Screech Needs Money

Dustin Diamond, who played Screech on 'Saved By the Bell" and then disappeared until his appearance on "Celebrity Fit Club" in 2007, has written a tell-all book about his time at Bayside High. Read the story below and then I'll provide my thoughts on Screech's revelations.

http://www.11points.com/TV/11_Most_Scandalous_Saved_by_the_Bell_Revelations_in_Screech%27s_Autobiography

1. Why did Screech wait until now to make these claims? A: He is broke, desperate, and a complete asshole.

2. Why did Screech only name one of the 2000 women that he allegedly slept with? A: She's was a person of power and now she's dead and cannot refute his claim.

3. Is it possible that Zack used steroids before The College Years? A: Yes, Zack got ripped before The College Years. Although I think Screech is generally full of shit, this allegation has a Jose Canseco feel to it -- sleazy but somehow a little bit credible. Maybe Screech was the Canseco to Zack's Mark McGwire (in other words, injected him in the ass with steroids).

4. Is it possible that Neil Patrick Harris "got gay" with Ed Alonzo (owner of The Max)? A: I'm not sure what "getting gay" means, but I know that Ed Alonzo and NPH are best friends. NPH would have been a teenager in the early 90s and was not openly gay at that time. Screech probably saw the "Top Chef" episode with NPH and Max and decided to throw some more dirt into the book. I call bullshit on this one.

5. Why does Screech hate on Kelly Kapowski more than anyone else? A: Obviously, he is bitter and jealous that she slept with every guy on the show except for him. There's other fish in the sea, Screech. 2000 other fish.

6. Do I believe that A.C. Slater raped a girl? A: This a tough one because there is an actual news story from 1993. The writer from 11 Points made a good point -- if a celebrity was accused of date rape today, it would be all over the Internet. Back then, the story was not very widespread. I just don't think Slater would rape anyone, particularly in his parents' guest house.

7. Who did Screech leave out of the book? A: Screech obviously loves Mr. Belding, Miss Bliss, and Tori.

8. It is possible that Screech picked up girls at Disneyland? A: Maybe an occasional awkward make-out session on the tea cups. I don't care how dark it gets on Space Mountain -- there's no way Screech was scoring.

9. Why was Peter Engel meeting with Zack and Kelly behind closed doors? A: Probably because they were the stars of the show. I hate to break it to you Screech, but you were a supporting character. Your role was to be a goofy loser, and you didn't need to be a good actor to pull it off. I absolutely do NOT believe that the genius that is Peter Engel (executive producer of SBTB, California Dreams, and Hang Time) had a bisexual threesome with Zack and Kelly.

10. Will I buy this book? A: No. Probably not. Maybe.

Ramblings

• I recently bought a Blackberry, and I must say that it has been a life-changing experience. Receiving emails, checking sports scores, and playing the Cash Cab app are all great features of the Blackberry, but by far the best feature of my new phone is Blackberry Messenger (BBM). Remember the summer of 1998 (aka Crazy Summer '98) when you spent hours on the family desktop on AOL instant messenger? Well, so do I. And now, thanks to BBM, I am reliving that feeling. It's more efficient than texting, but BBM is not a novel idea. It basically is IM for your phone -- I'm not sure why it took so long to come up with this feature. You have a list of contacts -- similar to AOL's buddy list. You can tell if the contact has received your message. You can also deny someone from being a contact -- kind of like that guy in high school whose buddy invitation you declined more than once. So, if you have a Blackberry, BBM me sometime (I would give my PIN but I don't really want to publish that on the internet). If you don't have a Blackberry, hit me up on my AOL Instant Messenger handle Chop6789. Sike.

• I think it's time to acknowledge that Peyton Manning is a better quarterback than Tom Brady. Yes, Brady has three Super Bowl rings, but that doesn't make him a better quarterback. It's like the Dan Marino - Joe Montana debate. There is no question that Marino was a better quarterback, but Montana has the championships and that makes him a better quarterback in the minds of a lot of people. Manning has one Super Bowl (and potentially a second this season), 50,000 career passing yards, 366 touchdowns, 10 Pro Bowls, 5 first team All-Pro selections, and 4 MVPs. By comparison, Brady has three Super Bowl wins, 30,000 career passing yards, 225 TDs, 5 Pro Bowls, 1 first team All-Pro selection, and 1 MVP. Brady has played two less seasons than Manning, but I don't think he will throw for 20,000 yards and 150 TDs over the span of two seasons. Although Manning is a media darling, most football experts have placed Brady ahead of Manning when ranking the best quarterbacks of all-time. That trend seemed to change two years ago when the Patriots lost to the Giants in the Super Bowl -- suddenly, Brady wasn't invincible in big games. Then last season, Brady hurt his knee in the first game and missed the entire season. This season, Brady was healthy and played well, but his team (despite making the playoffs) wasn't as dominant as it has been in recent years. Meanwhile, the Colts cruised through the regular season and Manning had another outstanding season. For the last decade, I have defended Manning over Brady is the debate about the best quarterback in the league. With the Patriots having less team success, it is becoming clear to everyone else that Manning is by far the best player of this era.

• NBC has become a complete joke. Conan O'Brien is by far the funniest person in late-night television and Jay Leno is by far the least funny person in late-night television (yes, I'm including Jimmy Fallon and Carson Daly on that list). I really hope that FOX picks up Conan and puts his show at 11:35 to compete against Leno and Letterman. I encourage everyone to watch Conan this week (supposedly his last week as host of The Tonight Show) -- he has been ripping NBC during his monologues ever since NBC announced that they would move Leno to 11:35. Unless NBC and Conan miraculously reconcile this week, I think Conan's last week of shows will be memorable. It blows my mind that NBC (1) thought Leno would work at 10 pm (instead of showing scripted dramas or Dateline) and (2) thought canceling Leno's 10 pm show and bringing him back to The Tonight Show was the best solution. Maybe's that why NBC is last in the ratings.

• Alabama is a well-deserving national champion in college football. You could argue that the BCS worked this season because Alabama beat arguably the second and third-best teams in the nation (Texas and Florida). However, you could also argue that the BCS failed because we have two undefeated teams. Who wouldn't want to see Alabama vs. Boise State now? Next year, Boise State plays Virginia Tech in the regular season on a neutral field -- if they go undefeated again, they deserve a shot at the BCS title game. If there are two undefeated teams from power conferences, they probably won't get it.

• College basketball is my favorite sport and now that the college football season is over, I can focus on hoops. Things seem more wide open than usual this season -- there are a handful of elite teams, but more "bubble" teams than I can ever recall. My hometown William & Mary Tribe looks poised to make its first ever NCAA tournament appearance after wins over Maryland, Wake Forest, and Richmond. The ACC has not been as good as advertised, but is pretty solid top to bottom. I would rank the conference third behind the Big East and Big 12 right now. Here are my ACC power rankings after a few conference games:

1) Duke - Not enough size to make a deep run in March.

2) Clemson - Needs to protect second half leads.

3) Georgia Tech - Young but talented team with good size.

4) UNC - Already has 6 losses but could easily win the conference.

5) Florida State - Similar to GT but not as talented (despite beating GT last month).

6) Wake Forest - Aminu is an ACC Player of the Year candidate.

7) Virginia - 3-0 in conference play thanks to improved defense.

8) Virginia Tech - Needs a healthy Malcolm Delaney.

9) Maryland - 8th-year senior Vasquez could lead Terps to NCAA bid.

10) Miami - Weak non-conference schedule and no Jack McClinton.

11) Boston College - Has lost four of its last five games.

12) N.C. State - Capable of upsetting most teams in the league.

• Until further notice, I am not watching MTV. I only needed to see 15 minutes of "Jersey Shore" to be completely embarrassed about the state of MTV's programming. I should mention that I watch a lot of trashy reality TV. I have watched "The Real World" since 1993. I have seen LC grow up before my very eyes. Tila Tequila's show was insulting to reality TV, but I kept with the network despite the fact that it aired a bi-sexual version of "The Bachelorette." Now, "Jersey Shore" is certainly not more offensive than Tila Tequila's show, but I have been looking for a reason to break all ties with MTV. I don't get the point of "Jersey Shore." I always thought the whole point of "The Real World" was to put 7 or 8 strangers from different backgrounds into a house with no TV and see how they interact. Why put 7 meatheads from new Jersey (which includes the girls) that are exactly the same into a house together? I can't promise I won't return to MTV for the next Real World / Road Rules challenge, but for now I am done.

• Former UVa head football coach Al Groh has been hired as the Georgia Tech defensive coordinator. It seems like a strange move to me. Groh is 65 years old and has not been a college assistant since 1988. I figured he would take a coordinator position in the NFL or take a year off from coaching and get a head coaching job at a lower tier FBS college in 2011. It is a good hire for Georgia Tech -- Groh knows defense, he is familiar with the conference and division, and as a coordinator he won't have to recruit or deal with the media very much (his biggest weaknesses). From Groh's perspective, I am surprised he would take a college job over a pro job. He was apparently offered the defensive coordinator job for the Miami Dolphins (where his old friend and mentor Bill Parcells is in the front office), but he turned it down for the Georgia Tech job. Either Groh does not get along with Miami Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano or he wants to rub it in UVa's face next season. As a UVa fan, Groh doesn't need to prove to me that he can coach defense. I know he can. He needs to prove to me that he can recruit, hire the right people, and execute a game plan. I know he can't.

• Jennifer Love Hewitt has always seemed like a quiet, reserved girl. And maybe she is. But prepare yourself for a WTF moment in the last minute of this interview with George Lopez.

• "Southland" premiered on TNT last week (since NBC canceled it to move Leno to 10 PM -- nice move). TNT is replaying season one of the show (only 7 episodes) before airing new episodes. I highly recommend checking out the show if you've never seen it. If you saw last season, the new episodes start in March. The show is on Tuesdays at 10 PM.

Ramblings

• Happy Holidays to you and yours. Peppermint bark...ain't nothing wrong with that!

• I really, really like lists, and even I am sick of every website making dozens of "best of the decade" lists. So, as badly as I want to, I will refrain from listing my top 10 movies, albums, athletes, commercials, books, and bad UVa football coaches of the decade.

• In my opinion, Texas is the best college basketball team in the nation right now. It is crazy that Kevin Durant AND D.J. Augustin could still be there now. If they had stayed in school, both of them would be seniors. Similarly, Ohio State is a borderline top 25 team and they could still have Greg Oden, Mike Conley, Daequan Cook, Kosta Koufos, and B.J. Mullens. I am glad that the NBA at least imposed an age requirement, but I am such a college basketball purist that I wish more guys would stay four years.

• I don't know if I'm more scared or excited about what technology will come out in the next decade. In 1999, words and phrases like Blackberry, HDTV, DVR, Blu-ray, tweet, GPS, and Wii meant nothing to me. For all we know, we might be driving flying cars (like in "Back to the Future II") in 2019. More likely, we'll have a gadget (like a Blackberry) that is our phone, computer, TV, mp3 player, and several others things that I can't even fathom. Our kids will think the current iPods and laptops are complete jokes.

• I think the Tiger Woods story is far from over. There is more to this story. When the report first came out about the accident, my first reaction was shock immediately followed by concern about his health (news stations irresponsibly reported that he was in serious condition). Once I realized that it was a one-car accident outside his driveway, it seemed odd but it was a relief that he was not seriously injured. I thought some logical explanation would surface and that would be the end of it. Then I found out the accident was at 2:30 a.m. and I knew something bad had happened -- the only reasons a married man leaves his house at 2:30 a.m. are 1) he's drunk, 2) he's been in a domestic dispute, 3) he's meeting another woman, or 4) he's buying drugs. None of the above seemed to fit Tiger. His wife breaking the rear window with a golf club to help get him out just doesn't sit well with me -- he's in the front seat and he weighs about 200 pounds. I think she hit the back windshield before the wreck. But I digress. Obviously, even after all this came out, I was still shocked that Tiger had 10-15 women on the side. I would've been less shocked to learn that Tiger was taking performance-enhancing drugs. Now, I wouldn't be shocked at all if that comes to light as well.

• As this decade comes to an end, it made me realize that this decade has produced the worst music since the 1950s. Sure, there have been some good things to come out this decade (mostly in the alty rock genre), but even the 80s had more good music than the 2000s. If I had to rank the last 5 decades in terms of the music that came out in each respective decade, the list would be as follows: 1) 70s, 2) 90s, 3) 60s, 4) 80s, 5) 2000s. Yes, the early rock and doo wop groups of the 60s and the hair bands of the 80s have more staying power than the collection of music produced in the last ten years. On the positive side, John Mayer has gotten less douchy as the decade has gone by. I think the less he tried to get laid, the better his guitar skills got and the better his songs got. Having said that, he is still a douche (and still getting laid a lot more than he should).

• The BCS system worked about as well as it could possibly work this year, but it still sucks. I think the two best teams (Alabama and Texas) are playing for the title and I am glad to see undefeated Cincinnati play Florida, but there are five undefeated teams. Why have Boise and TCU play each other? I'd rather see, for example, Georgia Tech vs. TCU and Penn St. (not Iowa) vs. Boise St. The we could see how good Boise and TCU really are. Of course, it would be possible to end up with four undefeated teams if we did that, but we could also end up with just one. With the current matchups, we will end up with at least two undefeated teams. This year would be perfect for an 8-team playoff. There would be some controversy about who would get the last two spots, but that's better than having controversy about the BCS title game. We could still have the other meaningless bowls so schools and conferences would still make the same amount of money -- we would just add 3 games (semifinals and final). We would play the quaterfinals before Christmas, the semifinals around New Year's Day, and the title game around January 7 or 8 (as it is now). Thus, looking at the teams in my hypothetical playoff, the matchups would be as follows: 1) Alabama vs. 8) Oregon, 2) Texas vs. 7) Ohio State, 3) Cincinnati vs. 6) Florida, 4) TCU vs. 5) Boise St. Georgia Tech gets "screwed" in my hypothetical - but when you lose to a mediocre Georgia team in the season finale, you should fall to the Chick-Fil-A Bowl. I realize that TCU and Boise would still be playing each other, but then the winner would earn the right to play Alabama in the semifinals. Thus, if we play it all out, the semifinals would likely be 1) Alabama vs. 4) TCU and 2) Texas vs. 6) Florida. We would likely get the same Texas-Alabama title game that we already have, but it would be more interesting and less controversial. Again, I'm not saying it is that controversial this year, but the BCS just got lucky this year.

• If you've never seen the TV show "Damages," do yourself a favor and rent (or check out from the public library) seasons 1 and 2 as soon as possible. Season 3 begins January 25 on fX so you have time to catch up. It is easily one of the five best legal dramas of my lifetime -- I'd argue it's the best. Unlike most law dramas, a murder case doesn't get set for trial the same episode as the murder itself. If the pilot episode doesn't suck you in, then the show probably isn't for you.

• Check out this funny song from Jason Segal of "How I Met Your Mother" and "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" fame.

Reverse Mailbag

BDF had a good idea that instead of always answering readers' mailbag questions, I should ask a few random questions. These are real questions from me answered by actual readers.

Q: If you could be a siamese twin with any celebrity, who would it be and why?

Hunter R., Greenville, SC: Great question. The expected response from any male presented with this question would be to name some movie-star stud, like Brad Pitt, or anyone else that gets laid upon command, and claim their reason for being “attached at the hip” would be to enjoy the table scraps. Just think: every hook up would count as a three-some. But, that’s a boring answer.

This easiest way to answer this question is by process of elimination. For my Siamese twin, I would have to choose someone that is a) of the same sex; b) of the same sexual orientation; c) of the same race; and d) someone that is more enjoyable than annoying. Obviously, that would exclude all female celebs, all gay/bisexual celebs, all non-white celebs, and Dane Cook (note: I hated to exclude all females and non-whites, but the question would be difficult because I don’t know what it is like to be anything but a white boy). Next, understanding the difficulties of Siamese-coordination, I would have to eliminate all athletes and musicians (except for pianist and drummers- which would be cool by the way). Ultimately, this question becomes: Which celebrity do you feel is most like yourself?

CC, this is one of those really deep, introspective and self-examining questions that tells you more about yourself than anything else. I say this because if you were a Siamese twin you would be permanently connected to that person forever (assuming advanced medicine cannot separate the two of you). You would spend 100% of your time, asleep and awake, with the same person. This question is not too much different from your previous mailbag when you decided the one T.V. channel you would watch if you were trapped in a dungeon and limited to one TV station- in the long run you would prefer something dynamic (like TBS) versus something static (like ESPN).

In that sense, my answer is Paul Newman. Besides being a great actor and film director, Mr. Newman had a military background, loved auto racing and cars, he was very resourceful, he had a politically left-leaning mind, married a girl from Greenville, South Carolina, and became one of the world’s most well-respected, successful and philanthropic persons of his generation. He was truly a Renaissance Man. Now, I am not saying that I am any of these things, but that sure sounds like someone I would like to be connected to.

Q: After watching "Teen Wolf" and "Teen Wolf Too," no one could question that Michael J. Fox was a better actor than Jason Bateman. Now, looking back at each man's body of work, who has had the better career?

Dave F., Richmond, VA: Tough question. JB was great in Arrested Development, which is one of my favorite shows of all time. He was also very good in Juno and Extract. MJF carried Family Ties as the show's breakout character. This role lead him to starring roles in the Back to the Future trilogy, The Secret of My Success, Bright Lights Big City, Casualties of War & Doc Hollywood. MJF was easily one of the biggest media stars of the late 80's. MJF also starred in the 90's hit Spin City. I don't think JB has achieved the critical praises equal to MJF. Based on that and my personal opinion, I'd have to say MJF has had a better career. Unfortunately Parkinson's cut MJF's career a little short. JB is just starting to get major roles in film and TV. I think this question might need to be readdressed in 10 years.

Q: In light of the new Richmond minor league baseball team choosing the questionable name of "The Flying Squirrels," I'd like you to imagine that you are the new owner of a minor league team in Anytown, USA. What's your mascot? What major league team are you affiliated with? What promotions would you try to attract interest in the new team?

Hunter R., Greenville, SC: I have to admit that choosing a nickname from scratch is really difficult. No wonder so many franchises put this question to a vote. Here are a couple approving and disapproving thoughts about sports teams’ nicknames:

1) Be creative, but don’t insist on having unique name: There are 46 college teams named the “Tigers.” LSU is yellow and purple; Clemson is orange and white; Princeton is orange and black. They have the same name, but the traditions built around them are quite different. There is nothing wrong in going with Tigers over something ridiculous like UC-Santa Cruz “Banana Slugs.”

2) If you have to be unique, then choose a sensible name that has a local interest: Think, Pittsburgh Steelers / Green Bay Packers. Two of the all-time greats. It’s not that hard. Before Greenville Braves, and before my hometown went crazy with unique names, we had the Greenville Spinners (named such because, at the time, we were the textile capital of the world). There is absolutely no reason that Richmond should have a team nicknamed the Flying Squirrels.

- Quick sidebar: Should your team move to a new town, please, for the love of the Pete, give up your nickname. I hate the Utah Jazz and the LA Lakers. It is just complete and utter nonsense.

3) Stick with a noun. No verbs, adverbs, onomonopia. Use adjectives sparingly. Since the Greenville Braves left town, we have seen a slew of gawd-awful names that violate this rule. The Greenville Grrrowl (official spelling), Greenville Groove, Greenville Drive. Eeek.

4) Remember that your team mascot can be different from your nickname: The Phoenix Suns are a great example here. Instead of trying to personify a ball of fire, they put a gorilla in a team uniform and gave him a trampoline. Everyone, to this day, including me, loves that gorilla. Problem solved.

Using these four easy steps, I have come up with the Greenville Cherokees. “Gee Cee,” for short, seems to roll off the tongue well, and the initials would look good on a ballcap. Obviously, we would be affiliated with the Atlanta Braves. Being in close proximity to the Atlanta team would give the hometown people incentive to cheer for the rising stars of their favorite MLB club. Team colors would stay pretty much the same, so no one would be forced into buying team apparel that doesn’t coordinate. Also, we would get to retain the use of the “tomahawk chop,” a cornerstone of the franchise. I love team mascots that find a way to incorporate hand-signals to show fan allegiance. When you ask someone in Texas or Florida “who do you cheer for?” they simply give you the Hook’em Horns or the Gator Chomp. Enough said. The same goes for the tomahawk chop and Braves fans.

Finally, as for the promotions for my new ball club, I would make the Greenville Cherokees the first franchise that has people take the First Bat. Instead of inviting honored guests to throw out the First Pitch, I would give them a bat and let them take three swings. Think about it: Fans would come early to see celebrities take a few cuts; every time someone strikes-out or hits a homerun ESPN would run non-stop highlights; local sportstalk radio would analyze every hit the next day; and inevitably there will be several legendary hits and one corked-bat scandal. The upside to such a promo would have no ceiling.

Q: If you were given the power to rewrite any TV show that you thought had potential but wasn't quite good enough to be called a classic, which show would you change and what would you make different?

Karen R., Columbia, SC: An interesting question because there are so many reasons a show either dies outright or fails to become a classic. And because it forces me to admit I watch way too much TV.

First, you have the category of shows that are – on their face – such colossally bad ideas that it boggles the mind they ever got made. No amount of brilliant acting, writing, or direction will save them. Shows like Small Wonder – a little robot girl who lives in a cabinet in the inventor’s home and has wacky misadventures with the inventor’s flamingly gay young son. Or Manimal – a college professor who can turn into any number of animals in an effort to fight crime. Seriously. And who can forget Homeboys in Outer Space – thank you UPN for green-lighting the idea of putting two young brothers in space and having them fly around in the Space Hoopty, looking for action. The underlying concepts of these shows are so bad, I don’t think they can be rehabbed.

Second, you’ve got shows with a great concept but poor execution. Invasion – this show had it all. Alien/human hybrids! Government conspiracies! The strange but inexplicably hot William Fitchner! But the show attempted to imitate Lost with vague mysteries and “this means something, this is important” pronouncements and got bogged down. But this category’s poster child is Party of Five. Hands down. Man, I could go on and on about the wasted potential of the show about 5 orphans and their struggles after their parents’ sudden death. Sure, the premise is depressing. But it had good roster of actors, all of whom are pretty likeable (except for the later addition of Jennifer Love Hewitt). And it was on Fox during the same period as BH 9’er, so there was potential to have issue-of-the-week stories handled without losing the show’s lightness. Boy, did that not happen. That show got dark. DARK. Charlie’s a womanizer (who later gets cancer). Bailey’s a drunk. Julia gets the snot beat out of her by her boyfriend. Claudia’s anxiety lead to her sleeping in a tent in the dining room for at least an entire season. Owen ends up as the object of a bitter custody battle between Charlie-the-cancer-survivor-and-reformed-womanizer and Bailey-the-reformed-drunk. Jesus.

Then you have shows that are brilliant in idea and execution. And the network steps in and smothers the show in its sleep. Usually through the lethal combination of poor/ever-changing timeslots and shoddy promotion. Fox is legendary in this regard. They axed shows like Kitchen Confidential, Firefly, Keen Eddie, and Arrested Development for no reason – other than that they wanted more time for crap like Idol. But Fox is not alone – NBC killed Freaks and Geeks, CW offed Veronica Mars, and CBS murdered Pushing Daisies. These shows will never become traditional classics, but they all totally rule so I won’t touch them. But you guys should totes check them out on Hulu.

And you have the category of shows that had an interesting premise and promising first couple of seasons, then took a wrong turn and ended up unwatchable. Heroes is a huge offender in this category – great concept, good actors, interesting characters. Then they introduced so many new characters, motivations, and conspiracies that the show lost focus. And, as much as it pains me to write this, Alias also sort of fits in this category. The first, second, and (parts of) the fifth seasons were fantastic but seasons three and four were almost unbearable. Too much Vaughn, no more Will, less ass-kicking, more angsty weeping, and entirely TOO MUCH focus on Rambaldi. But the shows in this category have such strong roots, I wouldn’t want to trash them and start from scratch.

Which leads me to the show I’ve chosen to gut and re-do. NCIS. I know! Its successful and spawned a spin-off starring Mr. James Smith, whom the ladies love. But. You guys? Have you ever watched this show? It is awful. I recently spent the better part of a day watching an NCIS marathon on USA. Listen, I was sick and had misplaced the remote. Little did I know that after I put it on USA and fell onto the couch, I’d be too ill to get up and change the channel. If I had known, I’d have chosen an all-day marathon of those toddler beauty pageant documentaries that freak me out.

NCIS was a great idea for a procedural-type show. It would center on the unique cases arising in the military system. And it would focus on the crime-solving aspect of procedurals instead of the legal issues. Which would avoid the courtroom yawn-fest that dragged down JAG (which had its own problems – what do you mean the Navy is not actually riddled with lawyers that are also combat pilots?). Aaaaand then the concept is trashed by lazy writing. Mark Harmon plays the boss, Gibbs. I find Mark Harmon to be pretty likeable. I mean, have you seen Summer School? With Chainsaw and Dave? And an almost unrecognizable Kirstie Alley? But Gibbs is a humorless, insufferable, self- righteous character who is always right. This makes for boring TV, people. Why bother with an investigation? When Gibbs pegs Mr. X as the villain by minute 3, just go ahead and arrest him. The overgrown frat boy named Tony (played by Michael Weatherly, who was the dreamy Logan character on Dark Angel) is supposed to be a great investigator, but he appears to be around for no other reason than to make rude comments to his coworkers about their personal lives. Oh, and to make a series of film references. Then there’s Ziva who is apparently on loan to NCIS from Mossad. She’s supposed to be a trained assassin who speaks in stilted English (She doesn’t use contractions?! Like a robot?! How funny!). Also? We have exchange programs for assassins? And there’s the doughy McGee. He’s a computer nerd, so he’s clearly a social leper! He’s also capable of McGuyvering computer programs in 3 minutes with a kazoo and a walkie talkie. Abby the lab tech is qualified to test anything and everything that could ever be recovered from a crime scene. Come on! Even the dorks over at CSI have their specialties. Abby is written as being Goth – or at least what middle America would believe Goth to be – because she has black hair and tattoos. The interwebs have informed me that she also drives a hearse and has a coffin that she may or may not sleep in. Good grief. She is super-annoying, which is not helped by the fake techno music that usually plays in the background while she’s chirping about some test or other that she’ll run for her beloved Gibbs. And the doctor is a British dude who usually ends up telling some boring story or other in the course of reporting autopsy results. Like a less awesome Higgins.

I acknowledge I’m painting with broad strokes here – but this is the way these characters were written in every single episode that I saw on that long, long day. And the formula has worked well for the NCIS writing team – crime occurs, Gibbs grouses and there is talk of his gut instinct, Tony makes a snide comment, there is teasing of McGee about his nerdishness, Ziva makes a cultural faux pas, Abby bends the laws of God and man in arriving at some impossible scientific result, the doctor tells a boring story, and Gibbs is ultimately proven correct. Ta-dah! I have just written a skeleton for all future NCIS scripts. You’re welcome NCIS writing team. But America clearly loves procedurals – there’s no reason they have to be so damn boring and predictable. So my solution to this crapfest is pretty simple. The writers should get off their lazy asses and write the characters as characters and not caricatures. Let them be flawed. Let there be a surprise ending every once in a while.

Q: You are having a flag football draft from among Nickelodeon characters. You must select a quarterback, a center, a tight end, 2 wide receivers, and a running back. You will not compete with the team so don't take into consideration that you will play a certain position. No cartoons, only real characters (i.e., Hey Dude, Salute Your Shorts, Pete & Pete, etc.). Who's on your squad?

Travis C., Washington, DC: That's a good question, and a good opportunity for me to mention that I am currently in first place in my Fantasy Football League with a 9-1 record...No

Big Deal. I will approach this draft the same way and that is by starting with selecting a dynamic running back.

Running Back: Omar Gooding from "Wild and Crazy Kids"

It is no secret that he carried that show on his back and he will do the same for this team. Not to mention the fact that he went on to portray the crack-smoking All-Pro running back from the hit ESPN series "Playmakers". You can't fake talent like that, no matter how good an actor he may be.

Quarterback: This may come as a shock, but I am going with Telly Radford from "Salute Your Shorts"

Telly is a born leader and a natural athlete. Not only did she beat Scotty Rex for the Camp Anawanna Tennis Championship, but she was also the Coach and Captain of the Camp's basketball team, the Tigers, whom she led to victory in the Tournament finals against the Hurricanes. I have no doubt those skills will translate nicely onto the gridiron.

Center: Eddie "Donkeylips" Gelfen from "Salute Your Shorts"

This is a no brainer, he has a unique combination of size and fat. He has a bit of a mean streak so he won't be afraid to play dirty when needed and the fact that he spent his childhood summers at Camp with Telly means one thing for the two of them, thats right, CHEMISTRY, a crucial part of the relationship between a QB and Center.

Tight End: Open-Face from "Pete and Pete"

He seemed to be a bit bipolar with his hatred for the Petes and his love for Ellen so I think he can use those mood swings as a tight end that can get dirty in the trenches blocking, or roll out into the flat and delicately tip-toe the sideline while making a fingertip catch.

Wide Receiver: Ray Alvarado from "The Secret Life of Alex Mack"

Who can forget Alex Mack's friend and confidant Ray? He was the go-to guy on the hardwood and has great hand-eye coordination. Also, he was trusted with Alex's deepest secret and that signals to me that he is unselfish and a team player, I don't want any pre-madonna wide outs on this squad. Who knows, Alex may show up to a few games and use her powers to help a few balls find their way into his hands.

Wide Receiver: Artie from "Pete and Pete"

The strongest man...in the woooorld! Artie could skip rocks all the way to Neptune and ran the 40 in -3.2 seconds...thats not a typo, he ran so fast that time went backwards. His lung capacity is such that he once cleared all the debris out of the gutter on Pete's house by blowing, that means he won't be winded in the 4th quarter with 30 seconds left on the clock.

* Bonus: He already has a catch phrase, "Pipe!" , and a sweet pose for all the

touchdowns he will score.

Ramblings

• In 2008, the Richmond Braves left Richmond and moved to Georgia after 42 years in the capital city. After a year with no minor league baseball, Richmond got the Giants' AA affiliate this year. The team had a contest to name its new team -- despite having over 9,000 entries, the team chose the following lame finalists: Flatheads, Hambones, Rhinos, Flying Squirrels, Rock Hoppers, and Hush Puppies. Seriously? Hambones was later disqualified because it is apparently the name of a dance performed by slaves. Flying Squirrels was chosen as the winner. The Richmond Flying Squirrels. The new name begs the question: is the Flying Squirrel the worst mascot in the minor leagues? Others team include such weird names as the Isotopes, the Iron Pigs, the Biscuits, the Nuts, the Rawhide, the Tourists, the Lugnuts, the Manatees, the Sand Gnats, and the Loons. So, yes, Flying Squirrels is the worst. Or at least second-worst to Lugnuts.

• I've said before on this blog that I have been a Red Sox fan since 1995, but I started feeling guilty when the Red Sox won two World Series since I was not from Boston and really had no legitimate reason to be a true fan (other than going to two games at Fenway when I was 14). To compensate for my guilt, I became a Washington Nationals fan. Being a Nats fan makes sense because they are the closest team to my hometown in Virginia and their best player is former UVa star Ryan Zimmerman. However, the Nats are absolutely terrible. I cheered for the Red Sox this season, but I did not follow them as closely as I had for the past decade. Then something happened to rekindle my interest in the team from Beantown: the Yankees won the World Series for the first time since 2000. Watching the World Series reminded me how much I hate the Yankees. It made me want to get back on board Red Sox Nation. Part of the fun of being a Sox fan is cheering against the Yankees. So, I'm putting my guilt aside and coming back to the Sox. But don't worry, I'll keep up with my Nats too -- they might lose less than 100 games net year.

• I recently started selling a few items on Craigslist. Craigslist is like having a yard sale one item at a time, but you don't have to worry about stalkers and vultures parking outside your house at 6 a.m. In fact, I recommend meeting the buyers in a crowded parking lot.

• NBC recently canceled "Southland" -- one of the best new shows from last season. I feel like "Southland" is the first casualty of NBC's experiment of putting Jay Leno's show at 10 p.m. every night. I understand that NBC is taking its chances that some people would rather watch a funny talk show than the serious crime and hospital dramas on other networks at 10 p.m. However, Leno is not funny. Never has been. Moreover, "Southland" was the best drama on NBC. Fortunately, TNT knows drama and they are picking up "Southland" -- the first episode will be aired on January 12.

• "90210" is in the middle of season two -- and yes, I still watch. I know I said I would never blog about this show again, but I have to make 10 observations from season 2:

10) It's better than season 1.

9) Silver is not alty anymore.

8) There has been no mention of Silver's blog.

7) Annie might be a worse actress than Naomi.

6) No one ever goes to the Peach Pit anymore.

5) Dr. Pepper must no longer sponsor the show.

4) It is still hard to believe than Dixon played Michael on "The Wire."

3) Fortunately, Donna and Brenda are gone for good.

2) Unfortunately, Brandon is still MIA.

1) It's still not that good.

If you haven't watched all season, consider yourself caught up.

• Meet the dirtiest player in women's college soccer: #15 from New Mexico. She is the Bill Laimbeer of women's soccer. I kind of want to punch her in the mouth.

Mailbag Volume 4

Q: Who are the top 5 TV/film coaches you would like to play for?  Please explain your answers.

• Travis C., Washington, DC

Chop Culture: Great question.  I actually didn't need much time to come up with my answers for this one.  Make sure to watch all of the clips.

5) Coach Bobby Finstock ("Teen Wolf") - Coaches my favorite sport and offers sage wisdom.

4) Coach Morris Buttermaker ("Bad News Bears") - Complete asshole but I am used to playing on shitty softball teams.

3) Coach Norman Dale ("Hoosiers") - My non-athletic hoops game is well-suited to the fundamentally-sound offense of Hickory High.

2) Coach Gordon Bombay ("Mighty Ducks") - I cannot ice skate and I've never played ice hockey, but how could I pass up the opportunity to be teammates with Goldberg and a pre-teen Pacey?

1) Coach Eric Taylor ("Friday Night Lights") - In a previous mailbag question, I picked Coach Taylor as one of a few TV characters on my deserted island (in a strictly platonic way).  Enough said.  Don't be ashamed if you shed a few tears on the clip below (you have to click on the link because embedding was disabled).  Clear eyes.  Full hearts.  Can't lose.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJZyNkw_q3A 

Q: Why do you think Slater called Zack "Preppy"?  Wearing a purple paisley shirt half unbuttoned with a t-shirt, tucked into acid-washed jeans paired with Converse high tops was cool circa 1989, but definitely not preppy.

• Dave F., Richmond, VA

CC: By Hampden-Sydney standards, Zack Morris was not preppy at all.  I never could understand why Zack and the kids from "Home Improvement" always wore button-down shirts unbuttoned.  But maybe we should just be glad that Zack actually wore shirts with buttons.  That's more than we can say about Slater.  He preferred tank tops and weightlifter jeans (not to mention the jheri curl).  In Slater's world, Zack was as preppy as it gets.  What's interesting about the nickname "Preppy" is that it started out as a derogatory name (when Slater was new and feuded with Zack over Kelly) and eventually turned into a term of endearment (when Slater dated Jesse and became friends with Zack).  

I think Zack looked and dressed more like a surfer than a preppy.  If I wrote for "Saved By the Bell," I would have gone with a surfer-related nickname.  Then again, if I wrote for "Saved By the Bell," I would've done a lot of things differently.

Q: What would happen to Lou Holtz if South Carolina played Notre Dame in the national championship game?

• Hunter R., Greenville, SC

CC: Simply put, his head would explode!  If you throw in a I-AA title for William & Mary, I'm scared to know what 'ol Lou would do.  In five years at ESPN, Holtz has never picked his beloved Irish or Gamecocks to lose.  No matter what.  Much like this blog, he has no journalistic integrity.  It is difficult to take his insight seriously when he refuses to be an objective analyst.  The best thing about Lou Holtz is his Thursday night pep talks, which have been replaced by Dr. Lou for some reason.  

 

Q: What are your top 10 most successful attempts by an athlete in the entertainment industry?

• Ray L., Virginia Beach, VA

CC: Wow, 10 is a lot so I'll be brief.  I am only including athletes that got a chance in the entertainment industry because of their status as athletes (i.e., Craig Kilborn played basketball at Montana State but that's not why he got on Sportscenter or The Daily Show).

10) Ray Allen: He was great as Jesus Shuttlesworth in "He Got Game" but he has not really pursued an acting career since then (except falling down when he gets lightly touched shooting a three.  Zing!).

9) Mike Golic: Hear me out on this one.  He was not a great pro football player and he is not an actor or entertainer, but "Mike & Mike in the Morning" is one of the most popular radio shows in the country.  Golic is arguably the most well-known radio host among former players.

8) John McEnroe: By far the best tennis announcer.  Movie cameos (Mr. Deeds, Anger Management, You Don't Mess with the Zohan).  TV appearances (Curb Your Enthusiasm, 30 Rock).  Part-time musician.  Very entertaining.

7) OJ Simpson: This is not a joke.  Hertz rent-a-car commercials and three screen gems (the Naked Gun trilogy).

6) Bob Uecker: Who could forget his role as announcer Harry Doyle in the "Major League" movies?  Also starred on "Mr. Belvedere."

5) Charles Barkley: The most entertaining commentator on TV in any sport.  He also had a cameo in "Space Jam." 

4) Jim Brown: Former running back has an impressive acting resume.

 http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000987/

3) Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: "Game of Death."  "Airplane!"  "Fletch."  "Slam Dunk Ernest."  Need I say more?  Are you not entertained?

2) Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson: Wrestling is fake, but The Rock also played football at the U.  He is a legitimate actor now.  He is also one of the better athletes to host Saturday Night Live.

1) Shaq: Rapper. Actor. Entertainer.  He will probably be a basketball commentator after he retires, but I guarantee he will do a lot more than that.  He is arguably the most entertaining athlete of all-time. 

Q: If you could only have 5 TV channels for the next calendar year, what would they be and why?  And let's say you cannot watch any sort of TV programming online.  Oh, and did I mention that none of your five choices can be sports channels?

• Karen R., West Columbia, SC

CC: I skimmed the question, and then I read the last sentence just as I was typing ESPN, ESPN2, and ESPNU.  So, I guess those channels are out.  I would not select any network station (ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX) since I could probably get those anyway.  I also will not select any premium channels -- HBO has great original series, but they show the same bad movies over and over.  That would get old fast if I only had five channels.

1) TBS: If there was a draft for TV channels (excluding sports-only channels), TBS would be my first overall pick.  Someone has actually asked me which channel I would choose if I could only have one channel for the rest of my life -- for me, it would come down to ESPN and TBS.  It's a tough question.  Think about it.  You either get a lot of sports but countless reruns of Sportscenter and no scripted shows or good sitcoms with minimal sports.  Since ESPN is not an option in this question, TBS is my clear go-to channel.  I'd get baseball playoff games, mildly entertaining movies on the weekends, and good sitcoms (except for the TBS original comedies such as The Bill Engvall Show and anything with Tyler Perry's name on it).  Very funny.

2) Food Network: Food Network is my default channel to flip to when nothing else is on.  I like Throwdown with Bobby Flay, Iron Chef, and Diners, Dives, and Drive-Ins.  I'll watch the shows where chefs cook in their own homes when nothing else is on.  This channel would be especially valuable if I only had four other channels.

3) FX: Most of the time they show great movies, but they also have great original series -- It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Damages, Nip/Tuck, Rescue Me, The Shield.

4) TNT: Quite frankly, I don't watch TNT that often now.  However, TNT knows drama and if I only had five channels, TNT would be a nice complement to the comedy of TBS.  The channel also has NBA regular season and playoffs and 24 hours of "A Christmas Story" on Christmas Eve.

5) Comedy Central: Comedy Central edges out SoapNet (BH9er, The OC) and MTV (Real World, The Hills).  Now, I watch SoapNet and MTV more often than Comedy Central, but I need some more comedy among my five channels.

DirecTV has a feature that let's you pick your favorite nine channels -- it's essentially speed dial for your remote.  My nine channels are ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNU, TBS, FX, Food Network, MTV, SoapNet, and HBO.  So, TNT and Comedy Central are not in my top nine channels at home but made the cut on my five channels here to even out my comedy:drama ratio.  SoapNet misses out because of all the daytime soap operas.  MTV misses it out because it is too trashy and stopped showing videos.

Q: The last mix CD you made me included “hits” such as: "If I Had No Loot" by Toni Tone Tony, "Twisted" by Keith Sweat, and "Set Adrift on Memory Bliss" by P.M. Dawn. Therefore, I am guessing that you don’t watch much CMT. There is a wonderful show called “Crossroads” on this channel that features two musicians or groups who join forces and sing each others’ songs duet style. Typically the producers choose musicians whose styles complement each other i.e. Sheryl Crow and Willie Nelson, and Kid Rock and Hank Williams Jr.

Recently, however, ratings have dropped and CMT has hired a new executive producer, that’s right, you. You decide to take a more unorthodox approach to scheduling the musicians in an attempt to attract viewers from a variety of musical genres.

After 3 wildly popular episodes featuring Insane Clown Posse and Charlotte Church, James Taylor and Three-Six Mafia, and Josh Groban and Lil’ Wayne, the CMT execs have decided to keep you on for the entire season. What is the line-up for the next 3 episodes? Explain the rationale behind your decisions.

• Lindsey D., Nashville, TN

CC: I don't think I can top that Insane Clown Posse/Charlotte Chruch episode, but I'll try.  I would come up with the following three themes for the upcoming season of "Crossroads."

1) Bands with dead singers/hip hop artists with a troubled past: I would match a controversial rapper with the living members of a rock band to perform songs from both artists.  Projected lineups: Nirvana and Lil' Wayne, The Beatles and T.I., Queen and Akon.

2) Slow Jams/Jam Bands: Are they going to slow down the jam or play a 20-minute jam session?  Are you going to bump n' grind or noodle your face off? Tune in to find out.  Projected lineups: Keith Sweat and Widespread Panic, K-Ci & Jojo and String Cheese Incident, R. Kelly and the Disco Biscuits.

3) Reggae /Gay: Just as it sounds.  Projected lineups: The Wailers and Boy George, Toots & the Maytals and George Michael, Matisyahu and Elton John.  I would definitely pay to see Matisyahu and Elton John.

Q: Given UVa's victory over rival Chapel Hill, how do you think this affects the university's decision regarding their twit of a head coach Al Groh? Is this the excuse Virginia's front office was looking for in order to keep him on board through the duration of his contract? Furthermore, what do you think it will take to get rid of him, and who do you see potentially taking the reigns and bringing back some shard of respectability to Charlottesville?

• John H., Brooklyn, NY

CC: I received this question in the mailbag before UVa's recent victories over Indiana and Maryland to bring their record back to 3-3.  As a matter of fact, UVa has won 12 of its last 13 games in the month of October.  Too bad Groh can't coach in September or November.  UVa was 9-4 in 2007 so Groh had a longer leash last year.  He went 4-0 in October and 1-7 the rest of the season.  After missing bowls in two of the last three seasons and LOSING TO WILLIAM AND MARY earlier this season, I think Groh needs to get UVa to 7-5 this season to save his job.  I don't see that happening.

As for a new coach, I can think of four potential candidates: 1) Tommy Tuberville (former Auburn coach), 2) Phillip Fulmer (former Tennessee coach), 3) Mike London (current Richmond head coach / former UVa defensive coordinator), and 4) Derek Dooley (Louisiana Tech head coach / UVa alum).  Groh has basically given up on recruiting the southeast (including Virginia) and settled for recruiting the northeast.  Whoever takes over as coach has to try to recruit head-to-head with Virginia Tech in the commonwealth.  As much as I dislike Groh, it will take a new coach several years to get UVa back on track.  

Q: Is there a movie that you really like that everyone else seems to hate (I own "Elizabethtown" on DVD)?

• Dave F., Richmond, VA

CC: I think "Varsity Blues" is cinematic gold.  IMDB.com users give it a 6.0 out of 10 (basically 2.5 stars).  I sold some used DVDs to a music store -- they didn't buy "Varsity Blues" because it was "lightly scratched."  I think it was really because they know no one would buy it.  I choose to take this as a sign that I should never have tried to sell it in the first place.  I'm sorry, Mox -- it won't happen again.  Idon'twantyourlife. 

Q: Chop, what is the best way to open a Capri Sun?

• Andrew B., NYC

CC: Opening a Cap Sun is an art -- it took me almost two decades to figure it out.  There was about a five-year span where I told my mom to buy Hi-C to save me the embarrassment of trying to open a Cap Sun in the school cafeteria.  Once Hi-C discontinued Ecto Cooler, I decided it was time to switch back to my tropical drink punch master -- Capri Sun.  My best advice for opening the pouch is to hold the Cap Sun with your non-dominant hand and squeeze the bottom, pushing all 6.75 fluid ounces to the top.  Next, using your throwing hand, stab the shit out of the aluminum puncture zone with the yellow straw.  Finally, enjoy the tropical nectar with a Handi-Snacks.    

My Athletic Career Might Be Over

I recently turned 28 and it got my thinking...if I were a pro athlete, I would probably be in the decline of my career.  I would be in the peak of my NFL or NBA career.  I'd probably have a few major league seasons under my belt in MLB after spending my early 20s in the minors.  If I were a pro tennis player, I'd probably be washed up.  Golf is really the only sport in which I would be considered very young right now.  

It's still hard to fathom that college players are so much younger than me.  I still view them as the same age or older than me.  College freshman now are 9 years younger than me and that is not at all depressing.  In this June's NBA draft, there was a guy born after 1990 (Ricky Rubio) drafted for the first time ever.  I'm not old enough to be Ricky Rubio's dad, but I am old enough to be his much older brother.  If he were my brother, most people would think he was a mistake -- why else would our parents wait nine years between kids?

The fact that I should be in the peak on my NFL career right now makes what Brett Favre is doing even more amazing.  I know most people are tired of hearing about Favre, but the ol' gunslinger can still play.  He turns 40 this week and he is still a top 15 quarterback in this league.  He is no longer a Pro-Bowler, but he is a perfect QB for the Vikings.  They already have the best running back in the game and an elite defense.  Favre brings leadership, and as long as he doesn't try to do too much the Vikings are a legitimate Super Bowl contender.

But I digress...time to work on my golf game.  So you're telling me there's a chance? 

  

Football Ramblings

• This clip is two weeks late, but it's still awesome. If you think Gus Johnson only announces college basketball games, you better recognize.

• Steve Spurrier finally got a signature win at South Carolina. The Cocks upset Ole Miss at home last night 16-10. I think everyone would agree that Ole Miss was a bit overrated at #4 and South Carolina is definitely a top 20 team so I'm not sure how big of an upset it really was. Nonetheless, I think this is by far the Ol' Ball Coach's most talented team in his 5 years in Columbia. Stephen Garcia finally gives Spurrier a downfield threat at QB and the defense is one of the best in the SEC. Fans have been waiting for the Cocks to compete for SEC titles under Spurrier and this year in their best chance to date. Unfortunately, Tim Tebow will have something to say about that. The Cocks have road games at Alabama, Tennessee, and Arkansas and get Florida and Clemson at home -- we'll soon find out how good they really are. ChopCulture's prediction: 8-4 (losses to Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee, and Florida) with a trip to the Chick-Fil-A Bowl against Florida State.

• I am officially putting the Washington Redskins on upset alert. The Skins are coming into Ford Field on Sunday to play my Detroit Lions. No one comes into Ford Field and leaves with a win...except for the Vikings last week and every team that played there last season. But seriously, the Lions are due. And the Skins are struggling. I know many of my readers are Skins fans so consider yourselves warned. Lions 20 - Redskins 13.

• Speaking of the Redskins, how about this rookie linebacker Robert Henson who talked smack to Skins fans via Twitter. Henson is a 6th round draft pick out of TCU who HASN'T PLAYED THIS SEASON. Apparently, Henson didn't appreciate the Skins fans booing the team last Sunday so he voiced his displeasure on his favorite social networking site. Specifically, he called the fans "dimwits" and asked how fans who "work 9-5 at McDonald's" know what's best for the team. There are several things I'd like to point out to Henson: 1) Are you serious?, 2) most fans did not know who you were before this so that's not a good first impression, 3) the next time a store sells your jersey will be the first time your jersey has sold, 4) you haven't played a down this season, 5) people that work at McDonald's probably can't afford to come to your games, 6) no one works 9-5 at McDonald's except maybe the executives (so I guess maybe they do go to the games), 7) if people really did work 9-5 at McDonald's then who's serving McGriddles from 6-9 or Big Macs from 5-close?, 8) who is the dimwit now? Henson has reportedly cancelled his Twitter account. Good call, buddy.

• Virginia Tech got SO LUCKY against Nebraska. I get upset even thinking about it. Some Hokies fans burned couches. Others took a maroon sea to the bars. Tyrod Taylor and a fellow Hokie found another way to celebrate (see pic below). Not that there's anything wrong with that.

• The parity that we saw in the ACC last year is definitely gone this season. There are no national title contenders again, but there are three very good teams (Miami, Virginia Tech, and Florida State) and three good teams (Georgia Tech, Clemson, and UNC). Wake and NC State are decent. Boston College is tough to get a read on -- my instincts tell me they are a .500 team at best. Maryland, Duke, and UVa are miserable.

• I think Chris Collinsworth is a decent announcer (recently took over Sunday Night Football for John Madden), but he's always come across as kind of pompous, condescending, and creepy. I've always just assumed he was kind of a douche. It turns out he is. This video is old, but the dude is talking about hooking up with 14-18 year old girls. I'm sure your wife and kids are proud of dear ol dad.