and why? Just to help with your decision, at the ranch you would be bunking with Danny Lightfoot of the Hopi Indian Tribe and while at the camp you would be living with Ronnie Pinsky of Pinsky Family Salami.
Travis C., Washington, DC
CC: I've spent the better part of a week thinking about this question, but once you break down several factors it is actually a no-brainer. I am assuming if I go to Camp Anawanna, I am a camper and if I go to the Bar None Dude Ranch, I will be working there (hopefully senior staff). I took the following 6 categories into consideration:
1) LOCATION - Salute Your Shorts takes place at a typical summer camp in an unknown state. Hey Dude takes place at a dude ranch near Tucson, Arizona. I don't like deserts. THE EDGE: Salute Your Shorts (even though we don't know exactly where it takes place). 2) BOSS / HEAD COUNSELOR - Mr. Benjamin Ernest and Kevin "Ug" Lee are both gullible losers, but there is no question that Ernst would be a better boss that Ug would be a counselor. Ug is a stickler -- not good for a camper trying to get away with something. Ernst is dimwitted -- in a summer job (as opposed to full-time job after college), a clueless boss is a good thing. Too bad Nickelodeon didn't show anyone sneaking some alcohol into the bunks. You know Ted and Danny were sipping some firewater behind the horse trough. I fully intend to have a beer with David Brisbin (Mr. Ernst) before I die. MAJOR EDGE: Hey Dude.
3) FOOD - Cafeteria food sucks at both venues so it really comes down to food that people sneak into the bunks. More specifically, Danny's Hopi flatbread vs. Ronnie Pinksy's family salami. MAJOR EDGE: Salute Your Shorts.
4) THEME SONG - Maybe this shouldn't matter, but damnit it does matter. Both songs are catchy, but I would only be able to participate in one of these tunes. EDGE: Salute Your Shorts. 5) ACTIVITIES - I've never been on a horse or lassoed cattle. I'll participate in a myriad of sports and water activities at Camp Anawanna. An awful waffle or two on some unsuspecting newbie will only add to my enjoyment of camp life. MAJOR EDGE: Salute Your Shorts. 6) CO-WORKERS / FELLOW CAMPERS - My co-workers at the Bar None Dude Ranch are Ted (cool), Brad (stuck up), Danny (kind of dorky), Melody (cool/hot), Jake (slacker/plays the tubs), Buddy Ernst (tool), and Kyle (country bumpkin). At Camp Anawanna, I would hang out with Donkey Lips (lovable loser), Budnick (trouble maker), Sponge (nerd), Pinsky (cool/salami makes him cooler), Michael (cool), Telly (black female tennis player whose real name is Venus, coincidence?), Dina (stuck up), and ZZ (hippie). I wouldn't mind hanging out with Ted, Jake, and Melody, and we know Buddy Ernst would provide unintentional comedy, but the campers are just more fun. SLIGHT EDGE: Salute Your Shorts. In summary, I'll always love Hey Dude (especially Mr. Ernst), but I'd much rather spend my summer at Camp Anawanna.
Q: What two people would you most like to see duke it out MMA style and why?
Michelle K., Columbia, SC
CC: I would like to see Mike Tyson vs. CT (from "The Real World" infamy) in a cage match with no rules. It would be an understatement to say these two men both have a short fuse. Neither has a conscience. The promo for the match would read as follows: "Two men. Two loose cannons. Two bad tempers. Zero emotional stability. Only on pay-per-view." CT is clearly a tough guy with an impressive resume of street and bar fights, but Iron Mike would literally eat CT's children. I'd pay to see it. Check out these classic Tyson quotes (especially the top 6):
Q: If you had to take a first date to a national chain restaurant, which one would you choose?
Hunter R., Greenville, SC
CC: Since we're only considering national chains, I basically need to choose between Applebee's, Ruby Tuesday, Bennigan's, TGI Friday's, Shoney's, Bob Evans, Chili's, IHOP, Outback, Olive Garden, O'Charley's, Golden Corral, Cracker Barrel, and Red Lobster. I can't take my date to a buffet. In fact, I can narrow that list down to Chili's, Olive Garden, Outback, and Ruby Tuesday. I like the salad bar at Rube Tubes, but a guy can't order a salad on a first date -- makes you look like a pansy. So Ruby Tuesday is out. Chili's probably has the best food of the bunch, but I don't want ribs or wings on a first date either -- too messy. Chili's is out. I used to love Olive Garden, but then I started watching Top Chef and Food Network and my palate become more refined. Despite the never-ending pasta bowls, Olive Garden is not authentic Italian food. It's out. By process of elimination, the first date must be at Outback -- split a bloomin' onion, two reasonably priced and reasonably tasty entrees, and a mediocre dessert. I probably wouldn't get a second date.
Q: Other than actual games, has ESPN become completely unwatchable?
Dave F., Richmond, VA
CC: Not quite unwatchable, but it's gets worse every year. It reminds me of when MTV stopped showing videos -- at first it's cool that new shows like The State, Buzzkill, and Singled Out are on all the time. Then the shows gradually get lamer, and pretty soon you're watching Date My Mom, Tila Tequila, and True Life: I'm a Transgender Meth Addict. You start to miss the videos. ESPN has too many talking heads now -- I like PTI, but most of the other studio guys are terrible. I seriously hope some of Skip Bayless' opinions are purely for show, but for some reason I think he is genuinely a jack ass. Some of ESPN's around-the-clock coverage is downright unbearable -- oh really, Ed Werder, Tony Romo and T.O. were seen talking to each other at practice today? That's not breaking news. Even SportsCenter is far from what it once was -- it used to be all highlights and anchors messing up players' names. Now it's a few highlights mixed in with a myriad of opinions and analysis, mostly from former players who are not that insightful (exception: Jalen Rose). Just show me the highlights -- if I really need more analysis and discussion, then I'll tune into sports talk radio. While I'm eating breakfast for 10 minutes at 8 am, I just want to see highlights of last night's games. Also, I had my poker phase and I still like Texas hold 'em, but enough already with airing the World Series of Poker three nights a week on ESPN. At least put that on the ocho with bass fishing.
Q: If you you had to give up your current full-time job as a blogger for Chop Culture and, instead, had to work as a cab driver in the city of your choice which city would you choose and why? What kind of cab would you drive?
Tony R., Baltimore, MD
CC: I wish the blog was lucrative enough to be a full-time job. But anyway, I would definitely be a cab driver in New Orleans. First, it is arguably the most fun city I have ever visited. Great food, music, sports, culture, and Hurricanes (the drink, not the natural disaster). Second, the traffic is not as bad as L.A. or Atlanta. Third, the streets are not as confusing as the grid system in NYC. Finally, life is laid back in NOLA -- you'd see some weird things, especially on Bourbon Street, but not everyone is in such a hurry like in NYC and other big cities. I would definitely drive a taxi van. On a related note, I think Cash Cab: After Dark should do a special week of shows in the Big Easy during Mardi Gras. I'll drive.
Q: You are the assistant superintendent of Kawaihae County Schools. You have been asked to interview two candidates for the principal position at the local high school, Grundle Magnet School. You interview Richard Belding and George Feeny. Who do you hire and why?
Lindsey D., Nashville, TN
CC: I know everyone between the ages of 21 and 35 idolizes Mr. Belding. I am no exception. Everyone wished their principal was like Mr. Belding, partially because he tried to relate with the kids and partially because he was clueless and students could get away with anything. With all that being said, this is a difficult decision. Keep in mind, I am the assistant superintendent. I am not a student anymore. Each man's resume is important. Mr. Feeny brings over 30 years of experience as a teacher, principal, and college professor to the table. He teaches life lessons. If he likes you enough, he will be your next-door neighbor, middle school teacher, high school principal, and then follow you and your friends to college and become a professor. He will refuse to call on anyone else during class. Belding's signature line is "hey, hey, hey, whaaaat is going on here?" Feeny's staple is "Mr. Hunter. Mr. Matthews. I'll see you in detention." Ok, I made up Feeny's signature line, but he is a stickler for the rules. He is a no-nonsense mentor. If Belding gives you detention, you know it will be easy to sneak out. My conscience is telling me that Feeny is more qualified, but...no, I'm hiring Dick "f'ing" Belding!
Q: MTV has just informed you that you have been selected to replace Brody Jenner on the next season of Bromance. What tasks or challenges would you have your potential bros perform to see if you would be bromantically compatible?
Karen R., West Columbia, SC
CC: Wow, what an honor! First, I would have to decide if I really need another friend or if I just want to humiliate some poor bastards on national TV. Upon significant reflection, I don't need another friend. The premise of my show would be part Amazing Race / part Japanese Game Show / part fraternity-style hazing. Season 1 only lasted six episodes (I heard) so I need to come up with six challenges for the desperate bros-to-be.
1) Scavenger hunt involving a lawn jockey, a mail order bride from Singapore, a 2-liter of Sundrop, and a mint condition Buffalo Nickel.
2) A friendly game of paintball. I'll be the only one with a paintball gun. We'll call it a bro hunt -- last one to get hit wins.
3) Similar to how Brody pretended to start a line of "slim-fit" jeans with glitter (I heard) to see if his bros would support his business, I'll pretend to start a line of Zubaz henley shirts and make my contestants wear them around town and try to sell them to clothing stores. 4) Four words: Kelly Clarkson karaoke jam. 5) We'll visit my hometown of Williamsburg, VA. The fellas will wear colonial garb (knickers, blouse, tri-corner hat, shoes with buckles, musket, etc.) all weekend. There will be a butter-churning contest.
6) Obstacle course that will combine the best aspects of Japanese game shows, Double Dare, and American Gladiators -- there will be tricycles, chicken suits, orange flags, ziplines, jousting, green slime, climbing walls, and super sloppiness.
Q: Much in the same way that I once dominated you on the hardcourts, I enjoy dominating my fantasy football league. Provide a list of "Chop's top-rookie fantasy picks for 2009." Also, as a tittilating aside, provide a menu of the food items that would be present at what we'll call "Chop's Ultimate Tailgate."
Gary E., Washington, DC
CC: Larry, first of all, we both know how things turned out on the hardcourts, but I will give you my 5 top rookies and my top 5 tailgating favorites.
Rookies:
1) Knowshon Moreno - RB (Denver) - Broncos always have good running game.
2) LeSean McCoy - RB (Philadelphia) - Westbrook will probably get hurt at some point.
3) Michael Crabtree - WR (San Francisco) - Don't know who will throw to him.
4) Percy Harvin - WR (Minnesota) - Will probably carry the ball as much as he catches it.
5) Brandon Pettigrew - TE (Detroit) - Don't laugh.
Tailgating food:
1) Chick Fil-A nugget tray.
2) Dips with Scoops (ASIDE: I'm a fan of Hunter Reid's unlimited layer dip, formerly known as 7-layer dip).
3) Brats.
4) Fried chicken (ASIDE: Wings are too messy at tailgates).
5) BBQ sandwiches (sliders, if you will).
What was I just saying about having a refined palate?
Q: Which do you think would get the highest bid on eBay: Keith Sweat's used colostomy bag or a ziploc bag full of R. Kelly's bellybutton lint?
