Random Thoughts on Judaism

I go to church on Fridays. Actually, it’s not church and I don’t go that often, but I am one of the Chosen People. I believe strongly in my Jewish faith, but I rarely attend synagogue and do not observe several Jewish traditions – most notably, a kosher diet. I believe that the way you live your life and the way you treat people is more important than how often you go to services or whether or not your McGriddles have sausage in them (of course they do). This will probably be the only time I will blog about religion so here are some random thoughts on Judaism:

• People ask me if I mind when people say the word “Jew.” I really don’t mind, as long as it’s not preceded by the word “fuckin’.”
• Yes, Jews love bagels. Who doesn’t? You also probably think only black people like orange soda. Trust me, you are in the minority if you don’t like bagels and orange soda.
• Jews invented circumcision. Umm, you’re welcome.
• My favorite Jewish-owned restaurant is Juanita Greenberg’s in Charleston. A Mexican Jew making burritos and nachos? Actually, I have no idea if the owner is Jewish, but I also like his other restaurants – Saul Gonzalez’s and Alejandro Silverstein’s. You have to try the gelfite fish tacos - tell them Chop sent you.
• The phrase “JAP” (Jewish American Princess) might offend some Jews, but not this guy. Not only does the term not offend me, I think it’s hilarious.
• Your Jewish jokes are timeless. Let me guess, I have a big nose and I’m cheap? Zing!
• This girl I know (who knows I am Jewish) once said that a TJ Maxx gift card was “kind of a Jewish gift.” I’m not a math major, but I’m pretty sure that a $50 TJ Maxx gift card is worth as much as a $50 Nordstrom’s gift card. Plus if the person that gave the gift really wanted to be “Jewish,” she would have given you a Stein Mart gift card.
• What is the deal with Jews For Jesus? I don’t even have a joke for this one, but I’m pretty sure they are not Jews.
• Adam Sandler’s “Chanukah Song” was so funny that it almost makes up for the lack of hilarity in “Little Nicky,” “Click,” and “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.”
• My ideal Passover sedar would be Jerry Seinfeld, Slash (Saul Hudson), Jon Stewart (Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz), and Seth Cohen from The O.C. Andrea Zuckerman’s invitation might accidentally get lost in the mail.
• My favorite baseball player is Gary Majewski, a pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds. He is probably not Jewish, almost certainly Polish, and most definitely not an All-Star caliber pitcher. But what a name! I bet the guys clown him on road trips — “We all know Majewski’s not gonna pick up the tab tonight!” His teammates are assholes.