FINAL 2012 Bracketology

It is that time of year again and Chop Culture is kind enough to host my annual attempt at figuring out The Madness. This year was as tough as ever in finding the last few teams to fill out my bracket. In the end I felt the NCAA should reward great seasons and not average power conference teams. So with that being said Iona and Drexel are in at the expense of Mississippi St, USF and Seton Hall. The rest of the projected seeds are as follows:

1 - Kentucky, Syracuse, UNC, Michigan St.
2 - Kansas, Missouri, Ohio St., Duke
3 - Louisville, Marquette, Baylor, Florida St.
4 - Indiana, Michigan, Georgetown, Vanderbilt
5 - Wisconsin, Cincinnati, New Mexico, Florida
6 - Wichita St, UNLV, Notre Dame, Murray St.
7 - Memphis, St. Mary's, Temple, Creighton
8 - San Diego St., Gonzaga, Kansas St, Iowa St.
9 - Xavier, Purdue, Alabama, St. Louis
10 - Virginia, Southern Miss, UConn, North Carolina St
11 - Colorado St., Harvard, Cal, West Virgnia
12 - Long Beach St., VCU, Texas/Drexel, BYU/Iona
13 - Belmont, Davidson, Colorado, St. Bonaventure
14 - South Dakota St., Ohio, New Mexico St., Montana
15 - Detroit, Lehigh, Loyola (MD), LIU - Brooklyn
16 - Western Kentucky / Miss. Valley St, Lamar / Vermont, UNC - Asheville, Norfolk St.

Last Four In: Texas, BYU, Drexel, Iona
Last Four Out: Mississippi St., USF, Seton Hall, Oral Roberts

Mailbag

You may (or may not) have noticed that ChopCulture has been on hiatus for about a year. My last mailbag was posted on June 24, 2010. I could blame the Virginia bar exam for my extended sabbatical, but I really only spent three months studying for that bad boy. Quite frankly, I was just lazy for the other nine months.

During the blog’s absence, I expected my Twitter (@ChopCulture) following to be stronger so as to quench your thirst for semi-daily sports and pop culture observations, but many of you have been hesitant to join…which brings me to my first mailbag question. As always, these are real questions from actual readers.

Q: I recently joined Twitter (@chiefhunt) and I don’t know who to follow. Can you give me some recommendations?
· Hunter R., Greenville, SC

ChopCulture: Hunter, let me start by welcoming you to Twitter. Prepare to start getting your breaking news, sports updates, and comedy all in one simple location – iPhone and Blackberry both have very user-friendly apps. I was reluctant to join Twitter. I thought it was basically the celebrity version of Facebook’s status update – which is my least favorite aspect of Facebook. I didn’t care to know what some B list actor had for lunch. I signed up on the recommendation of @JGPraytor, and I was completely wrong about the purpose of Twitter. Now, instead of checking ESPN.com and CNN.com 15-20 times a day each, I get all of my world news and sports information from Twitter. If there is a sports trade, I know about it instantly. I found out on Twitter that we killed Bin Laden. I follow several UVa beat writers to get updates on untelevised UVa sporting events. I also get a tweet from Deadspin and a few other sports blogs every single time they put up a new post.

The worst people to follow on Twitter are athletes because 90% of them do use Twitter like it is a Facebook status update. Athletes are always either working out, eating, watching a movie, or tweeting about something that could get them in trouble. I don’t care if they are working out, eating, or watching a movie. If they are tweeting about something that could get them in trouble, one of the several sports journalists that I follow will keep me informed. I only follow about 100 people, broken down as follows: about 25 national sports journalists, 15 personal friends, 15 comedians, 15 writers associated with UVa or ACC athletics, 10 actors, 10 athletes, 5 people affiliated with the Detroit Lions, and about 5 national sports blogs. I would recommend that you follow –

1) @sportsguy33 (Bill Simmons – ESPN.com) – funny and informative
2) @ClayTravisBGID (Clay Travis – Outkickthecoverage.com) – SEC football coverage and funny commentary
3) @Rob Huebel – comedian with hilarious yet often bizarre sense of humor
4) @Deadspin – Sports News without Access, Favor, or Discretion
5) @sepinwall (Alan Sepinwall) – by far the best TV critic on Twitter
6) @sportspickle – witty sports commentary
7) @TFLN – texts from last night
8) @ConanOBrien and @Andy_Richter – neither will blow up your Twitter feed and both are usually funny
9) @slmandel (Stewart Mandel – CNNSI) – best national college football news
10) @Grantland33 – new sports and pop culture website featuring Bill Simmons and Chuck Klosterman

Hunter, based on your fanship – I also highly recommend that you follow the beat writers for the Atlanta Braves, South Carolina Gamecocks football and baseball, and the Jack Delhomme Fan Club.

Q: Have you given “Franklin & Bash” a shot?
· Adam C., Jackson, MS

CC: I have watched one episode of “Franklin & Bash” and was not overly impressed. I like Mark-Paul Gosselaar (how could someone our age not like the former Zack Morris?) and Breckin Meyer from their previous roles, but I have never been a fan of legal shows – with the exception of “Damages.” It bothers me when a crime takes place in the first 5 minutes of an episode and the trial has already started and ended by the end of the episode. Granted, I understand that “Franklin & Bash,” unlike most legal TV series, is supposed to be a comedy – even though it’s on a network that knows drama. I had to change the channel when Franklin (or was it Bash?) showed up drunk for trial and then high-fived a juror after his closing argument. Also, as a practicing attorney, I would like to sign up for the job that involves me hosting a hot tub party every weeknight. I definitely plan to give “F&B” another shot.

Q: What are the 5 most mentally unstable positions in sports?
· Jack L. M., Toano, VA

CC: I am only listing players from team sports, although you could argue that golfers and tennis players often become “head cases” when the pressure is on. My list of the 5 most unstable positions in sports is as follows:

1) Closer (baseball) – You have to be a little crazy to be a closer. You want the opponent to fear your game and you personally. The best closers embrace the loose cannon personality. Closers also usually have the best entrance music. For about 10 years, all Red Sox fans loathed Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” because it reminded them that Mariano Rivera was about to come in and end the game. Best examples: Brian Wilson, John Rocker, Jonathan Papelbon, Mitch Williams.

2) Placekickers (football) – Placekickers have good reason to be mentally unstable. If they miss a few kicks, they will likely get cut. They rarely get any respect, even if they make a game-winning kick. Sometimes I feel bad for kickers and their bi-polar role on the team…but then I remember that they make hundreds of thousands of dollars for very little work and very little risk of injury. Best examples: Scott Norwood, Gary Anderson, Ray Finkle.

3) Linebackers (football) – To be a Pro Bowl-caliber linebacker in the NFL (or as every ESPN analyst calls it – The National Football League), you have to want to murder someone. I would not want to make these people angry. Best examples: Ray Lewis, Brian Bosworth, Lawrence Taylor, James Harrison.

4) Goalie (hockey) – Why would anyone volunteer for this position? You have to crouch down and squat like a catcher the whole game (not just on defense like a baseball catcher) while wearing skates and then you have opponents relentlessly shoot heavy pucks at you for 60 minutes. You wear so much equipment that you are literally soaked with sweat after the game…a game that was played on ice. For these reasons alone, I suspect you are mentally unstable. Best examples: insert any NHL goalie here.

5) Wide receiver (football) – Football is clearly a game dominated by mentally unstable individuals. Wide receivers are not crazy like linebackers or head cases like kickers, but they are prima donnas. They are often selfish. They must have the ball. Just throw them the damn ball. They need constant attention. After touchdowns, they need props like cell phones, sharpies, and pom poms. One of them cannot spell “85” in Spanish. One of them spends straight cash, homey. Best examples: Chad Ochocinco, Keyshawn Johnson, Terrell Owens, Randy Moss.

Q: Is liking Justin Timberlake as an actor acceptable?
· Dave F., Richmond, VA

CC: Yes. I think the “Dick in a Box” skit from Saturday Night Live in 2006 was a turning point for Timberlake’s public image among men. Prior to “D in a B,” we only knew him from the Mickey Mouse Club, the boy band ‘NSync, his pop solo career, and as the guy that cried on Punk’d. We also had trouble understanding why Britney Spears and other girls were so infatuated with him. To some extent, we still wonder about this, but I digress. After his success on SNL, Timberlake came across more as a regular guy. I thought he was surprisingly good in the 2006 film Alpha Dog and even better in The Social Network. I never expected him to a be a lead actor in a movie (Friends with Benefits – which I have not yet seen), but he seems to be doing more acting than singing lately. Even though Timberlake has been one of the better hosts of SNL and the ESPYs in recent years, I am still not sold on his comedic ability. However, I am willing to admit that he is a good and likable actor.

Q: Should I start “Friday Night Lights” at season 1, episode 1?
· Adam C., Jackson, MS

Q: Most memorable line from “Friday Night Lights”?
a) Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!
b) Texas Forever
c) All of the above
· Tony R., Baltimore, MD

CC: Yes, everyone should watch “Friday Night Lights” – in its entirety. I’ve had some time to reflect on the show since the series finale, and I would rank it as the third best show of my lifetime behind “Seinfeld” and “The Wire” (“Breaking Bad” and “Mad Men” fans – I’m only counting shows on permanent hiatus). FNL made me nostalgic, and I didn’t even play high school football or grow up in Texas. The theme song made me shed a few tears every time. The football scenes were exciting and realistic (although it was frustrating that every game came down to the last play), but the show was about much more than football. It was basically BH9er with better athletes, better-looking girls, and more developed parental characters. With all due respect to Jim and Cindy Walsh and Sandy and Kiki Cohen, Coach and Tami Taylor were the best married couple in dramatic TV history. The show also avoided the “college years” dilemma by spreading out the ages of the stars in season 1 and bringing in new high school characters in season 4. It was a risky move because several key characters had to be written off the show when they graduated from Dillon, but it was the right move to make and for the most part it worked. As much as I loved BH9er, it was ridiculous that every single character enrolled at Cal U after high school. “Friday Night Lights” was in constant danger of being canceled – the show probably lasted longer than it expected to and bowed out earlier than it wanted to – but the series finale was without question the best series finale I have ever seen. I cannot imagine a better way to end a show. There are rumors of a new movie based on the TV show, and I am not sure how I feel about it. As much as I love these characters – it would basically be a movie based on a TV show that was based on a movie that was based on a book.

Q: What’s your favorite women’s sport? I think mine just became women’s soccer. I was most impressed with the attitude of the players. The men were wimps compared to these ladies. I saw fewer flops, less cat-fighting, less drama between superstar-diva teammates, no mutinies against coaches (see France), and Brazilian players that are actually human.
· Hunter R., Greenville, SC

CC: Tennis and soccer are definitely my two favorite women’s sports – and not just because these sports typically feature highly attractive ladies. I use the following standard to determine whether I really enjoy a women’s sports: would I rather watch a men’s high school team or a professional women’s team play the sport? Without question, I would rather watch professional women’s soccer or tennis than watch a high school men’s team play either. Conversely, I would MUCH rather watch guys play high school basketball than watch the WNBA. Likewise, I would rather watch any men’s or co-ed office league softball game in America than college or pro or Olympic ladies softball.

Although I have followed women’s tennis more closely than women’s soccer in the past, I think soccer may have passed tennis as my favorite women’s sport this year. While no-name Russian and Asian players have dominated women’s tennis in recent months (Williams sisters have been injured), the women’s World Cup captivated the nation this summer. I tuned into the US-Brazil quarterfinal game pretty much because there was nothing else on TV that Sunday afternoon. I tweeted before the game that Abby Wambach was Steve Nash’s doppelganger. At the time, I believed that making pointless observations like that would be more interesting than the game itself. I was wrong. By the end of the game, I was ready to buy a Wambach jersey and plan the rest of my week around watching the US team’s semifinal and final games.

I watched the 1999 women’s World Cup as closely and enthusiastically as any men’s World Cup, but then I forgot about women’s soccer for 12 years. I think this year’s World Cup will have more staying power than the 1999 Cup. The 1999 Cup successfully influenced young girls to care about and play soccer. The 2011 Cup convinced a worldwide audience that women can play soccer at a very high level and that women’s soccer can be as entertaining as any men’s sport. I also liked that – with the exception of some stalling and bad sportsmanship from Brazil – there was very little flopping and unnecessary gamesmanship in this year’s World Cup, which was a welcome change from the flopfest that was the 2010 men’s World Cup. Maybe I am still suffering from World Cup fever, but right now soccer is my favorite women’s sport.

Q: Following the women’s World Cup, there seems to be some debate about whether or not penalty kicks are a good way to end a game. Some people love it. Some people despise it. Your thoughts?
· Drew R., Atlanta, GA

CC: I was surprised at how many commentators criticized the rule of ending the game in a shootout. Maybe soccer purists just don’t like it. I don’t recall that many people complaining in 1999 or after the quarterfinal game when the US won in penalty kicks. I love penalty kicks. No one wants to play or watch soccer for more than 120 minutes. I like that soccer has overtime with no golden goal but after regulation and overtime, penalty kicks are the best way to settle the match. Who wouldn’t want to see a basketball game end with a 3-point shootout rather than double overtime?

Here is my list of the 5 most exciting ways to end a sporting event:

1) Penalty kicks (your goalie and 5 best players decide the game)
2) Basketball buzzer beater (especially in March)
3) Walk-off homerun (arguably the only exciting part of a baseball game)
4) Hockey sudden death overtime (works better in hockey than soccer because hockey is more fast-paced)
5) College football overtime (much more exciting than NFL overtime that almost always ends with a field goal)

Q: Did Ashley make the right decision on “The Bachelorette”?
· West L., Columbia, SC

CC: I would say yes. Ben put himself out there and made himself vulnerable, but it didn’t work out for him. J.P. took a leap of faith and...I mean, wait, I don’t watch “The Bachelorette.” How would I know if she made the right choice? I was watching some random baseball game or something that night. Let’s just move on.

Q: Would you rather have never had your umbilical cord disconnected from your mother OR be Gary Busey’s Siamese twin?
· Lindsey D., Nashville, TN

CC: On second thought, let’s keep talking about that Bachelorette finale…

2011 NCAA Bracket Projection

Its that time a year again and BZNation is pleased to once again provide a preview of what the NCAA Tournament could look like when it is released at 6:00 this evening. I am sure there will be many mistakes but it's fun to see how we compare to the actual bracket.

Final Bracket Projection

1 Seeds - Ohio St., Kansas, Pitt, Duke
2 Seeds - Notre Dame, Texas, UNC, San Diego St.
3 Seeds - BYU, Florida, Purdue, UConn
4 Seeds - Kentucky, Louisville, Syracuse, Wisconsin
5 Seeds - St. John's, Texas AM, Arizona, Kansas St.
6 Seeds - Vanderbilt, West Virginia, Georgetown, Missouri
7 Seeds - Cincinnati, Old Dominion, Washington, Florida St
8 Seeds - UNLV, UCLA, Xavier, Michigan
9 Seeds - George Mason, Temple, Tennessee, Utah St.
10 Seeds - Illinois, Michigan St., Villanova, Richmond
11 Seeds - Memphis, Butler, Gonzaga, Marquette
12 Seeds - Colorado, Virginia Tech, Georgia, Alabama, Clemson, St. Mary's
13 Seeds - Oakland, Belmont, Princeton, Indiana St
14 Seeds - Wofford, Morehead St., Akron, Long Island
15 Seeds - St. Peters, Bucknell, Northern Colorado, Arkansas-LR
16 Seeds - UNC Asheville, Boston, UTSA, Alabama St, Hampton, UCSB

ChopCulture on Twitter

I have bashed Twitter in the past, but after trying it out I am now on board. Since my blog posts have been few and far between lately, Twitter is a way to follow ChopCulture through videos and short posts. I will also announce new blog posts via Twitter. I will post Ramblings and Mailbags on the blog and post brief comments/observations/videos on Twitter. If you've never tried Twitter, give it a chance.

Follow me at www.twitter.com/chopculture

The Decision

I plan to write a lengthy post about LeBron's decision (or in Chief's words -- the Lebacle). The subject has become as overblown as Favre's decision to retire/unretire last season (and this season), but I need to put my position on the record. For "teaser" purposes, I think LeBron joining the Harlem Globetrotters would have been a better decision than taking his talents to South Beach and D-Wade's Miami Heat. Until I get around to full explaining my thoughts on LeBron, enjoy Steve Carell's Decision below (from the ESPYs).

Mailbag #5

This is my first mailbag since October -- I've had a lot of questions submitted since then so I could not answer them all this time. Keep the questions coming (mjfriedman1@gmail.com) and I will try to bang out another mailbag later this summer. As always, these are real questions from actual readers.

Q: When I read, I hear Kelsey Grammar's voice in my head. I do this intentionally to make reading more interesting. 1) Is this weird? 2) Who provides the monologue for your inner voice?

• Dave F., Richmond, VA

Chop Culture: 1) Yes, that is weird. 2) I narrate my own silent reading, but your question makes me want to reconsider that decision. Morgan Freeman is an obvious choice since he has served as the narrator for at least two dozen films, but I’d like to be a little more creative. Kelsey Grammar has a good voice, but after awhile you would have to realize that Sideshow Bob is reading a John Grisham novel to you inside your own head. James Earl Jones would be a sneaky good inner voice, but that choice might eventually lead me to build a baseball stadium in my cornfields. Upon significant reflection, I would choose rapper DMX to narrate/rap my inner voice when I read. Here is how DMX might articulate the opening passage from an English literature classic: “Uhh, where my doggs at, uhh, come on, Swiss Beatz, uhh, yeah, Ruff Ryders…it was da best of times, it was da worst of times, it was da age of wisdom, it was da age of foolishness…it was a tale of two cities, muthaf_cka!”

Q: If you had to cut one of the main characters from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” who would it be and why? And it can't be someone like The Waitress or Rickety Cricket -- it has to be Dennis, Mac, Charlie, Sweet Dee, or Frank.

• Karen R., West Columbia, SC

CC: That’s a tough question because the show will instantly be worse if I take out one of those characters. It’s similar to trying to take one of the main characters out of “Seinfeld” – each character in integral to the success of the show. One thing “Always Sunny” has done that “Seinfeld” could never do was add a fifth main character. Frank Reynolds (played by Danny Devito) was not in Season 1, but he has fit in perfectly with the cast without trying to steal the spotlight from the other lesser-known actors. Apparently, Devito was just a fan of the show and the creators jumped at the chance to have him join the show. I find it hilarious that Frank went from a successful businessman to living in squalor in Charlie’s apartment, where the two men share a futon and some raggedy long johns. Charlie is among my top 10 favorite TV characters of all-time. I think Mac, Dennis, Sweet Dee, and Frank are equally funny (and equally depraved) in their own ways. If I had to get rid of one it would be Frank. He is hilarious, but the show was funny (though not as funny) before he came to the show. The show would be worse without him, but I can’t give up any other character. After all, according to the gang, Mac is the brawn, Dennis is the looks and the brains, and Charlie is the wild card. Sweet Dee provides a woman’s perspective, albeit a disturbing perspective at times. If you have never watched this show, please reexamine the priorities in your life.

Q: If you could attend any of the following four high schools, which would it be and why: 1) Bayside High, 2) Dillon High (with Coach Taylor), 3) West Beverly High, or 4) Walsingham Academy? Please use comparisons of each school in your answer.

• Matt B., Morgantown, WV

CC: Well, I attended Walsingham Academy – we had some good times but it would obviously be my fourth choice. I will break down each school based on seven categories: 1) sports, 2) extracurricular activities, 3) academics / college placement 4) location, 5) posse, 6) girls, and 7) administration. The sports category is based equally on how good the sports teams are and if I could make the varsity teams (i.e., if I cannot make the team, they better be state champs).

BAYSIDE HIGH (“Saved By the Bell”)

Sports: Good wrestling team led by Slater. Decent football team led by Slater, Moose, and Ox. Slater was all-city in four sports. Zack was a star basketball player until he sprained his knee. If Zack could start for the basketball team, I could definitely make the team.

Extracurricular activities: No high school clique was more involved outside the classroom than the Bayside crew. For a self-proclaimed slacker, Zack was extremely involved with extracurricular activities. Student council, campus radio station, school plays, glee club, and school carnival, just to name a few.

Academics/college placement: Jessie was rejected by Stansbury. Slater gave up a wrestling scholarship to Iowa. Zack was accepted to Yale based on his 1502 SAT score. Ultimately, everyone ended up a Cal U.

Location: Bayside was originally in Indiana and then – for no apparent reason – Zack, Lisa, Screech, Belding, and the school itself moved to California. It would be nice to be near the beach, especially on senior skip day. The Maxx is a good hang-out spot.

Posse: Zack, Slater, Screech. Ouch. I am a huge “SBTB” fan, but who would want to hang out with these d-bags?

Girls: Kelly, Jessie, Lisa, Tori, Stacey Carosi (summers at Malibu Sands although technically she did not attend Bayside). Solid lineup.

Administration: “Hey, hey, hey, what is going on here?” Mr. Belding put the “pal” in principal. He flailed on the oil spill incident, but for the most part he was an effective administrator. “The Big Bopper” could spin some records as well.

DILLON HIGH (“Friday Night Lights”)

Sports: Good news = football. State champs. Bad news = all other sports. No one even discusses other sports. The entire athletic department budget goes to football. They might not even have a basketball team.

Extracurricular activities: Very few. Do pep rallies count? Julie is involved with Habitat for Humanity. Landry is a tutor. Riggins starts drinking immediately after his last class – if he actually shows up for school. What a great character.

Academics/college placement: Yet to be determined to some extent. Lyla went to Vanderbilt. Saracen goes to art school in Chicago. Smash plays football at TMU. The others are either too young (see: Landry, Julie, J.D. McCoy) or not the college type (see: Tim and Billy Riggins). Tami Taylor was a good resource for prospective college students during her time as guidance counselor.

Location: Dillon, Texas. Close enough for a weekend trip to Mexico.

Posse: Street, Smash, Riggins, Landry, Saracen. ASIDE: I am assuming I am in the same graduating class as Riggins so I am not counting the posse or girls from Season 4 at East Dilllon.

Girls: Lyla, Tyra, Julie. I’ll take quality over quantity with this group.

Administration: Guidance counselor/principal Tami Taylor. Coach Eric Taylor. Good leadership from the Taylor household. I’m sure Dillon High would love to keep them on the faculty/staff for a very long time…ohhh wait.

WEST BEVERLY HIGH (“BH9er”)

Sports: None to speak of. Tennis, anyone? The football and track teams had steroid issues. None of the main characters are jocks, although Brandon and Steve played some classic one-on-one games in the driveway.

Extracurricular activities: School newspaper, school DJ, teen crisis hotline (Kelly probably has this number on speed dial), dance committee, etc.

Academic/college placement: Andrea fulfilled her lifelong goal of being accepted to Yale only to snub the Ivy League and attend California University, every other main character attended CU as well.

Location: Beverly Hills, California. Not my scene. Peach Pit (and Nat’s sage wisdom) make 90210 a more favorable location than it would be otherwise.

Posse: Brandon, Luke, Steve, David Silver. If we could ditch Steve and David, we’d have a legit posse.

Girls: Kelly, Brenda, Donna, Andrea, Emily Valentine. In other words, basket case, bitch, airhead, bookworm, pyromaniac. Run far, far away from these ladies!

Administration: The gang seemed to have a good rapport with Mrs. Teasley, the vice principal. Hell, she let Donna Martin graduate.

VERDICT: 1) Dillon – I can’t play sports there, but the football team dominates and there is a solid group of guys and girls. 2) West Beverly – Brandon, Dylan, and Nat make up for the girls with baggage. 3) Bayside – even Kelly Kapowski isn’t enough to rank them higher. 4) Walsingham. Honorable Mention: Capeside High (Dawson’s Creek), The Harbor School (The OC), and John Adams High (Boy Meets World).

Q: If you could have a supporting role on any 80’s movie, what would it be and why?

• Errol E., Santa Monica, CA

CC: I thought about this one for about 0.0001 seconds…of course I would play Stiles from “Teen Wolf.” Speaking of which, what is the deal with the new Teen Wolf show on MTV? The new TV show is based on the 1985 classic flick, but it departs drastically from the original storyline. It’s not even a comedy, much less a cheesy comedy. Why even call it “Teen Wolf”? The MTV series is described as a "sexy thriller set against the drama of high school life with a forbidden, romantic love story at its core." "Vampire Diaries" and "Twilight" called and they want their premise back. This is why MTV has been one of the lamest cable networks of the last decade. I refuse to watch the channel unless TJ Lavin is hosting a challenge consisting of people that used to live in a house together or people that used to live in an RV together.

Q: If you had one day to live (for the sake of this question let’s say the day is from 6:00 AM to 6:00 AM)…and you had to spend it in Williamsburg, Virginia, give me an hour by hour breakdown of how you would spend the day?

• Travis C., Arlington, VA

CC: Wow, kind of a morbid question, but I guess I need to go out with a bang. For purposes of this question, I am going to assume that I’ve already said my goodbyes to friends and family, and this day is just about the Colonial Capital and me.

6:00 A.M. – Wake up in Whitey’s grandma’s room – I just realized how weird that sounds if you don’t know the context. Crush a Chick Fil-A chicken biscuit. Wait for Kirkland – my former boss when I was a pool boy/overglorified trashman – to arrive at work. Slash the tires on Kirkland’s blue Mustang.

7:00 A.M. – Steal a golf cart from the Woods Course – another one of my former employers. Go for a joyride and call in a Code Brown to Mounts Bay Pool (a Code Brown is pool boy lingo for exactly what you think it would be). Kirkland is stressed out and my day is off to a great start.

8:00 A.M. – Sneak into Busch Gardens through the woods. Kill time playing skeeball at the arcade. Hang around the petting zoo until the park opens at 9:00. Saddle up on a Clydesdale.

9:00 A.M. – First in line to ride in the front of Apollo’s Chariot. Hit up Loch Ness Monster for old times sake. Go to the “Guess Your Weight” game – even if the guy does not correctly guess my weight, I punch him in the neck and run off with my prize – a giant stuffed gorilla.

10:00 A.M. – Make my way to Colonial Williamsburg. Purchase a tri-corner hat and a fife. Direct traffic at confusion corner. Alienate tourists. Throw horse manure at kids in the stockade / pillory torture device while their parents take pictures. Churn butter. Shear a sheep’s wool. Make soap out of lard. The usual.

11:00 A.M. – Go to Walsingham (my high school). Bring Coach Caccetta (my gym coach/tennis coach/idol) a fresh pair of Zubaz pants. Coach and I team up against the 8^th graders in a game of floor hockey. Coach scores a hat trick within the first minute. Then he scores another hat trick. Then another. Coach has a hat trick of hat tricks. I am honored to be on the same gym floor with him today.

12:00 P.M. – Lunch at the Cheese Shop – the combo with cheddar is quite simply the finest lunch sandwich known to man.

1:00 P.M. – Take a drive to Sno-to-Go. If you are not familiar with this establishment, it serves a delectable treat that combines a sno-cone and an ice cream cone. Pure genius. I have no idea why this concept has not spread like wildfire throughout the nation. It is a moneymaking machine in the summer. But I digress.

2:00 P.M. – Head to my old neighborhood Windsor Forest on the west side of town. I head to “the park” for some wallball – I dominate Billy Madison style. “Now you’re all in big, big trouble!” It’s a hot day so I suggest some sharks and minnows at the pool. After that gets old, let’s clear out of the deep end for a biggest splash contest. My cannonball easily wins. Do I care that I am the only person old enough to swim during adult swim? No, I don’t.

3:00 P.M. - Break into my old house and take a nap in my old room. If you’re keeping track, this is at least my fourth crime of the day. Exit house before current owners return from work.

4:00 P.M. – Refreshed from a power nap, I head to Quarterpath Park for some pick-up hoops. Gus Johnson is there to give the play-by play. “Rise and fire…he got it! My name is Chop and I make buckets!”

5:00 P.M. – Time to stop off at Hot Diggity Dog for a light bite. What the hell? Hot Diggity Dog is closed? Who is the dead man responsible for this?

6:00 P.M. – Still hungry, I head to Pierce’s Pitt BBQ for some ‘cue. No, I am not counting calories today.

7:00 P.M. – Off to Monica’s Psychic Advisor to answer the age old question: is this place a brothel or just a money laundering scheme? Monica is definitely not reading palms. She is either greasing palms…or greasing palms. Let’s just move on.

8:00 P.M. – Hang out in the Williamsburg Crossing parking lot for an hour. No one else is hanging out. A passerby mentions that everyone loiters at some new shopping center called New Town now. I will stay here and rep my city.

9:00 P.M. – Time to call my PT Cruiser Limo since I will be drinking. Start off with a LeBomb James shot at Pitcher’s. Leave this cougar den as soon as I chalk clap Splenda all over the floor.

10:00 P.M. – Hit up Paul’s Deli. Order a hot Holly sub and wash it down with a pitcher of Natty Light – the best bar food and drink combination in the 757.

11:00 P.M. – For this hour only – it suddenly transforms into the night before Thanksgiving at Paul’s and I get to say goodbye to everyone I’ve known since kindergarten. I also get to snub people that I don’t like because I know I will never see them again.

12:00 A.M. – Go to Green Leafe to tell everyone inside that Paul’s is the best bar in town.

1:00 A.M. – It’s karaoke night at the 415 Grill at the Hospitality House. The crowd laughs as I select Kelly Clarkson’s “Miss Independent” but I win them over in a mere three minutes and thirty-four seconds.

2:00 A.M. – Dine and ditch at IHOP on Richmond Road.

3:00 A.M. – Go to bar/club Carpe P.M. The white trash dance club that likes to “seize the night” had a short run in the ‘burg, but it makes a one-night comeback in honor of my last night. I’ve never been happier to see people in jorts grind on the dance floor.

4:00 A.M. – Sneak into Water Country. Take a few laps on the Lazy River with an inner tube and some fruity drinks. Obviously there are no lifeguards on duty so I enter Big Daddy Falls at my own risk. I ride Aquazoid until my fingers are pruned.

5:00 A.M. – Head back to Colonial Williamsburg for my last hour. Go streaking down Duke of Gloucester Street. At 5:59 A.M., I literally climb into a cannon next to the gunpowder magazine and light the fuse. Blast off! I told you I had to go out with a bang.

Q: In defense of its relatively poor showings in prior World Cups, casual US soccer fans like to justify this by claiming that the best athletes in Brazil, Italy, Argentina, etc. play soccer whereas the best US athletes play other sports. Bill Simmons has echoed this sentiment many times over the years. Which US athletes do you think would make great soccer players? What would your lineup be?

• Hunter R., Greenville, SC

CC: I am considering all US athletes of my lifetime and I am assuming they will play on my soccer team when they were in their prime. I will not include athletes like Jackie Robinson or Muhammad Ali, who were before my time, although those two would probably be good soccer players.

FORWARDS – all about speed and finishing skills: 1) Allen Iverson (basketball) and 2) Michael Chang (tennis). Bench: Michael Johnson (track) and Deion Sanders (football/baseball).

MIDFIELDERS – all about stamina, footwork, controlling the tempo of the game, and above-average speed: 1) Barry Sanders (football), 2) Lance Armstrong (cycling), 3) Derek Jeter (baseball), and 4) Chad Ocho Cinco (football). Bench: Kobe Bryant (basketball) and Apolo Anton Ohno (speed skating).

DEFENDERS – all about intimidation, good tackling, and athleticism: 1) Mike Tyson (boxing), 2) LeBron James (basketball), 3) Ronnie Lott (football), and 4) Bo Jackson (football/baseball). Bench: Ed Reed (football) and Deron Williams (basketball).

GOALKEEPER – all about wingspan, reflexes, and instincts: Michael Phelps (swimmer). Bench: Stacey “Plastic Man” Augmon (basketball) and Rajon Rondo (basketball).

My starting lineup (4-4-2) would look like this:

PHELPS

BO-LEBRON-LOTT-TYSON

JETER -LANCE-BARRY-OCHO CINCO

IVERSON-CHANG

Q: If California Dreams and Hot Sundae appeared on Ed McMahon’s Star Search against each other, who would have received more stars and why?

• Lindsey D., Nashville, TN

CC: I don’t have the energy or imagination to dissect another “Saved By the Bell” question, but from the videos below I think we can all agree that both bands suck. If either band made it on the air, then Star Search clearly has a flawed screening process. The last video shows how caffeine pills can destroy bands worse than heroin.