Screech Needs Money

Dustin Diamond, who played Screech on 'Saved By the Bell" and then disappeared until his appearance on "Celebrity Fit Club" in 2007, has written a tell-all book about his time at Bayside High. Read the story below and then I'll provide my thoughts on Screech's revelations.

http://www.11points.com/TV/11_Most_Scandalous_Saved_by_the_Bell_Revelations_in_Screech%27s_Autobiography

1. Why did Screech wait until now to make these claims? A: He is broke, desperate, and a complete asshole.

2. Why did Screech only name one of the 2000 women that he allegedly slept with? A: She's was a person of power and now she's dead and cannot refute his claim.

3. Is it possible that Zack used steroids before The College Years? A: Yes, Zack got ripped before The College Years. Although I think Screech is generally full of shit, this allegation has a Jose Canseco feel to it -- sleazy but somehow a little bit credible. Maybe Screech was the Canseco to Zack's Mark McGwire (in other words, injected him in the ass with steroids).

4. Is it possible that Neil Patrick Harris "got gay" with Ed Alonzo (owner of The Max)? A: I'm not sure what "getting gay" means, but I know that Ed Alonzo and NPH are best friends. NPH would have been a teenager in the early 90s and was not openly gay at that time. Screech probably saw the "Top Chef" episode with NPH and Max and decided to throw some more dirt into the book. I call bullshit on this one.

5. Why does Screech hate on Kelly Kapowski more than anyone else? A: Obviously, he is bitter and jealous that she slept with every guy on the show except for him. There's other fish in the sea, Screech. 2000 other fish.

6. Do I believe that A.C. Slater raped a girl? A: This a tough one because there is an actual news story from 1993. The writer from 11 Points made a good point -- if a celebrity was accused of date rape today, it would be all over the Internet. Back then, the story was not very widespread. I just don't think Slater would rape anyone, particularly in his parents' guest house.

7. Who did Screech leave out of the book? A: Screech obviously loves Mr. Belding, Miss Bliss, and Tori.

8. It is possible that Screech picked up girls at Disneyland? A: Maybe an occasional awkward make-out session on the tea cups. I don't care how dark it gets on Space Mountain -- there's no way Screech was scoring.

9. Why was Peter Engel meeting with Zack and Kelly behind closed doors? A: Probably because they were the stars of the show. I hate to break it to you Screech, but you were a supporting character. Your role was to be a goofy loser, and you didn't need to be a good actor to pull it off. I absolutely do NOT believe that the genius that is Peter Engel (executive producer of SBTB, California Dreams, and Hang Time) had a bisexual threesome with Zack and Kelly.

10. Will I buy this book? A: No. Probably not. Maybe.

Ramblings

• I recently bought a Blackberry, and I must say that it has been a life-changing experience. Receiving emails, checking sports scores, and playing the Cash Cab app are all great features of the Blackberry, but by far the best feature of my new phone is Blackberry Messenger (BBM). Remember the summer of 1998 (aka Crazy Summer '98) when you spent hours on the family desktop on AOL instant messenger? Well, so do I. And now, thanks to BBM, I am reliving that feeling. It's more efficient than texting, but BBM is not a novel idea. It basically is IM for your phone -- I'm not sure why it took so long to come up with this feature. You have a list of contacts -- similar to AOL's buddy list. You can tell if the contact has received your message. You can also deny someone from being a contact -- kind of like that guy in high school whose buddy invitation you declined more than once. So, if you have a Blackberry, BBM me sometime (I would give my PIN but I don't really want to publish that on the internet). If you don't have a Blackberry, hit me up on my AOL Instant Messenger handle Chop6789. Sike.

• I think it's time to acknowledge that Peyton Manning is a better quarterback than Tom Brady. Yes, Brady has three Super Bowl rings, but that doesn't make him a better quarterback. It's like the Dan Marino - Joe Montana debate. There is no question that Marino was a better quarterback, but Montana has the championships and that makes him a better quarterback in the minds of a lot of people. Manning has one Super Bowl (and potentially a second this season), 50,000 career passing yards, 366 touchdowns, 10 Pro Bowls, 5 first team All-Pro selections, and 4 MVPs. By comparison, Brady has three Super Bowl wins, 30,000 career passing yards, 225 TDs, 5 Pro Bowls, 1 first team All-Pro selection, and 1 MVP. Brady has played two less seasons than Manning, but I don't think he will throw for 20,000 yards and 150 TDs over the span of two seasons. Although Manning is a media darling, most football experts have placed Brady ahead of Manning when ranking the best quarterbacks of all-time. That trend seemed to change two years ago when the Patriots lost to the Giants in the Super Bowl -- suddenly, Brady wasn't invincible in big games. Then last season, Brady hurt his knee in the first game and missed the entire season. This season, Brady was healthy and played well, but his team (despite making the playoffs) wasn't as dominant as it has been in recent years. Meanwhile, the Colts cruised through the regular season and Manning had another outstanding season. For the last decade, I have defended Manning over Brady is the debate about the best quarterback in the league. With the Patriots having less team success, it is becoming clear to everyone else that Manning is by far the best player of this era.

• NBC has become a complete joke. Conan O'Brien is by far the funniest person in late-night television and Jay Leno is by far the least funny person in late-night television (yes, I'm including Jimmy Fallon and Carson Daly on that list). I really hope that FOX picks up Conan and puts his show at 11:35 to compete against Leno and Letterman. I encourage everyone to watch Conan this week (supposedly his last week as host of The Tonight Show) -- he has been ripping NBC during his monologues ever since NBC announced that they would move Leno to 11:35. Unless NBC and Conan miraculously reconcile this week, I think Conan's last week of shows will be memorable. It blows my mind that NBC (1) thought Leno would work at 10 pm (instead of showing scripted dramas or Dateline) and (2) thought canceling Leno's 10 pm show and bringing him back to The Tonight Show was the best solution. Maybe's that why NBC is last in the ratings.

• Alabama is a well-deserving national champion in college football. You could argue that the BCS worked this season because Alabama beat arguably the second and third-best teams in the nation (Texas and Florida). However, you could also argue that the BCS failed because we have two undefeated teams. Who wouldn't want to see Alabama vs. Boise State now? Next year, Boise State plays Virginia Tech in the regular season on a neutral field -- if they go undefeated again, they deserve a shot at the BCS title game. If there are two undefeated teams from power conferences, they probably won't get it.

• College basketball is my favorite sport and now that the college football season is over, I can focus on hoops. Things seem more wide open than usual this season -- there are a handful of elite teams, but more "bubble" teams than I can ever recall. My hometown William & Mary Tribe looks poised to make its first ever NCAA tournament appearance after wins over Maryland, Wake Forest, and Richmond. The ACC has not been as good as advertised, but is pretty solid top to bottom. I would rank the conference third behind the Big East and Big 12 right now. Here are my ACC power rankings after a few conference games:

1) Duke - Not enough size to make a deep run in March.

2) Clemson - Needs to protect second half leads.

3) Georgia Tech - Young but talented team with good size.

4) UNC - Already has 6 losses but could easily win the conference.

5) Florida State - Similar to GT but not as talented (despite beating GT last month).

6) Wake Forest - Aminu is an ACC Player of the Year candidate.

7) Virginia - 3-0 in conference play thanks to improved defense.

8) Virginia Tech - Needs a healthy Malcolm Delaney.

9) Maryland - 8th-year senior Vasquez could lead Terps to NCAA bid.

10) Miami - Weak non-conference schedule and no Jack McClinton.

11) Boston College - Has lost four of its last five games.

12) N.C. State - Capable of upsetting most teams in the league.

• Until further notice, I am not watching MTV. I only needed to see 15 minutes of "Jersey Shore" to be completely embarrassed about the state of MTV's programming. I should mention that I watch a lot of trashy reality TV. I have watched "The Real World" since 1993. I have seen LC grow up before my very eyes. Tila Tequila's show was insulting to reality TV, but I kept with the network despite the fact that it aired a bi-sexual version of "The Bachelorette." Now, "Jersey Shore" is certainly not more offensive than Tila Tequila's show, but I have been looking for a reason to break all ties with MTV. I don't get the point of "Jersey Shore." I always thought the whole point of "The Real World" was to put 7 or 8 strangers from different backgrounds into a house with no TV and see how they interact. Why put 7 meatheads from new Jersey (which includes the girls) that are exactly the same into a house together? I can't promise I won't return to MTV for the next Real World / Road Rules challenge, but for now I am done.

• Former UVa head football coach Al Groh has been hired as the Georgia Tech defensive coordinator. It seems like a strange move to me. Groh is 65 years old and has not been a college assistant since 1988. I figured he would take a coordinator position in the NFL or take a year off from coaching and get a head coaching job at a lower tier FBS college in 2011. It is a good hire for Georgia Tech -- Groh knows defense, he is familiar with the conference and division, and as a coordinator he won't have to recruit or deal with the media very much (his biggest weaknesses). From Groh's perspective, I am surprised he would take a college job over a pro job. He was apparently offered the defensive coordinator job for the Miami Dolphins (where his old friend and mentor Bill Parcells is in the front office), but he turned it down for the Georgia Tech job. Either Groh does not get along with Miami Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano or he wants to rub it in UVa's face next season. As a UVa fan, Groh doesn't need to prove to me that he can coach defense. I know he can. He needs to prove to me that he can recruit, hire the right people, and execute a game plan. I know he can't.

• Jennifer Love Hewitt has always seemed like a quiet, reserved girl. And maybe she is. But prepare yourself for a WTF moment in the last minute of this interview with George Lopez.

• "Southland" premiered on TNT last week (since NBC canceled it to move Leno to 10 PM -- nice move). TNT is replaying season one of the show (only 7 episodes) before airing new episodes. I highly recommend checking out the show if you've never seen it. If you saw last season, the new episodes start in March. The show is on Tuesdays at 10 PM.