Making Fun of Comedians

GUEST BLOG BY BDF:

I always think it is funny when comedians make fun of people in general. White people who walk really fast, the fat guy at the buffet, the Asian who speaks in broken English, the list goes on and
on. The other day I was listening to Chris Rock rant on and on about white teenagers, and I thought what if I was a standup comic who only made fun of other comedians? Here goes!

Dane Cook – Dane, how does it feel to have a fan base of 14-17 year olds? Watching your standup inspired me to write this blog. At least one good thing came out of it. God knows it didn't make me laugh. You're the N'Sync of comedy; you may sell lots of albums and tickets, but the material is miserable and no one else in your field respects your work. Why don't you take your SuperFinger and stick it in your....mouth. This way, you'll be unable to talk.

Carlos Mencia – Carlos Mencia, that funny Mexican guy. Or should I say Ned Mencia, from Honduras? I'd make fun of you in more detail, but I fear you'd just steal my material Menstelia.

Larry the Cable Guy – Dan Whitney from Nebraska created a character for a radio show and fooled a million morons from Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana into thinking he was funny. I'm from the South and would personally like to punch Dan for setting back Southerners 40 years. This guy is a fat piece of shit right here, I don't care who ya are.

David Cross – David, your performance as Tobias Funke is one of my all time favorites. I once read that you'd rather hear the death rattle of your own child than the songs of the bands Creed, Staind, and POD. While I agree that those bands are terrible, you date the girl from Joan of Arcadia and Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Guess you like music way more than television and movies.

Carrot Top – When I first saw Carrot Top in the mid nineties, I thought "could this guy be more of a douche"? Turns out he could. Between then and now CT has become a bulked up 'roid freak and a devout plastic surgery patient. Carrot's gone from a skinny dork with prop jokes to a phony meathead with the same prop jokes.

Bill Engvall – You're Jeff Foxworthy minus the "You might be a Redneck" jokes. Translation, your comedy blows. One the bright side, you look a little like Mark Harmon. Fingers crosses that NCIS does a episode in which Gibbs' brother makes an appearance.

Janeane Garofalo – You've made a lot of money ranting about how ugly women can't make it in show biz. I can't tell if you're being intentionally ironic or you hate yourself because you don't look like Jessica Alba. I am guessing it's not the latter, as I've never seen anyone intentionally try so hard to look so awful. You also referred to your time on SNL as being like "the Indian given the blanket infected with smallpox by the cavalry." You worked at SNL, not Kmart, get over yourself.

Ramblings

• I am watching the ACC Championship Game (Boston College vs. Virginia Tech) right now. It is a major snoozefest. I am just watching this game while I wait for the SEC Championship Game (Alabama vs. Florida) to start. Although the two best teams in the SEC are national championship contenders and no ACC team is top 10 material, I believe the ACC has been the better conference this year.

I was harsh on the ACC early in the year, but the conference ended up solid (if unspectacular) from top to bottom. The SEC, on the other hand, is very top heavy. The ACC had 10 teams either tied or within one game of the division lead. 10 teams! I hate the word “parity” when talking about football – but the ACC had parity this year. The ACC has 10 bowl-eligible teams, compared to 8 in the SEC. The two teams that are not bowl-eligible in the ACC - UVa and Duke - were not easy outs for anyone either. UVa beat four bowl-eligible teams in October alone (and then choked away the season in typical Al Groh fashion). Duke beat Navy and Vanderbilt. The ACC won 6 out of 10 head-to-head meetings with the SEC, and Alabama or Florida had 3 of the 4 SEC wins.

• The hope it’s just a nasty rumor that The Roots are going to stop touring and become the house band for Jimmy Fallon when he takes over for Conan O’Brien next year. Letterman has Paul Shaffer. Conan has Max Weinberg. Leno has some guy named Kevin Eubanks. Jimmy Fallon is arguably the biggest douche of this group (Leno could make an argument for this title), yet Fallon gets the coolest house band? This seems like a curious career decision on the part of The Roots. The move will hurt their street cred.

• BDF brought up an interesting point recently. “60 Minutes” begins at 7 P.M. EST on Sunday nights. During the NFL season, it never begins on time and Jim Nantz always has to tell us “if you’re tuning in to see “60 Minutes,” it will air in it’s entirety following this NFL football action. Except on the West Coast.” Why not just push “60 Minutes” back to 7:30 during the NFL season? The 4 P.M. games never end before 7:15. Would it do any harm to show 15 minutes of highlights if the game does end early? Also, your grandparents could tune into CBS at 7:30 and not have to watch the last 20 minutes of the Chargers-Broncos game.

• Don’t drop the soap, O.J.

• In a world of miserable commercials, SONIC commercials never disappoint me. The two guys in the car are funny, and the married couple is even funnier. The bald guy is probably out-kicking his coverage, but he is hilarious. The sausage biscuit dippers are on my “to-do” list. On the other hand, GEICO commercials don’t do much for me. Enough with the cavemen and the gecko.

• I have been meaning to write about how unrealistic this season of “Entourage” was, but Sports Guy on ESPN.com beat me to it. Here is what he had to say about it (SPOILER ALERT):

“Well, the fifth season of "Entourage" wasn't implausible at all: I can totally see Vince's losing his career after one bad movie (so what if Colin Farrell has made 15 stinkers and keeps getting jobs?), becoming Hollywood poison, getting a job only because his agent passed up a $10-million-a-year studio head position to stay with him -- you know, because agents have such great character -- submarining an elaborate $120 million action movie that somehow came together in about 2.23 seconds because the director hated him (in the irony of ironies, because he didn't think Vince, a guy played by Adrian Grenier, could act), hitting rock bottom and moving back to Queens, then climactically rebounding with the lead in Martin Scorsese's new movie without ever auditioning for it, and while all of this was happening Jamie-Lynn Sigler fell in love with a jobless Turtle, and Johnny Drama starred on an NBC drama that normally would tape for 17 hours a day, unless your show stars Johnny Drama, in which case you tape once a month for a couple of minutes. Awesome. I'd ask for that 390 minutes of my life back, but it's my own fault for watching. I blame myself.”

I completely agree with Sports Guy, although I thought the season was mildly entertaining despite much of the bullshit that transpired. I mean, the actor that plays Turtle is allegedly dating Jamie-Lynn Sigler (Meadow Soprano) in real life, so maybe that plot line is not that far-fetched. Jeremy Piven (Ari) is a tremendous actor – it’s a shame he is surrounded by such mediocre acting and writing.

• Weird Al is an ageless wonder. He has done parodies of songs by Michael Jackson, Madonna, Coolio, the Chili Peppers, and many more. His latest parody of T.I. is not his best effort, but it's worth listening to.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

I love Christmas, but I can't completely embrace it for obvious reasons (see Nov. 11 blog if you are confused). I like candy and dressing up in costumes so Halloween is right up my alley, but it rarely falls on a weekend and it's not socially acceptable for me to trick-or-treat anymore. I wish I gave a shit about whether Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow or not...but I don't. So, Groundhog Day is out of contention.

Thanksgiving is about as good as it gets -- albeit it without presents or candy. Here's how my day usually unfolds:

10:00 AM: Wake up. Turn on the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Sike, Sportscenter.

11:00 AM: Play football outside -- Pilgrims vs. Indians.

12:30 PM: Watch my Detroit Lions in their only nationally-televised game of the year.

12:31 PM: Snack heavily / drink lightly.

2:00 PM: Halftime. Express my frustration with my Lions. Drown my sorrows with another Whiskey Sour and more Chex Mix.

4:00 PM: Celebrate the Lions victory (just kidding, we lost again). Sit down for family dinner. Skip dessert for now.

5:30 PM: Casually watch the Cowboys game.

5:31 PM: Nap/pass out.

8:00 PM: Second wind. Did someone say pie?

The rest of the night: Drink heavily / snack lightly.

Seriously, what a day! I should note that I squeeze just enough "family time" in between each step of my day. I could see this day being less enjoyable if (a) you have kids, (b) you go to someone else's house for dinner (that would eliminate the "nap" portion of the day), (c) you don't get along with your extended family (luckily I don't have any annoying cousins / nieces / nephews), (d) you are not a Lions fan (99.9% of the population), (e) you have any responsibilities whatsoever, or (f) you don't appreciate gravy on the same level as me.

Lil Wayne: Rapper, Nirvana Fan, Blogger

I don’t listen to much post-2000 rap. So, until about a year ago, I just assumed Lil Wayne had fallen off the map ever since he backed up Juvenile on “Back that Azz Up” and B.G. on “Bling Bling” in the late 90s. Little did I know he would become one of the biggest rap superstars of the decade. Not only that – it turns out Lil Wayne is a pretty interesting dude. He says Nirvana was one of his main influences – I don’t see how but that’s cool that he likes them. He also was in the drama club in middle school. That’s very un-gangsta (although he did drop out of school at age 14). For as much as I prefer 90s rap to current rap, I like that the East coast / West coast beef has been squashed. Rappers actually hang out with each other – not just their crew – now.

Anyway, Lil Wayne now has a blog on ESPN.com. It is surprisingly well-written and insightful. Sure, ESPN probably has some editors revise it before it hits the website, but Lil Wayne makes interesting points, seems to know a lot about sports, and it looks like he reads most of the readers’ comments. It’s probably the second-coolest blog you'll read today -- check it out below. Thanks to Chief for the link.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3710157

Random Thoughts on Judaism

I go to church on Fridays. Actually, it’s not church and I don’t go that often, but I am one of the Chosen People. I believe strongly in my Jewish faith, but I rarely attend synagogue and do not observe several Jewish traditions – most notably, a kosher diet. I believe that the way you live your life and the way you treat people is more important than how often you go to services or whether or not your McGriddles have sausage in them (of course they do). This will probably be the only time I will blog about religion so here are some random thoughts on Judaism:

• People ask me if I mind when people say the word “Jew.” I really don’t mind, as long as it’s not preceded by the word “fuckin’.”
• Yes, Jews love bagels. Who doesn’t? You also probably think only black people like orange soda. Trust me, you are in the minority if you don’t like bagels and orange soda.
• Jews invented circumcision. Umm, you’re welcome.
• My favorite Jewish-owned restaurant is Juanita Greenberg’s in Charleston. A Mexican Jew making burritos and nachos? Actually, I have no idea if the owner is Jewish, but I also like his other restaurants – Saul Gonzalez’s and Alejandro Silverstein’s. You have to try the gelfite fish tacos - tell them Chop sent you.
• The phrase “JAP” (Jewish American Princess) might offend some Jews, but not this guy. Not only does the term not offend me, I think it’s hilarious.
• Your Jewish jokes are timeless. Let me guess, I have a big nose and I’m cheap? Zing!
• This girl I know (who knows I am Jewish) once said that a TJ Maxx gift card was “kind of a Jewish gift.” I’m not a math major, but I’m pretty sure that a $50 TJ Maxx gift card is worth as much as a $50 Nordstrom’s gift card. Plus if the person that gave the gift really wanted to be “Jewish,” she would have given you a Stein Mart gift card.
• What is the deal with Jews For Jesus? I don’t even have a joke for this one, but I’m pretty sure they are not Jews.
• Adam Sandler’s “Chanukah Song” was so funny that it almost makes up for the lack of hilarity in “Little Nicky,” “Click,” and “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.”
• My ideal Passover sedar would be Jerry Seinfeld, Slash (Saul Hudson), Jon Stewart (Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz), and Seth Cohen from The O.C. Andrea Zuckerman’s invitation might accidentally get lost in the mail.
• My favorite baseball player is Gary Majewski, a pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds. He is probably not Jewish, almost certainly Polish, and most definitely not an All-Star caliber pitcher. But what a name! I bet the guys clown him on road trips — “We all know Majewski’s not gonna pick up the tab tonight!” His teammates are assholes.

Phillip Fulmer Got a Raw Deal

Tennessee announced today that head football coach Phillip Fulmer was asked to step down at the end of the year. The higher-ups are letting him coach the last three games -- real classy. The man has been a student-athlete, graduate assistant, assistant coach, or head coach at UT for 35 years, the last 17 as head coach. The program has fallen a little bit, but not enough for this. Keep in mind, they won 10 games last season and made it to the SEC Championship game.

Let me make one thing abundantly clear: I do not care for Tennessee football. I think their fans are a bit obnoxious and I don't even like Fulmer all that much. But for everything Fulmer has done for that program, he deserved to leave on his own terms.

While I think the Big 12 is by far the best conference this year, the SEC has the most dominant conference in the nation year in and year out for the past 17 years. Over those 17 years, Fulmer's record at Tennessee has been 150-51. I'm not a mathematician, but that a winning percentage of almost 75%. That's unheard of in the SEC. 2 losing records (assuming they lose at least one more game this year) in 17 years. 8 10+ win seasons. 5 SEC Championship games. 1 National Championship.

A coach with a record like that deserves the opportunity to leave on his own terms. The athletic director also announced that this year's Tennessee-Kentucky game will be "Phil Fulmer Day." Really? Seriously? On the same day that you essentially fire one of the most successful coaches of the last two decades, you decide to honor him on his last game as head coach? It seems like a back-handed compliment to me. At least wait until next year's home opener to honor Fulmer -- give him several months to accept the decision and reflect on his accomplishments.

Fulmer got a raw deal. Straight up. But since I don't like Tennessee, I've already bored myself writing this much. I wish the next coach good luck -- you better win 10 games next season.

Palin on SNL

Saturday Night Live had its highest ratings in 14 years last Saturday thanks to the buzz surrounding Sarah Palin's appearance. I thought Palin did pretty well -- not exceptionally funny but she didn't try too hard to be funny. She was a good sport. The opening scene with Alec Baldwin was great, but Amy Poehler's rap on Weekend Update was easily the highlight of the show.
It is just me or is Amy Poehler SO MUCH funnier than Tina Fey? Check out the video below.

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/update-palin-rap/773781/

What You Missed If You Just Woke Up From A 10-Year Coma

GUEST BLOG BY HUNTER REID:

Q: Have you ever wondered how difficult it would be to explain our modern existence to someone that suddenly awoke from a decade-long coma? For instance, do you remember in "Demolition Man" how confused John Spartan (Sly Stallone) was in the New World after the police thawed him out from his Cryogenic status? In the 30 years that passed Sly by Taco Bell had become fine-dining; smoking, cursing, and contact-sports were against the law; and wiping your ass had been replaced by the "3 Seashells" technique. Given such a scenario, how would you sum-up our evolution since 1998?

Here is my attempt to connect-the-dots of modernity into some kind of logical path, and possibly guess whether Jason Mraz will become the next John Mayer or Shawn Colvin:

1. Mass Communication:

Humans of the 21 century aren't telepathic, but we are as close as one could ever imagine. Every single person above the age of eight has a wireless phone that gets reception anywhere in the world. These no-wire devices come as small as a pack of matches and can be used hands-free. A cell phone usually includes instant messaging, video games, and the internet. For most people their phones double as a stereo or even triple as a laptop computer. Apple, Inc. made a miraculous comeback and revolutionized music and computers by releasing a cell phone (about the size of a billfold) that combines every medium of communication and entertainment, AND it uses the convenience of touch-screens. So, no more silly buttons.

But, talking isn't the only way we communicate. Almost every American household gets 200+ digitalized TV channels as their "basic" package. Everyone, I mean ev-very-one, checks their email at least twice a day. And they have satellite radios in their cars with another 200+ stations. Simultaneously, we can communicate through several mediums instantaneously.

2. To illustrate, consider our…Political atmosphere:

Because of our capabilities with regard to mass communication, particularly our love for sensational journalism, cable television and wireless internet, we have discovered more things than anyone should ever know about our candidates. "Who they married?" "What kind of house do they own, and who are their neighbors?" "What they named their pets?" are all important issues these days. Policies and issues cannot be the sole focus on an election. We need to know who has the better fudge-brownie recipe: Michelle Obama or Cindy McCain? Listen, if you want to learn about a candidate's policies, just go their website. But, don't bother anyone with that nonsense because you will wind up on a cable news station yelling back and forth with a big talking head.

3. Names:

To me, the names of our Presidents have always been a microcosm that represents how Americans view themselves. In our formidable years we had very British named Presidents like George, John, and Thomas. During the Civil War-era we came out with uniquely frontier names like Abe, Ulyssus and Rutherford. Then, during the World Wars we started to emphasize the importance of full names and initials with FDR, Dwight D., JFK, and LBJ. Today, the two hottest politicians on this planet are Barack Obama and Willow Palin's momma (Sarah). We seem tired of these stuffy sounding names. We have to be individualistic. Soon enough we will elect a Trey or a Dax as our Commander in Chief, and we are all gonna wonder what the hell happened to naming your kid Joseph or Matthew or Andrew.

4. Television shows:

TV has gotten a whole lot sexier these days. For starters, the show with the largest female audience in entertainment history was called, "Sex and the City," which focused on the lives of four women that slutted their way around their favorite city, New York. "The Practice," dissolved, renamed itself "Boston Legal," and centered all the drama on the characters sex lives. "E.R." flat-lined, they re-casted, all the doctors started having sex, and they call it "Grey's Anatomy." (footnote: McDreamy is a poor man's Noah Wylie).

… and deadlier. "NYPD Blue" is now "NYPD Special Victims Unit," and focuses on homicide forensics. Forensics is so popular that we have a Crime Scene Investigation show for New York, Miami, and Thursday; we have a forensic show about solving cold cases called "Cold Case;" one about solving murders using numerology called "Numbers;" and one about solving cold case murders called "Bones." There is a "Specialist," "Mentalist," and a "Closer," that are all wildly popular. But, if that isn't deadly enough for you, there is a hit show named "Dexter," about the complexities of a forensic blood pathologist, who moonlights as a vigilante serial killer, and has to investigate his own crimes by daylight.

5. In case you were wondering about the Tanner family tree:

Danny's girls have all grown up, and boy did they need a mom in their life. Deej is fine (little pudgy), but Jodi Sweeten became a meth-head, and the twins became anorexic whores. Danny turned out to be quite the perverted father, Uncle Jessie lost the hottest woman on earth to Koosh (from Jerry Mcguire), and Uncle Joey's jokes got old. Aunt Becky maintained a TV personality on The CW (which use to be The WB, which use to be WGN), and is now a star on the 90210 remake where she has married the dude from Silk Stalkings, adopted the kid from The Wire, and moved into Beverly Hills with the grandma from Arrested Development (the latter two being the best-written drama and comedy shows, respectively).

6. Close:

After examining our lives since 1998, it seems that the dots cannot be connected to anything meaningful. Oh well, at least we finally put Wesley Snipes behind bars.


FOLLOW-UP FROM CHOP:

I have to throw in my two cents on this interesting hypothetical raised by Hunter. First of all, D.J. Tanner is not pudgy anymore. Who knew she would be the hottest of the Tanner sisters now? If a friend of mine just awoke from a 10-year coma and I had to explain everything he'd missed since 1998, here are the 10 most important things I'd tell him:

1) Songs aren't free on Napster anymore. You have to pay for them on iTunes, and then you put them on your iPod. What's an iPod, you ask? Shit, you missed a lot.

2) Boston is dominating the professional sports scene. The Red Sox broke the curse, the Patriots drafted Tom Brady (yeah, that guy that didn't start for Michigan before your coma), and the Celtics traded very little talent to get Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen on the same team with Paul Pierce.

3) The World Trade Center is gone. I hope your birthday isn't September 11 because it will be ruined forever.

4) 2Pac died two years before you went into a coma, but he has released four albums since then.

5) Gas is $4.00/gallon, but cars keep getting bigger. Oh, and thousands of people now drive Hummers as their main source of transportation. Yes, even when they are not driving in the desert or on water.

6) Reality TV has gone to a whole new level. You knew the Real World and Survivor, but now there are more dancing and singing competitions, nanny shows, and ridiculous dating shows than you ever could have imagined. Now, when you turn on VH1, instead of seeing Richard Marx videos, you seen the singer for Poison and Flava Flav making out with 19-year old strippers.

7) Coca-Cola developed a drink called Coke Zero that tastes better than Coke and has no calories. It is the nectar of the gods.

8) Screech has a sex tape.

9) Poker is on ESPN at least two hours a day. The National Spelling Bee is aired live on ABC.

10) McDonald's now serves bottled water, salads, and healthy wraps. On a positive note, they developed a breakfast sandwich that is sausage or bacon with cheese and egg in between two maple syrup flavored pancakes. I know what you're thinking -- you love their biscuits and think the biscuits sound better than these new (to you) McGriddles. Trust me, order the McGriddles.