Q: Who are the top 5 TV/film coaches you would like to play for? Please explain your answers.
- Travis C., Washington, DC
Chop Culture: Great question. I actually didn't need much time to come up with my answers for this one. Make sure to watch all of the clips.
5) Coach Bobby Finstock ("Teen Wolf") - Coaches my favorite sport and offers sage wisdom.
4) Coach Morris Buttermaker ("Bad News Bears") - Complete asshole but I am used to playing on shitty softball teams.
3) Coach Norman Dale ("Hoosiers") - My non-athletic hoops game is well-suited to the fundamentally-sound offense of Hickory High.
2) Coach Gordon Bombay ("Mighty Ducks") - I cannot ice skate and I've never played ice hockey, but how could I pass up the opportunity to be teammates with Goldberg and a pre-teen Pacey?
1) Coach Eric Taylor ("Friday Night Lights") - In a previous mailbag question, I picked Coach Taylor as one of a few TV characters on my deserted island (in a strictly platonic way). Enough said. Don't be ashamed if you shed a few tears on the clip below (you have to click on the link because embedding was disabled). Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can't lose.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJZyNkw_q3A
Q: Why do you think Slater called Zack "Preppy"? Wearing a purple paisley shirt half unbuttoned with a t-shirt, tucked into acid-washed jeans paired with Converse high tops was cool circa 1989, but definitely not preppy.
- Dave F., Richmond, VA
CC: By Hampden-Sydney standards, Zack Morris was not preppy at all. I never could understand why Zack and the kids from "Home Improvement" always wore button-down shirts unbuttoned. But maybe we should just be glad that Zack actually wore shirts with buttons. That's more than we can say about Slater. He preferred tank tops and weightlifter jeans (not to mention the jheri curl). In Slater's world, Zack was as preppy as it gets. What's interesting about the nickname "Preppy" is that it started out as a derogatory name (when Slater was new and feuded with Zack over Kelly) and eventually turned into a term of endearment (when Slater dated Jesse and became friends with Zack).
I think Zack looked and dressed more like a surfer than a preppy. If I wrote for "Saved By the Bell," I would have gone with a surfer-related nickname. Then again, if I wrote for "Saved By the Bell," I would've done a lot of things differently.
Q: What would happen to Lou Holtz if South Carolina played Notre Dame in the national championship game?
- Hunter R., Greenville, SC
CC: Simply put, his head would explode! If you throw in a I-AA title for William & Mary, I'm scared to know what 'ol Lou would do. In five years at ESPN, Holtz has never picked his beloved Irish or Gamecocks to lose. No matter what. Much like this blog, he has no journalistic integrity. It is difficult to take his insight seriously when he refuses to be an objective analyst. The best thing about Lou Holtz is his Thursday night pep talks, which have been replaced by Dr. Lou for some reason.
Q: What are your top 10 most successful attempts by an athlete in the entertainment industry?
- Ray L., Virginia Beach, VA
CC: Wow, 10 is a lot so I'll be brief. I am only including athletes that got a chance in the entertainment industry because of their status as athletes (i.e., Craig Kilborn played basketball at Montana State but that's not why he got on Sportscenter or The Daily Show).
10) Ray Allen: He was great as Jesus Shuttlesworth in "He Got Game" but he has not really pursued an acting career since then (except falling down when he gets lightly touched shooting a three. Zing!).
9) Mike Golic: Hear me out on this one. He was not a great pro football player and he is not an actor or entertainer, but "Mike & Mike in the Morning" is one of the most popular radio shows in the country. Golic is arguably the most well-known radio host among former players.
8) John McEnroe: By far the best tennis announcer. Movie cameos (Mr. Deeds, Anger Management, You Don't Mess with the Zohan). TV appearances (Curb Your Enthusiasm, 30 Rock). Part-time musician. Very entertaining.
7) OJ Simpson: This is not a joke. Hertz rent-a-car commercials and three screen gems (the Naked Gun trilogy).
6) Bob Uecker: Who could forget his role as announcer Harry Doyle in the "Major League" movies? Also starred on "Mr. Belvedere."
5) Charles Barkley: The most entertaining commentator on TV in any sport. He also had a cameo in "Space Jam."
4) Jim Brown: Former running back has an impressive acting resume.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000987/
3) Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: "Game of Death." "Airplane!" "Fletch." "Slam Dunk Ernest." Need I say more? Are you not entertained?
2) Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson: Wrestling is fake, but The Rock also played football at the U. He is a legitimate actor now. He is also one of the better athletes to host Saturday Night Live.
1) Shaq: Rapper. Actor. Entertainer. He will probably be a basketball commentator after he retires, but I guarantee he will do a lot more than that. He is arguably the most entertaining athlete of all-time.
Q: If you could only have 5 TV channels for the next calendar year, what would they be and why? And let's say you cannot watch any sort of TV programming online. Oh, and did I mention that none of your five choices can be sports channels?
- Karen R., West Columbia, SC
CC: I skimmed the question, and then I read the last sentence just as I was typing ESPN, ESPN2, and ESPNU. So, I guess those channels are out. I would not select any network station (ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX) since I could probably get those anyway. I also will not select any premium channels -- HBO has great original series, but they show the same bad movies over and over. That would get old fast if I only had five channels.
1) TBS: If there was a draft for TV channels (excluding sports-only channels), TBS would be my first overall pick. Someone has actually asked me which channel I would choose if I could only have one channel for the rest of my life -- for me, it would come down to ESPN and TBS. It's a tough question. Think about it. You either get a lot of sports but countless reruns of Sportscenter and no scripted shows or good sitcoms with minimal sports. Since ESPN is not an option in this question, TBS is my clear go-to channel. I'd get baseball playoff games, mildly entertaining movies on the weekends, and good sitcoms (except for the TBS original comedies such as The Bill Engvall Show and anything with Tyler Perry's name on it). Very funny.
2) Food Network: Food Network is my default channel to flip to when nothing else is on. I like Throwdown with Bobby Flay, Iron Chef, and Diners, Dives, and Drive-Ins. I'll watch the shows where chefs cook in their own homes when nothing else is on. This channel would be especially valuable if I only had four other channels.
3) FX: Most of the time they show great movies, but they also have great original series -- It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Damages, Nip/Tuck, Rescue Me, The Shield.
4) TNT: Quite frankly, I don't watch TNT that often now. However, TNT knows drama and if I only had five channels, TNT would be a nice complement to the comedy of TBS. The channel also has NBA regular season and playoffs and 24 hours of "A Christmas Story" on Christmas Eve.
5) Comedy Central: Comedy Central edges out SoapNet (BH9er, The OC) and MTV (Real World, The Hills). Now, I watch SoapNet and MTV more often than Comedy Central, but I need some more comedy among my five channels.
DirecTV has a feature that let's you pick your favorite nine channels -- it's essentially speed dial for your remote. My nine channels are ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNU, TBS, FX, Food Network, MTV, SoapNet, and HBO. So, TNT and Comedy Central are not in my top nine channels at home but made the cut on my five channels here to even out my comedy:drama ratio. SoapNet misses out because of all the daytime soap operas. MTV misses it out because it is too trashy and stopped showing videos.
Q: The last mix CD you made me included “hits” such as: "If I Had No Loot" by Toni Tone Tony, "Twisted" by Keith Sweat, and "Set Adrift on Memory Bliss" by P.M. Dawn. Therefore, I am guessing that you don’t watch much CMT. There is a wonderful show called “Crossroads” on this channel that features two musicians or groups who join forces and sing each others’ songs duet style. Typically the producers choose musicians whose styles complement each other i.e. Sheryl Crow and Willie Nelson, and Kid Rock and Hank Williams Jr.
Recently, however, ratings have dropped and CMT has hired a new executive producer, that’s right, you. You decide to take a more unorthodox approach to scheduling the musicians in an attempt to attract viewers from a variety of musical genres.
After 3 wildly popular episodes featuring Insane Clown Posse and Charlotte Church, James Taylor and Three-Six Mafia, and Josh Groban and Lil’ Wayne, the CMT execs have decided to keep you on for the entire season. What is the line-up for the next 3 episodes? Explain the rationale behind your decisions.
- Lindsey D., Nashville, TN
CC: I don't think I can top that Insane Clown Posse/Charlotte Chruch episode, but I'll try. I would come up with the following three themes for the upcoming season of "Crossroads."
1) Bands with dead singers/hip hop artists with a troubled past: I would match a controversial rapper with the living members of a rock band to perform songs from both artists. Projected lineups: Nirvana and Lil' Wayne, The Beatles and T.I., Queen and Akon.
2) Slow Jams/Jam Bands: Are they going to slow down the jam or play a 20-minute jam session? Are you going to bump n' grind or noodle your face off? Tune in to find out. Projected lineups: Keith Sweat and Widespread Panic, K-Ci & Jojo and String Cheese Incident, R. Kelly and the Disco Biscuits.
3) Reggae /Gay: Just as it sounds. Projected lineups: The Wailers and Boy George, Toots & the Maytals and George Michael, Matisyahu and Elton John. I would definitely pay to see Matisyahu and Elton John.
Q: Given UVa's victory over rival Chapel Hill, how do you think this affects the university's decision regarding their twit of a head coach Al Groh? Is this the excuse Virginia's front office was looking for in order to keep him on board through the duration of his contract? Furthermore, what do you think it will take to get rid of him, and who do you see potentially taking the reigns and bringing back some shard of respectability to Charlottesville?
- John H., Brooklyn, NY
CC: I received this question in the mailbag before UVa's recent victories over Indiana and Maryland to bring their record back to 3-3. As a matter of fact, UVa has won 12 of its last 13 games in the month of October. Too bad Groh can't coach in September or November. UVa was 9-4 in 2007 so Groh had a longer leash last year. He went 4-0 in October and 1-7 the rest of the season. After missing bowls in two of the last three seasons and LOSING TO WILLIAM AND MARY earlier this season, I think Groh needs to get UVa to 7-5 this season to save his job. I don't see that happening.
As for a new coach, I can think of four potential candidates: 1) Tommy Tuberville (former Auburn coach), 2) Phillip Fulmer (former Tennessee coach), 3) Mike London (current Richmond head coach / former UVa defensive coordinator), and 4) Derek Dooley (Louisiana Tech head coach / UVa alum). Groh has basically given up on recruiting the southeast (including Virginia) and settled for recruiting the northeast. Whoever takes over as coach has to try to recruit head-to-head with Virginia Tech in the commonwealth. As much as I dislike Groh, it will take a new coach several years to get UVa back on track.
Q: Is there a movie that you really like that everyone else seems to hate (I own "Elizabethtown" on DVD)?
- Dave F., Richmond, VA
CC: I think "Varsity Blues" is cinematic gold. IMDB.com users give it a 6.0 out of 10 (basically 2.5 stars). I sold some used DVDs to a music store -- they didn't buy "Varsity Blues" because it was "lightly scratched." I think it was really because they know no one would buy it. I choose to take this as a sign that I should never have tried to sell it in the first place. I'm sorry, Mox -- it won't happen again. Idon'twantyourlife.
Q: Chop, what is the best way to open a Capri Sun?
- Andrew B., NYC
CC: Opening a Cap Sun is an art -- it took me almost two decades to figure it out. There was about a five-year span where I told my mom to buy Hi-C to save me the embarrassment of trying to open a Cap Sun in the school cafeteria. Once Hi-C discontinued Ecto Cooler, I decided it was time to switch back to my tropical drink punch master -- Capri Sun. My best advice for opening the pouch is to hold the Cap Sun with your non-dominant hand and squeeze the bottom, pushing all 6.75 fluid ounces to the top. Next, using your throwing hand, stab the shit out of the aluminum puncture zone with the yellow straw. Finally, enjoy the tropical nectar with a Handi-Snacks.
